GLENDALE, AZ—ESPN commentator and NU Alum Brent Musburger declared late Monday that the Auburn Tigers have been awarded with all the world’s Tostitos-brand tortilla chips for winning the BCS Championship. Auburn, who clinched the victory with kicker Wes Byrum’s 19-yard field goal, now possesses several hundred thousand bags of Tostitos across the world.

At press time, the street price per ounce of Tostitos chips had shot up to $1,200, leading to a resurgence of the phrase “Worth its weight in cocaine.” Because all of the world’s Tostitos now officially belong to the Auburn football team, the only legal way to get them is to go directly through the team’s management. “It’s been great,” remarked Auburn head coach Gene Chizik, “Our budget now exceeds the GDP of 95% of the world’s nations. With these kinds of numbers, we’ll be able to offer potential athletes deals that they can’t refuse.”

In other news, a local soccer mom (name withheld) has made millions from black-market sales of the corn-based snack food. When interviewed by the Flipside, she said, “I want to thank Brent for this unexpected boon. I went to the mall the other day and bought literally every pair of shoes that they had. I also have plans to invest in oranges, sugar, and roses in preparation for next year’s bowl season.”

WASHINGTON—What started as a feud between 12-year-olds became something much more when Joe Hansen became the millionth person to join the Facebook group “One Million Against South Dakota”. When Hansen joined the group at 3:58 A.M. on October 30th, President Obama, who had been following the group closely since its start, promptly signed the executive order to revoke South Dakota’s statehood.

“As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South Dakota, the natural course of action is to renounce its 119-year history as a state,” said Obama in a statement later that day. The group, whose description was “i hate south dakota everyone there sucks especially chris”, was created by Timmy Griffith, a 7th-grader at Chamblee Middle School in Atlanta, Georgia.

“My cousin’s a total jerk. He said his state was better than my state and I was like nuh-uh and then he was like uh-huh so I made this Facebook group and it got a lot of people so I win,” said Timmy. He spoke to reporters in an interview conducted via Facebook Chat as part of a consciousness-raising campaign for his next project: the growing group “One Million Strong Against All Non-Facebook Forms of Communication.” If only 40 more people join, Griffith’s hopes will be realized, and Skyping, texting, phoning, and speaking face-to-face will all become illegal.

When asked what motivated this monumental act, Griffith said, “My cousin got the new iPhone. Douchebag.”