EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign.

Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations.

“I have always fought hard for the peace and safety of this city.” Said Tisdahl. “If that goal happens to coincide with the mission of the good people at the Temperance Union, then so be it.”

When reached for comment, Willard replied “Boo.”

The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism for the lack of early response.

According to experts from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, while milk is biodegradable, the bacterial growth coming from bad milk will most certainly disrupt the environmental balance of Lake Michigan irreparably.

Republican leadership has since strongly criticized the president for the failed joke during the State of the Union address, calling the joke “utterly tasteless” and the president “out-of-touch.”

“But seriously, what are the odds that something like this would happen?” muttered President Obama, looking crestfallen. “What people don’t understand is that I didn’t do this. I didn’t leave the milk out.”

Later, the President was forced to cancel a scheduled speech in front of the Milwaukee city hall when he broke into fits of sobbing.

“Hissss… Shsssh shhh hisss hssssss…. I’m sorry, there must be some technical difficulties here.” said one of the lizard people while adjusting the microphone. “It’s hard to say that we’re not disappointed by the results tonight. The future is uncertain, but we will make our decisions considering what’s best not only for us but also for America.”

The candidates, who once held an insurmountable lead in the 7-to-12 “juvenile” demographic of the Republican party, now face a tough decision between staying in the race and cutting their losses.

Republican strategist and Flipside political commentator William Sanderson said it was likely that the half-reptiles would eventually drop out of the race.

“You know, the Republican Party has a history of choosing candidates with strong conservative credentials and values,” said Sanderson “It wasn’t entirely sure that the campaign’s messages were entire compatible with ordinary Iowa voters.”

Lizard people ran a campaign emphasizing less government interventions in insect markets and lower taxes on exotic pets. Their message was overshadowed by the campaign’s many gaffes. During a televised debate back in October, the candidates blurted out that Texas Governor Rick Perry looked “delicious”. In November, one of the lizard people accidentally swallowed a baby whole during a town hall meeting.

While little is known of the future plans for the lizard people, experts speculate that they would return to their careers as sci-fi movie villains.

Ladies needed for educational demonstration of toy drills. Required to work naked in a public setting. Compensation will include appropriate payment and a souvenir toy. Contact: bailey@northwestern.edu

and

Human sexuality psychologist needed for Psychology department. Required to conduct research in Evanston, IL and teach Psychology 337. Responsible applicants only.

Wikipedia ( /ˌwɪkɪˈpiːdi.ə/ or /ˌwɪkiˈpiːdi.ə/ WIK-i-PEE-dee-ə) is a free, web-based, collaborative, multilingual encyclopedia project supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Its 17 million articles (over 3.5 million in English) have been written collaboratively by volunteers around the world, and almost all of its articles can be edited by anyone with access to the site. Wikipedia was launched in 2001 by Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger and has become the largest and most popular general reference work on the Internet, ranking eighth among all websites on Alexa and having 365 million readers.

The name Wikipedia was coined by Larry Sanger and is a portmanteau from wiki (a technology for creating collaborative websites, from the Hawaiian word wiki, meaning “quick”) and encyclopedia.

Although the policies of Wikipedia strongly espouse verifiability and a neutral point of view, critics of Wikipedia accuse it of systemic bias and inconsistencies (including undue weight given to popular culture), and allege that it favors consensus over credentials in its editorial processes. Its reliability and accuracy are also targeted. Other criticisms center on its susceptibility to vandalism and the addition of spurious or unverified information, though scholarly work suggests that vandalism is generally short-lived, and an investigation in Nature found that the science articles they compared came close to the level of accuracy of Encyclopædia Britannica and had a similar rate of “serious errors”.

Wikipedia’s departure from the expert-driven style of the encyclopedia building mode and the large presence of unacademic content have been noted several times. When Time magazine recognized You as its Person of the Year for 2006, acknowledging the accelerating success of online collaboration and interaction by millions of users around the world, it cited Wikipedia as one of several examples of Web 2.0 services, along with YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook. Some noted the importance of Wikipedia not only as an encyclopedic reference but also as a frequently updated news resource because of how quickly articles about recent events appear. Students have been assigned to write Wikipedia articles as an exercise in clearly and succinctly explaining difficult concepts to an uninitiated audience.

At press time, the street price per ounce of Tostitos chips had shot up to $1,200, leading to a resurgence of the phrase “Worth its weight in cocaine.” Because all of the world’s Tostitos now officially belong to the Auburn football team, the only legal way to get them is to go directly through the team’s management. “It’s been great,” remarked Auburn head coach Gene Chizik, “Our budget now exceeds the GDP of 95% of the world’s nations. With these kinds of numbers, we’ll be able to offer potential athletes deals that they can’t refuse.”

In other news, a local soccer mom (name withheld) has made millions from black-market sales of the corn-based snack food. When interviewed by the Flipside, she said, “I want to thank Brent for this unexpected boon. I went to the mall the other day and bought literally every pair of shoes that they had. I also have plans to invest in oranges, sugar, and roses in preparation for next year’s bowl season.”

“We are pleased and happy to report that the cold weather is back,” said senior Mike Daly, president of the Coalition. “You guys don’t understand how freaked out we were last week.”

Daly is referring to the flash of warmth Evanston experienced last week, when high temperatures reached mid-40s.

“Seriously, we were freaking out about global warming. I mean, it’s January. It’s supposed to be icy cold, not moderately chilly. For a while we thought we were too drunk to realize it was cold, but as it turns out, that had nothing to do with how warm last week was.”

Other members of the club shared similar sentiments of relief.

“We didn’t even need our thick jackets and mufflers. I saw a guy walking down Sheridan in a hoodie. A hoodie!” reported junior Wendy Frost, a member of the Coalition against Climate Change. “I’m just really glad to see all the people around with winter gear on again, especially those big, goofy hats.”

“I almost died last week,” said the snowman residing behind the Norris student center, an active member of the Coalition. “It was just too warm.”

However, not everyone on campus is happy that the frosty weather is back. Freshmen April Lim was overheard muttering, “I could have gone to Berkeley,” during a particularly strong wind gust.

The biggest loser in this entire situation seems to be freshmen theater major George Lebow, who mistakenly thought winter was over and sold all of his warm clothing in exchange for beer money. While Lebow will probably suffer the consequences of hypothermia, it is likely that he will not feel anything at all.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average jumped 38 points after Richman requested the schedule change; officials at Butner Federal Correctional Complex in Raleigh reported that inmate Bernard Madoff let out a “disturbingly evil laughter” at the same moment.

When prompted for an explanation to this sudden change of heart, Richman responded simply saying “Well, I only signed up for that ethics class to get distribution credit.”

“I’m not really that surprised,” reported Jane McLynn, a junior majoring in economics who briefly contemplated taking an ethics course while “completely stoned” last winter. “Why would any econ major choose ethics over an econ seminar? Business schools probably hate those classes.”

Researchers at Kellogg School of Management were able to calculate that after dropping out of the ethics course, Richman will potentially be able to increase his personal worth by approximately $15,623. The research team noted that the ethics course could have resulted in lost opportunities in the financial sector and a “general loss of drive and self-importance.”

The move has so far triggered no protests other than from Richman’s roommate, McCormick sophomore Jack Enghoff, who lost his “alone time” as a result of Richman’s schedule change.

He started his press conference with a string of praise for former Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Texas, whose recent performances on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars” has triggered a dancing boom among the echelons of former Republican politicians.

“A star is born,” squealed the former senator, discussing DeLay’s performance Monday night. “I knew that under his ‘hammer’ persona, there was a bad boy, a naughty boy who could shake his booty like that.”
It was an understood fact within the D.C. circles of politics that under the strict codes of the Bush Administration, members of the Republican Party were not allowed to publically engage in “dancing”, or what might pass as dancing among old, white men. However, political analysts noted that the enforcement of this rule has softened since Karl Rove managed to terrify the audience at the Radio and Television Correspondent’s Dinner while showing off his moves in 2007, only to be completely shattered by Tom “Da Hammer” DeLay this fall.

Sen. Craig went on to discuss his career-ending arrest at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on June 11, 2007, the event he now describes as a “misunderstood practice session”.

“Tiled airport bathrooms are perfect for practicing tap when you’re not wearing your tap shoes,” explained Sen. Craig. “Had I the courage and pride to come out to the press and say ‘yes, I am a Republican, and I love to tap’, I’m very sure that I would have kept my job as a Senator.”

The former senator ended his press conference by asking voters to support Rep. DeLay by working the phones, encouraging other Republican politicians to join his movement to turn the Republican Party into a “Dance Party”, and announcing that he will be moving to New York City to audition for Off-Broadway productions while working part time jobs around the city’s public toilets.