EVANSTON – Members of the Northwestern University student organization Coalition Against Climate Change announced today that they were “satisfied” to see the return of wintry weather.

“We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.”

Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s.

“Seriously, we were freaking out about global warming. I mean, it’s January. It’s supposed to be icy cold, not moderately chilly. For a while we thought we were too drunk to realize it was cold, but as it turns out, that had nothing to do with how warm last week was.”

Other members of the club shared similar sentiments of relief.

“We didn’t even need our thick jackets and mufflers. I saw a guy walking down Sheridan in a hoodie. A hoodie!” reported junior Wendy Frost, a member of the Coalition against Climate Change. “I’m just really glad to see all the people around with winter gear on again, especially those big, goofy hats.”

“I almost died last week,” said the snowman residing behind the Norris student center, an active member of the Coalition. “It was just too warm.”

However, not everyone on campus is happy that the frosty weather is back. Freshmen April Lim was overheard muttering, “I could have gone to Berkeley,” during a particularly strong wind gust.

The biggest loser in this entire situation seems to be freshmen theater major George Lebow, who mistakenly thought winter was over and sold all of his warm clothing in exchange for beer money. While Lebow will probably suffer the consequences of hypothermia, it is likely that he will not feel anything at all.

“Opportunity Cost” Speculated as Reason

EVANSTON – When sophomore economics major Mark Richman signed up for PHIL 181: “Introduction to Ethical Decision Making”, the news surprised most other economics majors, who comprise approximately half of the undergraduate population. This shocking attempt at an escape from the norm came to an end when it was revealed that Richman dropped the course recently in favor of ECON 294: “Seminar – Risky Business: Is It Really That Bad?”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the schedule change; officials at Butner Federal Correctional Complex in Raleigh reported that inmate Bernard Madoff let out a “disturbingly evil laughter” at the same moment.

When prompted for an explanation to this sudden change of heart, Richman responded simply saying “Well, I only signed up for that ethics class to get distribution credit.”

“I’m not really that surprised,” reported Jane McLynn, a junior majoring in economics who briefly contemplated taking an ethics course while “completely stoned” last winter. “Why would any econ major choose ethics over an econ seminar? Business schools probably hate those classes.”

Researchers at Kellogg School of Management were able to calculate that after dropping out of the ethics course, Richman will potentially be able to increase his personal worth by approximately $15,623. The research team noted that the ethics course could have resulted in lost opportunities in the financial sector and a “general loss of drive and self-importance.”

The move has so far triggered no protests other than from Richman’s roommate, McCormick sophomore Jack Enghoff, who lost his “alone time” as a result of Richman’s schedule change.

BOISE, ID – Former Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, publicly confessed his “great love” for “the glorious art of tap-dance” on a press conference Tuesday.

He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians.

“A star is born,” squealed the former senator, discussing DeLay’s performance Monday night. “I knew that under his ‘hammer’ persona, there was a bad boy, a naughty boy who could shake his booty like that.”
It was an understood fact within the D.C. circles of politics that under the strict codes of the Bush Administration, members of the Republican Party were not allowed to publically engage in “dancing”, or what might pass as dancing among old, white men. However, political analysts noted that the enforcement of this rule has softened since Karl Rove managed to terrify the audience at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Dinner while showing off his moves in 2007, only to be completely shattered by Tom “Da Hammer” DeLay this fall.

Sen. Craig went on to discuss his career-ending arrest at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on June 11, 2007, the event he now describes as a “misunderstood practice session”.

“Tiled airport bathrooms are perfect for practicing tap when you’re not wearing your tap shoes,” explained Sen. Craig. “Had I the courage and pride to come out to the press and say ‘yes, I am a Republican, and I love to tap’, I’m very sure that I would have kept my job as a Senator.”

The former senator ended his press conference by asking voters to support Rep. DeLay by working the phones, encouraging other Republican politicians to join his movement to turn the Republican Party into a “Dance Party”, and announcing that he will be moving to New York City to audition for Off-Broadway productions while working part time jobs around the city’s public toilets.