NASHVILLE, TN — NRA Executive Vice President/Walking Effigy Wayne LaPierre took to the stage today to thoroughly denounce the recent spate of “3D-printed” guns as irresponsible, deadly, and a major unchecked threat to the security of his end of year bonus.

Speaking to a rapt, ravenous audience of gun owners who seemingly didn’t have anywhere else to be on a Monday afternoon, LaPierre framed the plastic, largely-untraceable devices (which could become increasingly problematic as the price of 3D printers drop) as a violation of the NRA’s First Amendment rights:

“Citizens United established the right to corporate ‘money for free speech,’ and these new… Socialist, free guns could cut off the entire money supply to the protectors of your Second Amendment rights, from Smith & Wesson to Beretta! No money means no lobbying, and that is an unacceptable trampling of our First Amendment right to Free Speech! The Obama administration is at it again!” The audience erupted into a staggering chorus of hisses and boos.

“I don’t know about you,” LaPierre stated rhetorically, stepping away from his podium to be closer to his audience, “but if Obama thinks I’m going to give up the rights our forefathers sacrificed so much for, all the way back in 2010, he’s got another thing coming! Now, who’s with me?!?” Like steam bursting through a vent, the sheer magnitude of applause the final comment elicited forced several reporters in attendance to stagger backwards.

Although he successfully convinced the most enthusiastic members of his fan base that giving thousands of dollars to the NRA and and its sponsors was the only way to prevent Hitler’s return, LaPierre did face challenges from outside commentators who saw the free-to-download blueprints as the ultimate culmination of their belief in the Second Amendment.

“I SWEAR TO GOD,” LaPierre later bellowed in response to his critics, “if my salary with bonuses this year is less than 2.4 mil, I will SINGLE-HANDEDLY ensure gun control passes.”

ATLANTA, GA — Following their botched reporting of last Tuesday’s Boston Marathon bombings, during which the once-venerable network continually reported unverified (and untrue) claims as fact, cable news outlet CNN has announced a controversial plan to formulate and launch a terrorist attack on US soil. Cable News Network’s parent company Time Warner hopes that by planning and executing a deadly, meticulous strike themselves, CNN’s reporters will actually be able to get the facts right this time.

According to verified sources speaking to the BBC, AP, The New York Times, and The Washington Post, the burden of the assault will fall mainly on junior reporter Nathaniel Miller, who (following a carefully-scripted procedure), will pick the target, carry out the attack, hide for a day, and finally be shot while resisting arrest. Miller’s superiors have commanded the 27-year-old reporter not to deviate from the timeline in any fashion, God forbid they announce that he’s been arrested while he’s still on the “frantic getaway attempt” phase of the plan. Again.

Concurrently, veteran reporter Anderson Cooper, considered by many to be the only person left at CNN with a single ounce of fucking integrity, will be strategically featured as the only person on screen for the whole period, delivering rote updates while wondering if Reuters is hiring.

UPDATE – 11:34 AM: This just in, CNN is finally reporting on claims that CNN is formulating a terrorist attack. Producers for Wolf Blitzer’s “Situation Room” have tweeted a photo of network founder Ted Turner instead of the bomber.

UPDATE – 12:52 PM: Eyewitness reports of an isolated explosion along a rural highway have been verified. The New York Times is first on the scene.

Yes – Raising Tuition is An Unfortunate Necessity in Today’s Economic Climate

By Morton Owen Schapiro

Every year, I am presented with the question, do we need to raise tuition by another four percent? Every year, the answer is yes.

As someone whose specialty is the economics of higher education, I know that there is simply no alternative to raising tuition. Let me outline just three of the many reasons for you:

1. Financial Aid – In order to pay for the tuition of lower income students, we must raise tuition for everyone else. Because tuition keeps rising, for the university to be able to provide the same level of financial aid, we need to keep raising tuition. It’s a vicious cycle.

2. Free Stuff – All the free things students here get aren’t actually free. We just charge more for your tuition. Free t-shirt? That’s $15 of your tuition money. Free shuttle service? $500. What’s that, you want free printing and u-passes for the El? That’ll be another $1000.

3. My Salary – I do my part for this school, my job is basically fundraising, and that exhausting endeavor deserves a commensurate salary. Look, I only make $212,000 a year from my Board of Directors stint at that insurance company Marsh & McLennan Companies. A couple million more from Northwestern is only fair.

And so, it is clear that from the financial realities of the modern world, for the University to be sustainable, we must continue to raise the sticker price of attending this fine institution.

Counterpoint:
HELL YES!!! – Have You SEEN the Prices for These Fucking Flowers?!?

By Morty Schapiro

Holy shit these flowers are expensive. Jesus! You don’t want to know how much it costs to keep this place looking presentable! Before I took this job, if you had told me that being University President boiled down to being a glorified botanist at the expense of improved campus facilities and mental health services, I’d have told you to take this job!

Wait, the saying’s “take this job and shove it?” Why would I want to do that? I’d tell you to take this highly-paid, respectable job! The whole thing’s like one of my beloved Economics problems come to life! I get to explore supply, demand, and investigate an intriguing market bubble!

Do you know what a bubble is? It’s when a good is continually sold for an amount that far outweighs its intrinsic value, eventually leading to a complete market collapse! And did you know that if tuition continues to grow along at current rates a single year at Northwestern will cost well over $70,000 by 2030?

Two completely unrelated facts, of course, as anyone who’s spent time with me or our fine University’s Board of Directors already knows that Northwestern’s tuition rates are pegged directly to the Florists’ Transworld Delivery exchange downtown in Downers Grove. You want to complain to someone, go talk to their President! He’s the head honcho! He’s the jackass who decided to price a single goddamned box of tulip bulbs at $40!

And, yes, we may technically have more money that we know what to do with, but that doesn’t stop us from needing more! We need to build a nest egg for our University to rely on during tough times! (Like when outrageous tuition costs lead to dire financial collapse at America’s oldest Universities.) Won’t you be glad that we’re prepared then?