At press time, the street price per ounce of Tostitos chips had shot up to $1,200, leading to a resurgence of the phrase “Worth its weight in cocaine.” Because all of the world’s Tostitos now officially belong to the Auburn football team, the only legal way to get them is to go directly through the team’s management. “It’s been great,” remarked Auburn head coach Gene Chizik, “Our budget now exceeds the GDP of 95% of the world’s nations. With these kinds of numbers, we’ll be able to offer potential athletes deals that they can’t refuse.”

In other news, a local soccer mom (name withheld) has made millions from black-market sales of the corn-based snack food. When interviewed by the Flipside, she said, “I want to thank Brent for this unexpected boon. I went to the mall the other day and bought literally every pair of shoes that they had. I also have plans to invest in oranges, sugar, and roses in preparation for next year’s bowl season.”

“As president, it is my duty to serve the American people. If the people say they don’t like South Dakota, the natural course of action is to renounce its 119-year history as a state,” said Obama in a statement later that day. The group, whose description was “i hate south dakota everyone there sucks especially chris”, was created by Timmy Griffith, a 7th-grader at Chamblee Middle School in Atlanta, Georgia.

“My cousin’s a total jerk. He said his state was better than my state and I was like nuh-uh and then he was like uh-huh so I made this Facebook group and it got a lot of people so I win,” said Timmy. He spoke to reporters in an interview conducted via Facebook Chat as part of a consciousness-raising campaign for his next project: the growing group “One Million Strong Against All Non-Facebook Forms of Communication.” If only 40 more people join, Griffith’s hopes will be realized, and Skyping, texting, phoning, and speaking face-to-face will all become illegal.

When asked what motivated this monumental act, Griffith said, “My cousin got the new iPhone. Douchebag.”