EVANSTON—Northwestern University officials announced in a statement Sunday night that one Prius in the school’s SafeRide fleet is actually a Transformer in disguise hiding from the evil lord Megatron.

The Transformer, Tigerzord, was hiding on Earth after fleeing Cybertron, its home planet. Tigerzord failed to steal the mighty Allspark from Megatron, and thus was forced into hiding to avoid the wrathful robot’s ruthless minions Starscream, Bonecrusher, Frenzy and Brawl.

Tigerzord was discovered when it mistakenly transformed while carrying several sorority sisters to North Campus for a party. “It was so scary,” said sophomore Veronica Stevenson. “We were just like driving and then all of a sudden the car like just transformed and blasted another car with its laser.” Police confirmed that the destroyed car was not not a Decepticon, but rather a Kia Sorento. It appears that Tigerzord misidentified the Sorento.

Tigerzord then proceeded to flee the scene.

Northwestern consulted with Transformers expert Jonah Goldfarb, 13, about the case. “It is rare, but possible, to have a Transformer living in our midst,” said Goldfarb. Goldfarb is a foremost expert in the field, owning over 15 Transformers action figures. Goldfarb estimates that he has seen the Transformers movies at least seven times, although he did admit that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen “kind of sucked.”

School officials have since examined the rest of the SafeRide fleet and confirmed that there are no other robots in disguise.

EVANSTON—In front of a full Pick-Staiger auditorium last Wednesday, Howard Dean disappointed many supporters by not making any funny noises during his debate with former senator Rick Santorum. Dean’s constituency was devastated.

The former Vermont governor won over many fans when he effectively ended his 2004 presidential campaign by making a squealing, high-pitched scream noise that was both disastrous and hilarious.

Dean’s supporters were dismayed. “I mean, you follow a guy for so many years, you think you know him, and its like he totally changed,” said Steve Gershwin, a member of College Democrats. “It’s disappointing to see how much he gave into the politics.”

Bethany McCormick has followed Dean closely since that initial scream in 2004. “I really didn’t want to just sit there and listen to them babble about the policies and young voters or whatever,” she said. “I came to hear Howard make funny noises and it is disheartening to see him abandon his fan base like that.”

Even Sen. Santorum seemed surprised by Dean’s serious tone. “Really, the fact that Howard never made that little piggy noise was a huge strategic error. That definitely undermined his credibility.”

Dean could not be reached for comment, although a spokesperson for the former governor said that funny noises “are not completely off the table” at future speaking events.

EVANSTON—After weeks of posturing and discussing getting laid, Weinberg Freshman Alan Simpson discovered Thursday that his shit literally does not stink. The revelation came as a shock to many who knew him.

“I was just about to flush the toilet, when I thought, ‘Hey, that’s weird’,” Simpson said. “So I got a little closer, and sure enough, it didn’t smell bad, like, at all.”

Simpson’s roommate, Robert Talley, was caught by surprise.

“For the first couple weeks, he just seemed like your typical freshman douche, you know?” Talley said. “He was always talking about his father’s law practice and this girl who he almost fucked. I just thought he was full of it, but now I guess I have to get him credit – he is just naturally awesome.”

Although Simpson’s condition is rare, it is still sometimes seen in Americans, although it is most common among the French. Stanford gastroenterologist Stephen DuPont said that Simpson’s case is not isolated.

“For the most part, this is an incredibly over-diagnosed condition,” DuPont said. “For every 10,000,000 Americans who believe that their shit doesn’t stink, only about one can say that scientifically.”

DuPont even cited several specific examples of people who at first may have seemed like irritating blowhards, but actually were validated by their non-odorous feces.

“People like Sarah Palin, Martha Stewart and even Kevin Federline all seem like pompous windbags, but you really have to take a scientific look at their shit,” said Dupont. “And when you do, you realize that it actually smells kind of like cinnamon.”

Simpson reported that the discovery has provided his social life with a significant upgrade. “Dude, totally. At this point, I’m just rolling in it. I knew I’d end up being the Big Man on Campus, I just didn’t realize it would only take me three weeks.”

For Talley, Simpson’s roommate, the revelation has been difficult to accept. “I still keep having this overwhelming desire to call him a fucking douche and punch him in the nose. I keep reminding myself that his shit really doesn’t stink.”

HOLLYWOOD – The zombie apocalypse appears to have finally occurred, but at least one human will make it out alive. Joan Rivers, the television personality and actress, is reportedly in good health and spirits following the zombie epidemic.

“Joan is doing wonderfully,” said Rivers’s zombie spokeswoman, Jane Wilson. “In fact, she plans to attend the red carpet for the Zombie Academy Awards this winter! It will be the same old Joan we all know and love.”

Scientists are not sure how the comedian has managed to avoid detection even while walking among brain-hungry evil zombies. “Usually when a human is in the presence of zombies, it’s like throwing a slab of meat to dogs,” said zombiologist Norman Watkins. “But in the case of Joan Rivers, the zombies appear to be completely unable to detect her. They simply cannot detect any human resemblance.”

Sources close to Rivers told Flipside reporters that the actress has continued with her daily routine despite the zombie overthrow of the world. “She still meets the girls at the Supper Club every morning for mimosas,” the source said. “Then it’s on to the afternoon bridge game.”

As fewer and fewer humans remain alive, it seems that the hopes of humanity will rest in the hands of one woman – Joan Rivers.