Author Archives: Alex N. Gordon
This Dunkin’ Donuts is a diversion from, and therefore an insult to, John Evans’s dream of an uplifting Methodist education. It is a slap in the face to Robert R. McCormick; it is an obscenity against Henry Bienen; it is an open mockery of Joseph Medill.
The report noted that “fewer American children than ever before can solve a problem like those typically found in the textbook of a standard graduate-level course in mathematics or chemistry.”
“We’re not bad people and we didn’t start this,” said a high-ranking Northwestern faculty member who the reporters of 2024 will agree was a bad person who started the scandal.
Ryan Field’s location doesn’t make a lick of sense. What the hell, guys!?! We say we’re Chicago’s Big Ten team, and then we put our games in fucking Evanston. Huh?
“The annual game between Northwestern University and the University of Illinois is one of the greatest traditions in the whole state,” said Emma Martinez, Emeritus Professor of Illinois Studies at the University of Notre Dame.
While the Northwestern team repeatedly threw the ball very far and oftentimes ran with it after making these very far throws, the other team was able to more effectively perform a similar sequence of throwing, catching, and running with the football.
“At the very least, it feels good to have a ranking in which we beat those assholes at Penn,” said Isiah Miller, a junior in the Medill School of Journalism, who was rejected from the University of Pennsylvania when applying to colleges.
The rapper had completed his essays for the application a week prior to the deadline, but had refrained from submitting his application until Friday night, as he hoped to perform one final check for incorrect spelling and grammar.
Guest contributor John Evans has some choice words for those who’d tarnish his legacy by remembering all those things he did.