WASHINGTON – A new report from the Department of Education has noted an alarming increase in per capita alcohol consumption by graduating college seniors. The report notes that while a rate of alcoholism of 50% or higher is not unusual amongst the general population, it is a worrying sight when observed in those who haven’t even entered the current job market yet.

Richard Shamberg, social psychologist and author of the report, was called to testify before a special committee in Congress.

“The real world is gonna hit these poor schmucks like a sack of bricks,” Shamberg noted, sneaking sips from a hip-flask between questions. “It’s inevitable. There’s nothing wrong with a little sauce when the world constantly stomps on your dreams, but these kids need to wait until they’re bitter shells of humans whose only memory of happiness is seeing it cruelly snatched away. If these kids are already alcoholics, just imagine how low they’ll sink after they experience chronic unemployment.”

Amanda Bennett, a graduating Northwestern University Physics major with a 3.9 GPA attempted to refute Shamberg’s report, but tripped over her own feet and started giggling.

“You really need to catch her before noon,” a roommate advised. “In fact, you might want to come back tomorrow. She’s never at her best on Tuesdays.”

Many educators believe that increased pressure on teenagers and young adults over the past several decades has led them to begin drinking at younger ages and drink more while in college, before cynicism has had a chance to fully set in.

“The absolute worst part? These kids are drinking for fun,” Shamberg told the committee. “In their youthful exuberance, these kids have begun to treat drinking as a social, life-affirming event rather than something you do alone at 4AM in a shitty downtown bar because you just can’t bear to face the next day. Poor fools.”

PALO ALTO, CA – Following a billion-dollar acquisition of popular photo-sharing app Instagram, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced a complete overhaul of Facebook’s user interface featuring Instagram’s characteristic “vintage” filters. The new interface will be launched without any warning to users within the next week.

“This may be the biggest re-design we’ve ever done,” Zuckerberg declared from Facebook’s Palo Alto headquarters. “Expect some major Instagram integration in the coming days. Like pictures of lakes at sunset? There’s gonna be a metric fuck-ton of those.” Other highlights include an anticipated glut of black-and-white cat photos, baby photos, and half-assed “studios” put together by that kid you knew in middle school who’s now begging you to like his “beats.”

Facebook also unveiled a new suite of tools aimed at the less tech-minded. Users inexperienced with Instagram will be able to easily customize their profile pictures with preset options “Emo,” “Swagggg,” or “Smug Douche Who Wants You to Know He Has an iPhone.”

“These new tools allow users to ‘bare their souls’ through photos staged and edited to within an inch of their lives,” Zuckerberg claimed. “Widespread Instagram uptake will ensure that the next time your friend stops for a picture of a scenic bridge, you throw either his smartphone or him over the railing rather than indulge the narcissistic tendencies of a self-professed ‘photographer’ who’s never made it all the way through a proper photo gallery.”

Instagram’s acquisition has so far been welcomed by the online community, except for the 40 million current Instagram members who will never again use the service now that their favorite “indie” app (that requires an Apple- or Google-branded smartphone) is associated with a major corporation.

Legal Disclaimer: By reading this or any other news report mentioning the Instagram buy-out, you hereby allow Facebook to smother your photos with so much contrast and sepia that they look like shitty ads for Levi’s jeans.

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