On the evening of Friday, November 13 at approximately 8:00 PM, multiple Northwestern students reported seeing a polar bear climb out of a mysterious and previously unnoticed hatch on the Lakefill. The students, who were leaving a “Lost” fan club meeting in Norris, reported seeing the subject leave the hatch and run north along the lake. There have been no further sightings of the subject,  described as being a 500 lb. white male about six feet in length.

Further investigation of this report uncovered a gas leak in the Wildcat Room of Norris, where the “Lost” fan club meets. Gas inhalation is known to cause both auditory and visual hallucinations, especially in those addicted to convoluted television shows with improbable plots.

The University Police reminds all members of the Northwestern community that there are no polar bears in the Evanston area and that they should think twice before reporting such phenomena.

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This message was sent using the NU Bulkmail service to Evanston Faculty, Evanston Staff, and Evanston Students with urgent priority.

Dear NU Flipside,

Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse?

Sincerely,
James Walshington

Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival procedure for such an event. First, it is important that that you properly protect yourself against the undead. We suggest a shotgun and perhaps a machete. Flamethrowers work nicely as well. Next, you will need a place to ride out the initial infection. Malls have been scientifically proved to be the best strongholds against zombies. We suggest that you camp out on the roof of the Old Orchard Mall and wait for the zombies to starve to death, as our intensive research has shown is inevitable. Once the danger has passed, you may proceed to repopulate the world as you see fit.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com

This week’s book is an enthralling epic narrative by Charles Darwin entitled On the Origin of Species, in which the protagonist travels on a fantastical voyage to a magical island off the coast of South America. While on the surface this story may seem to be one of a slightly eccentric man cavorting with animals, as would the character of a children’s book, it is my belief that much literary significance can be found in many of the characterizations. The character of Finch, for instance, represents the many facets of human nature through his ability to change the size of his beak. Furthermore, the character of Mr. Galapagos Tortoise is clearly a reference to the age-old fable of the tortoise and the hare.

Yet, while these characters are both fanciful and full of philosophical insight, Mr. Darwin fails in many ways to create a mature work of fiction. The use of the author’s own name for the main character shows a true lack of creativity, and creates confusion as to the fictitious nature of the work. The general lack of action is also a serious drawback, as the main character spends most of his time staring at rather ordinary plants and animals. In the end, it is clear that Mr. Darwin’s work is better suited to dim-witted, easily amused children than to connoisseurs of fine literature.

Next week: a review of the Harriet Beecher Stowe’s comedic masterpiece, Uncle Tom’s Cabin.

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Mitch Skillman

Dear Mitch,

I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend to instill a fear of the sun they haven’t seen in years and a taste for the blood of humanities majors.

For those looking for an older, more experienced crowd, Pick-Staiger includes a swingers club which is run in conjunction with the Northshore Retirement Hotel. Also not to be underestimated is the Cliff Diving Club, which meets on the lakefill at 2:00 on Wednesday mornings. While it is true that nothing even slightly resembling a cliff can be seen within miles of the lakefill, it’s certainly entertaining to watch them try.

Finally, for the truly adventurous, the nightly orgies on the roof of Slivka are not to be missed, especially in January. And you wondered why they never go outside.

Dear Northwestern Flipside,

All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home?

Your number one fan,
Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer

Well, Randy (I’m going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while their high school friends are also out of school. To enforce this, small explosives have been woven into all Northwestern apparel. If you remain in your hometown with any acquaintances you knew before entering Northwestern, the explosives will arm. The only way to keep them from detonating is to return to campus. You will be confined to an isolation room in the 28th sub-basement of Tech until you have received at least 5 text messages from friends at home asking if you want to hang out, at which point you will be released and enrolled in four sections of organic chemistry until your brain melts and you forget what your home even looks like.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com

EVANSTON—In a shocking move last Thursday morning, Joe “No Liver” Guggenheim, a local convenience store night-shift manager and alcoholic, turned down an offer of a free case of Natty Light. The offer came when the brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg realized that they bought more beer than they could fit in their car. The fraternity was stocking up for a big weekend bash to celebrate the coming of a full moon.

Upon seeing Mr. Guggenheim drunkenly stumbling down the street at 11:00 AM, they offered him the beer rather than returning it to the store. “He seemed like he could, like, use it more than we could, you know, man?” added local bro Chris Steves. “I always, like, see him drinking all the time.”

When asked about his surprise refusal, Guggenheim stated that he “didn’t drink piss water. [takes sip] Seriously man, I’m just too classy for that shit,” said Guggenheim while chugging vodka from a plastic bottle. “I only drink quality stuff like PBR or whatever the hell I’m drinking right now. It’s really good…who are you? How did I get here?”

It is unknown at this time what became of the unwanted beer. Perhaps a contribution was made to Evanston’s homeless community. What? They deserve some fun once and a while.

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Why don’t you have any “Area Woman” articles? It seems like you only ever write articles about men.

Sincerely,
Sheila Von Ontario

Dear Sheila,

The main reason that the Flipside is so testosterone-fueled is that women rarely do anything stupid enough for us to bother writing articles about them. It’s so much easier to make up funny stories about some drunken dude’s escapades than it is to find humor in cooking and cleaning.

I mean, look at Frances Willard. I doubt if she ever did anything worth satirizing. Actually, the real reason that all the articles are about guys is that there isn’t a single woman on the Flipside staff (hint, hint). It’s just a bunch of dudes sitting around pulling mildly offensive jokes out of nowhere.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com.