FUNAFUTI, TUVALU – Willy Telavi, Prime Minister of Tuvalu, was informed Friday that his nation had been sold at auction to the same man who purchased “The Scream.” Although the famous Munsch painting sold for a record $119.9 million May 2, Tuvalu went for a paltry $15 million, though this is admittedly more than twice as large as Tuvalu’s annual budget.

The purchaser is determined to remain anonymous, unwilling to divulge to the public his true identity and just how many bazillions of dollars he has. However, it came as no surprise when he purchased the Pacific Island nation; with a GDP of only $36 million, the mystery purchaser was easily able to afford it.

Foreign Relations analysts can only speculate what the purchaser will do with his new nation. Gordon Gordonson of the BBC commented, “All we know is that he likes ‘The Scream.’ He likes art, so maybe he’ll turn Tuvalu into an art gallery. He likes screaming, so maybe he’ll order the Tuvaluans to yell at him. And honestly, anyone who spends that kind of money for ‘The Scream’ must be kind of angsty, so it’s my bet that he’ll turn the nation into a human safari, like in ‘The Most Dangerous Game’ by Richard Connell.”

Tuvaluans are for the most part happy about the purchase. Governor General Iakoba Italeli said in an exclusive interview with The Flipside, “Despite being an independent nation since 1978, we still submit to the God-blessed authority of Her Majesty Elizabeth II. As Governor General, I perform the duties of the Queen in her absence. Which is always, because she never comes here. God save the Queen.”

Italeli is therefore excited to submit to the rule of the unknown purchaser. “I hope it’s Mitt Romney,” said Italeli. “He’s so handsome, he seems like a nice guy, and he’d totally buy a nation. Things aren’t looking too good for him in the American election.”

EVANSTON – Weinberg Senior Kevin Pandolph turned in his senior thesis statement three weeks before graduation, reported the Office of Undergraduate Advising. Pandolph, a political science major and member of Tappa Tappa Keg fraternity, decided he needed to do something to distinguish himself from his peers as he begins his job search, and decided to apply for honors in his major.

“I realized just how average my resume is,” said Pandolph. “I have a 2.2 GPA, I don’t have any leadership positions, unless you count being The Guy Who Lends His Car to People in His Frat, and I haven’t had a job since I quit working in the Hinman mailroom freshman year. God, that job sucked! My boss was a jerk and smelled bad, I kept getting paper cuts, I got really bored, it was really boring, sometimes I got paper cuts, my boss often had pieces of spinach stuck in his teeth, it was boring, did you know the edges of paper are really sharp, and you shouldn’t ever work in the Hinman mail room. God that job sucked.”

Pandolph only stopped ranting about the Hinman mailroom when reminded he was being interviewed about his senior thesis.

“Right, so writing a thesis statement is really easy, and you get honors for it! That’ll make me stand out to employers. I should probably start looking for a job, because my parents said they won’t let me live in their basement after I graduate.”

Pandolph explained that since high school he’s been told that the thesis is the most important part of any paper, because it tells the reader exactly what will be discussed. “I’m so good at thesises,” said Pandolph. “But I hate writing the rest of the paper. I can’t believe you can get honors just for writing a thesis!”

Upon turning in his thesis statement, Pandolph’s advisor thanked him for his hard work and said the only way he would be able to find a place to live after college would be to steal the key to his parent’s house.

EVANSTON – While job fairs at the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Sciences have been well attended by many prestigious firms, such as Boeing, Schneider Electric, and Microsoft, the School of Communication is excited to report a massive influx of recruiting pressure from Starbucks for this year’s graduating class.

“This might come as kind of a surprise, given the rigor of the Comm curriculum,” theater major Kirk Hammill told The Flipside, “but I was actually kind of worried about finding a job after graduation.”

For Hammill, who will start in July as a barista at Starbucks’ Grand Central location in New York, his new job is a “dream come true.” “I’ll practically be on Broadway!” he exclaimed over his no-whip, non-fat, extra-hot double hazelnut mocha.

Department Chair Matthew Schlue says he couldn’t be happier that his students are finally receiving recognition for all the hard work they’ve invested in their education here at NU. “Now when they overhear Business Majors talk about their Wall Street interviews while toiling away on their one weekly homework assignment at Norbucks, they can know that they’re special too,” he told The Flipside to the tune of “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

According to Hammill, the application process was no “chorus-line harmony.” In a strenuous first-round group interview process, applicants were asked difficult milk-based questions, like, “How does the froth to espresso ratio compare in a cappuccino versus a latte?”

Hammill says that some of the philosophy majors present made real fools of themselves during the interview. “Ugh, such amateurs. I think one even said a Café Americano is coffee based. He probably wouldn’t have known Barbara Streisand from Patti Lupone.” (Upon hearing the latter statement, Rachelle Terry, a close friend of Hamill’s who has received a Music Theater Certificate , screamed and ran out of the coffee shop where this interview was conducted).

After breezing through round one, Hammill says that he knew he sealed the deal at a dinner a few weeks ago. While Google recruits have reported being taken out to dinner at such culinary hot spots as Charlie Trotter’s and Alinea in downtown Chicago, Starbucks executives treated to high-profile candidates like Hammill to an evening at the Applebee’s location just a little farther down Michigan Ave. “I knew I had the New York position in a lock when the regional manager asked me, ‘If you could draw any picture or write any message in latté foam, what would it be and why?’ I said the opening verse of ‘Memory’ from ‘Cats.’ The Head of Human Relations was so moved that she cried.”

EVANSTON – A Biology 215 textbook became slightly water damaged today, when textbook owner Andrew Coble knocked over his open water bottle.

“I was studying at the library,” said Coble, a Weinberg freshman, “when I decided to get up to go to the bathroom. As I rose to my feet, my hand knocked into my water bottle.”

The water bottle then fell over, spilling its contents – water – onto the table Coble had been sitting at. The water spread quickly, quickly dampening Coble’s Biology textbook, Essential Genetics: A Genomics Perspective.

“I didn’t have any paper towels!” moaned Coble, remembering his inability to clean up his mess.

Pages 177-362 were damaged near the top of the book, and page 176 was splashed slightly. After drying, the textbook is expected to make a full recovery, though its pages will never lie perfectly flat again.

“I’ve learned my lesson,” Coble said, explaining his plan to prevent future accidents by always screwing the cap back on after taking a sip.

BREAKING: Rumors have just surfaced that Coble managed to drop his iPhone into the toilet while attempting to wipe himself and play Angry Birds simultaneously.