GIGLIO, ITALY- Italian Coast Guard incident reports released exclusively to the Flipside have shed new light on the true cause of the Costa Concordia disaster.  While the official reports have posited several theories (ranging from the sudden appearance of a beautiful woman on shore to repeated ship-to-shore telephone calls from the captain’s mother) as to why the ship ran aground and sank, transcripts from police interviews with Captain Francesco Schettino suggest otherwise.  Twenty minutes into the interview, Schettino appears to have broken down, admitting that the reef, which the ship eventually hit, had “challenged him”.  The transcript continues as follows:

POLICE: The reef. . .challenged you?

SCHETTINO: Si!  It’s like the other car at the stop sign.  It is supposed to stop, not me.

POLICE: Sir — you’re saying the reef should have moved for you?

SCHETTINO: Of course, again with the stupid questions!  I even honked at it.  And on top of all that, I think it said something about my mother!

POLICE: Again, sir, let me remind you that we’re talking about a reef here.

SCHETTINO: Basta!  I’ll call Mama; she’ll explain it to you.

When asked why he abandoned ship before all of the passengers had made it to safety, Schettino claimed that it was lunch time and he thought he smelled pasta on shore.  Formal charges are expected soon.

PYONGYANG -  Intrepid and courageous agents of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have discovered that Great Successor and Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un won the recent GOP Iowa caucus by a 110% margin, a glorious and universal truth hidden by the dastardly imperialist American media. The people of Iowa have expressed their burning desire to live under the guidance of the Wise and Brilliant Leader and wish to defect to the Supreme Awesomeness of The Most Excellent Korean.

Impressed by the corn-growing prowess of The Greatest and Most Devoted Michael Jordan Fan, Iowans flocked to the polls in an effort to free themselves from oppressive American tyranny. The Great Man, Who Is Not Really That Fat graciously accepted this new mandate to bring the divine perfection of communism to Iowa and has already formulated a perfect and infallible strategy to wrest this fertile land from the imperialist pigs.

Furthermore, The Inventor of a Better Mousetrap has announced that he will develop a new strain of corn in honor of this most auspicious occasion. According to a government spokesman, “The Unique and Differently Gifted Leader is anxious to begin the annexation of Iowa into the DPRK and plans to travel there next week, as soon as he returns from his weekend trip to Mars.”

The evil and untrustworthy American government refused to comment on this great victory for The Most Prodigious Consumer of Kimchi.

EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the ‘royals’ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team.

“I was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,” said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, “cuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and he’s always talking about the royals there and how great they are. I couldn’t figure out why they lived in Kansas instead of, you know, England or wherever, but I just knew that we had to invite them.”

Much to the surprise of all involved, the starting line-up of the Kansas City Royals arrived at the Quad Delt house on Friday evening. “We couldn’t understand why a bunch of sorority girls wanted us to come visit them,” explained starting pitcher Jeff Francis, “or why the girl who called our manager kept calling him ‘Your Highness,’ but it’s not like we have anything better to do. We’re playing the Twins on Friday, so hanging out at a sorority sounded a lot more productive. I might try to catch a Cubs game while I’m here.”

Mercifully, the confusion did not last long, as Quad Delta house mother Martha Jibkowski quickly determined that the baseball team’s presence was a flagrant violation of house rules.

This snafu comes in the wake of Quad Delt’s disastrous all-white charity performance of The Wiz for the NAACP board of directors.

Recently, Indiana’s Republican-controlled legislature has moved to impose some of the strictest controls on abortion of any state in the nation. These measures are expected to pass with little real opposition and can only mean one thing for the rest of the country: more damn Hoosiers.

You know what this means. More rabid basketball fans chomping down on deep-fried pork products while somehow pretending to be Irish on a regular basis. More people who have actually been to Kokomo and Gary, Indiana, and have no qualms about ruining the songs by telling you about the bleak realities of such locales. More people who will spend surprising amounts of energy trying to convince you that there really is more than corn in Indiana. And, oh, God, more corn.

The Hoosiers have already spoiled the 38th-largest state in the union with their starchy diets and inability to properly pronounce names like “Versailles” and “Milan.” With the new legislation in place, the Hoosier population will grow exponentially, possibly spreading to other states to build ethanol plants and racetracks. Wildlife management officials in Illinois, Ohio, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Kentucky are now launching investigations into the spread of the population in the hopes of quickly determining if the Hoosier might become an invasive species.