“Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman.

“Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative to install more water fountains in campus buildings. It’s great to see students using the app to work together,” he added.

The updated version also includes more features targeted directly at students, most notably an action that allows for direct chatting with NU President Morty Schapiro.

“I just thought about, like, dumb stuff I wish I could do on my phone, and then, like, designed the software around that,” said McCormick senior Dave Brenning, who also worked on the app’s design.

When asked how the application enables the school president to BBM, a function currently only capable on the BlackBerry, Brenning responded, “Want to do worthless and unfeasible things using valuable Northwestern resources? There’s an app for that.”

The updated application also makes greater use of the interactive map that was created in the first version of the app. Now students can use the GPS system to find their way back to their dorm room from anywhere in Evanston and the greater Chicago area.

“Perfect for one-night stands,” explained freshman Sally Merkelson, who uses the Northwestern app on her purple bejeweled iPhone.

“Knowing that now I’ll somehow make it back to Bobb in the morning takes a little bit of headache out of my already horrible hangover.”

While Bergman is proud of NAGS’ work on the app, he knows there will be more room for improvement. He said he hopes to develop a breathalyzer for the phone, which rates inebriation on a scale of “buzzed,” “schwasted,” and “shitfaced”.

“It’s all about making life more enjoyable for the kids, even if it will cause tuition costs to double in the next two years. I really look forward to getting to work on version 1.667,” he said.

According to Britton, Maus’s newly-penned back story details his past as a juvenile delinquent. “He wears a lot of black. He blows cigarette smoke in your face just because he can. He’s generally the type of tool you take one look at and realize you should make sure he gets nowhere near your children,” he said.

Disney decided to revamp its outreach strategy after noticing how many costumed employees dressed as members of the Mickey Mouse Club got the shit beat out of them at its nation-wide theme parks.

The company decided to conduct intense, laborious studies on kids. Researchers examined many components of young people’s psychological state, from their Facebook statuses to their Twitter tweets.

“It was an interesting endeavor, targeting and stalking kids on the Internet,” said developer Marc Remlinger, who recently appeared on Dateline NBC’s program To Catch a Predator. “But what we found is that this generation of children is overwhelmingly self-centered, rude and essentially evil. For years, Disney has tried to promote the opposite values, but it became clear that we needed to adapt our methods in order to survive in this changing social climate.”

It was then that Remlinger and his team of animators created the concept of “a complete dick who adolescents can look up to as a sort of anti-hero who encompasses all that is wrong in this world,” he said.

Disney already has big plans for Maus, whose new features include a thick German accent and a more colorful vocabulary.

In a bold and creative campaign, Disney will be releasing a video game making the mascot change interactive. Coup d’Etat, which is set to be released before Christmas, will feature players controlling the new Disney icon through levels of “a horror version of ‘It’s a Small World,’” trying to find and eventually slaughter the old Mickey Mouse.

Britton added that Disney will update other classic characters like Snow White and Cinderella, though he was unable to disclose many details. “The specifics don’t really matter, so long as [the characters] become extremely slutty. Our goal is to make all our female cartoons into whores. And Donald Duck is really just a quack, we might as well eliminate him,” said Remlinger.

Said Britton: “I’d like to think our company’s founder and my personal hero, Walt Disney, would be really pleased with the direction we’re going in. His top priority was always children’s happiness, and I think we killed it… I mean, in a good way.”

“We overextended ourselves. We dug too many dirt paths throughout the city and now we have to pay for them,” explained CCD Deputy Daniel Boone Heade, whose grandsire was the celebrated American pioneer. Many a student are finding the hike in cost inexcusable. “I smell a rat. My ma and pa don’t give me enough bank notes as it is. How is I supposed to travel now?” asked Morgan Alleghany, an English major at Northwestern.

Moreover, the CCD’s engorged carriage fare has reminded Northwestern students that they still have not been issued a UBuggy pass, which would allow them free transportation to Chicago and entrance into famous museums and theatres (set to be built soon).

“One of the main reasons we all came here was that Chicago is so close to Evanston. You can horse and buggy it to a major city in a little over a fortnight!” etched student Johnston Maplebury onto his wall. He said he believed the university should encourage its students to get out of this “ghost town only known for its varied cuisine.”

The CCD suggested Northwestern create its own line of free transportation carriages to bring students to Chicago and back. University officials said they will look into this, as well as a Pony Frostbite Express for cold winter nights.

The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize,” Obama added, perhaps alluding to past winners such as NU Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald and overall badass Theodore Roosevelt.

Gasps of surprise were heard throughout the White House when the news was released. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said he at first thought the HRMINF was a joke. “I have also never read an issue of The Flipside, but my aides tell me it’s all just satire,” said Gibbs. “I thought I was just supposed to laugh, and think about the real issues this kind of humor brings to light.”

While the White House accepted the award as a pleasant surprise, critics of Obama and even of the award itself had some harsh words for the President.

Fox News’ Glenn Beck suggested that Obama only won to meet some Flipside “affirmative action quota.” Little did he know, The Flipside does its best to satirize the presidency, so the fact that Obama appreciates The Flipside was rather surprising.

Another “reporter” from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly called the prize “damaged goods,” since Stephen Colbert, a Northwestern alum, had already won it. O’Reilly even suggested that Obama put a “no spin zone” on the HRMINF and decline the award.