When pressed for technical details, bassist Derek Smalls energized investors and stockholders by highlighting their “gig experience” and vowing to ensure 11G stays “faster and louder with more gigs.” The band has already prepared for rival carriers racing to catch up. “Even if they went up to 10 or whatever, where can you go from there? Nowhere. Exactly, see – it’s one more,” said Tufnel at a press conference. All 11G users will receive unlimited free downloads of Spin̈al Tap’s breakthrough album, “Smell the Glove.”

While we saw a strong trend at 85% of women feeling more comfortable with a member of their own sex conducting the search, almost all men responded with the same favor of women. “In fact, they weren’t just comfortable with it, men are almost universally insisting on female pat downs,” said Andrew Kohut, president of the Pew Research Center.

“I recognize the dire need for increased security, so I’ll do whatever it takes to protect our safety if it’s a girl,” said traveler Luke Spangler, before heading into the security line at LAX. “I can’t see – is she hot? Sorry, what were you asking?”

Despite the vast response from males, the study found the preference for women held true across the board, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. “It doesn’t matter who you are,” said Mr. Kohut, “nobody wants some dude touching their stuff; just…no.”

“Seriously, what the hell?” Swanson screamed at his web browser in the encounter leading up to the brutal slaying. “Yeah, sure, the class doesn’t exist even though I was just there this morning.”

He proceeded to fiddle around with settings, unchecking some boxes in an effort to make his class appear in his rush to beat the add-class deadline. Others seated nearby took notice when he emitted a string of obscenities after finding his section, but not being allowed to add because of a supposed class time overlap. Witnesses reported seeing him slowly unsheathing and consuming a can of Mountain Dew.

Shortly thereafter, Swanson proceeded to hack into the university’s servers to create a new student profile, “Brutus”, before systematically dismantling CAESAR’s powerful databases under the new alias. In in a desperate final plea,  CAESAR cautioned “Deleting this script cannot be undone. Do you wish to proceed? Y/N.” Sources witnessed Swanson inhale deeply and place a thumbs-up high in the air, pause, and then slowly lower his thumb down to hit the “Y” key.

Swanson’s final step was to delete his “Brutus” login name, prompting CAESAR to ask, “And you, Brutus? Yes, No, Cancel.” Sources report that Swanson cackled as he clicked “Yes,” in unrepentant cold blood.

Having witnessed the carnage, a shocked library staffer erected a temporary memorial in front of the library, quickly scrawling “CAESAR is dead, please go to 633 Clark St. if you need assistance” on paper and taping it up. NUIT issued a bulk e-mail shortly after CAESAR’s termination informing students that it would be replaced the next day by their newly-constructed beta hub, the Online Computer Training And Virtual Information Assistance Navigator (OCTAVIAN).

“He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the greats of popular music. His current fans will become superfans, and those who once found him annoying will respect him as having been ‘actually pretty talented.’ It’s simply the right thing to do.”

The move comes after a 2-year-long research initiative undertaken by Mayer’s publicity agency in New York, NY. The data released by Ken Sunshine Consultants, Inc. reveal that Mayer occupies an extremely unique window of time in his career during which his untimely death would benefit him immensely. “History really guided us during this research,” remarked project manager Lucas Spangler, “and we see it over and over. The career boost afforded to Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison and a handful of others who expired unexpectedly is unparalleled. He has given us a couple respectable albums, but still isn’t quite overexposed. John is at the perfect place in his career to be taken from us.”

The study also utilized advanced computer modeling to analyze the potential for musicians who lived past their prime. “While it is clear that Michael Jackson was still immensely popular at the time of his recent death,” continued Spangler, “Had he died right after the release of ‘Bad’ and before the weird stuff, his popularity would have been unprecedented. Also, Ringo would be much better off today had he been hit by a bus in 1970, but that’s fairly common knowledge.”

Mayer’s management team has already begun putting together his farewell tour for the coming season, with expected sold-out crowds across 30 performances. “I’m going to miss my fans, but this sudden death will secure my music and popularity for generations to come. I know it’s all for the best,” remarked Mayer in a press release. After his death, the value of souvenirs from the tour will skyrocket, and rock magazines will finally have a fresh figure to feed off of every week for the next 60 years.

Though it is not known precisely when or how Mayer will be killed off, the research panel recommended that it happen no later than age 33. “At 33 he’s still young and tolerated, but once he’s technically in his mid-30′s, he won’t be as cool.” Added Spangler, “Soon. Don’t worry.”

The Nobel Prize winner currently divides his time between leading his Alliance for Climate Protection, and adding work history to his Facebook profile and fan page just to look, but not saving it.

Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of the alleged operation zone.

Further details broken exclusively by Norris included the complicit actions of the United States Postal Service in secretly delivering mail between Iowa and Iraq, where she believes Al Qaeda is sending terrorists from. Grandma Terese then elaborated as if someone had asked her to. “They use couriers that come in to Fairfield [Municipal Airport] in small planes, and there’s Post Office people who’s in on it too,” she said knowingly. “That’s how they keep us from keeping track of their mail.”

“Her depth of knowledge is quite astounding,” remarked grandson Brad Norris in an interview, “especially considering she literally only watches Fox News. She’s unaware Iraq actually has nothing to do with the attacks of 9/11. Facts don’t sway my Grandma.”

Sources later confirmed that Fox News was indeed the only thing on the T.V. for the entirety of Christmas Day, and even remained on while the Norris family enjoyed lunch and dinner.

“She really is a great, lucid woman, but she’s spent a lifetime away from civilization, so I can’t really blame her,” continued Brad, growing noticeably sober, “for neutralizing all of my votes.”

New data shows that Brad’s drive back home to Evanston, IL after Christmas contained 78% more ennui than the carefree drive to Iowa.

The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential value of the mass produced toys as the justification for the frenzy.

In a recent exclusive interview, the new mogul offered a glimpse into the astute business management that landed her the deal. “Don’t touch the tag. If you touch the tag, you’re going to ruin it. Snort [the bull] is going to be worth twice as much some day. That’s what I always told my grandkids.” Smith’s discipline paid off.

She recently began hosting a new show on MSNBC to reach out and guide her new followers. “The window on the Beanie market is closing, but I see the Pokemon segment growing more bullish every day. Snorlax is strong, Squirtle is stale, but Charmander is white-hot. Sell sell sell! We’re all in Pokemon Stadium, you’re Ash, and the opportunities are flying around – you gotta catch ‘em all.” Financial experts are praising the 83-year-old widow’s razor-sharp predictions, and expect her sound advice to lead the U.S. economy back to stable ground.

“When you’ve spent years creating a clusterfuck economy through reckless lending,” waxed Wells Fargo trader Steven Terin, “sometimes all you need is grandma’s good ol’ common-sense advice to fix it.”

“Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed for years, and they can’t even get the school together.”

Added Newberg, “No excuse.”

Though the future Maroons live in mortal fear of the thrashing to be handed down, some Northwestern players understand their reluctance. “I’d feel bad if we shamed them handily every week,” remarked catcher Andrew Smith “the UChicago guys would never get the grass stains out of their dresses.”

At press time, the future UChicago men’s team is likely preparing for the sting of endless unsuccessful courtships.