LONDON – Legendary 1980’s rock outfit Spin̈al Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. “These other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thought…why not eleven?” explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar amp’s volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tap’s surprise expansion into wireless networks was a shrewd business maneuver. “While other companies are wading around in this low-end 4G market, Tap saw a huge gap higher up and took it,” said Gizmodo.com editor Martin Farrell. “No one else thought of it. These guys are constantly innovating and changing our world.”

When pressed for technical details, bassist Derek Smalls energized investors and stockholders by highlighting their “gig experience” and vowing to ensure 11G stays “faster and louder with more gigs.” The band has already prepared for rival carriers racing to catch up. “Even if they went up to 10 or whatever, where can you go from there? Nowhere. Exactly, see – it’s one more,” said Tufnel at a press conference. All 11G users will receive unlimited free downloads of Spin̈al Tap’s breakthrough album, “Smell the Glove.”

LOS ANGELES – In a recent Pew research poll, 73% of American citizens cite new TSA search regulations as invasive and unnecessary, but found an overwhelming 98% of males polled are “strongly in favor” of the pat down option, as long as the officer is female.

While we saw a strong trend at 85% of women feeling more comfortable with a member of their own sex conducting the search, almost all men responded with the same favor of women. “In fact, they weren’t just comfortable with it, men are almost universally insisting on female pat downs,” said Andrew Kohut, president of the Pew Research Center.

“I recognize the dire need for increased security, so I’ll do whatever it takes to protect our safety if it’s a girl,” said traveler Luke Spangler, before heading into the security line at LAX. “I can’t see – is she hot? Sorry, what were you asking?”

Despite the vast response from males, the study found the preference for women held true across the board, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. “It doesn’t matter who you are,” said Mr. Kohut, “nobody wants some dude touching their stuff; just…no.”

EVANSTON—Fed up with CAESAR’s tyrannical bullshit, Computer Science graduate student Andy “Brutus” Swanson vanquished the online academic portal in a carnal, adrenaline-driven massacre on Friday night.

“Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.”

He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush to beat the add-class deadline. Others seated nearby took notice when he emitted a string of obscenities after finding his section, but not being allowed to add because of a supposed class time overlap. Witnesses reported seeing him slowly unsheathing and consuming a can of Mountain Dew.

Shortly thereafter, Swanson proceeded to hack into the university’s servers to create a new student profile, “Brutus”, before systematically dismantling CAESAR’s powerful databases under the new alias. In in a desperate final plea,  CAESAR cautioned “Deleting this script cannot be undone. Do you wish to proceed? Y/N.” Sources witnessed Swanson inhale deeply and place a thumbs-up high in the air, pause, and then slowly lower his thumb down to hit the “Y” key.

Swanson’s final step was to delete his “Brutus” login name, prompting CAESAR to ask, “And you, Brutus? Yes, No, Cancel.” Sources report that Swanson cackled as he clicked “Yes,” in unrepentant cold blood.

Having witnessed the carnage, a shocked library staffer erected a temporary memorial in front of the library, quickly scrawling “CAESAR is dead, please go to 633 Clark St. if you need assistance” on paper and taping it up. NUIT issued a bulk e-mail shortly after CAESAR’s termination informing students that it would be replaced the next day by their newly-constructed beta hub, the Online Computer Training And Virtual Information Assistance Navigator (OCTAVIAN).