LOS ANGELES—In a press conference Tuesday, the management team for 32-year-old American musician John Mayer unveiled the next step in building his popularity.

“He must die,” manager Michael McDonald told the gathering. “With John’s untimely death in the coming year, we’re confident that he will be cemented right up there with all the greats of popular music. His current fans will become superfans, and those who once found him annoying will respect him as having been ‘actually pretty talented.’ It’s simply the right thing to do.”

The move comes after a 2-year-long research initiative undertaken by Mayer’s publicity agency in New York, NY. The data released by Ken Sunshine Consultants, Inc. reveal that Mayer occupies an extremely unique window of time in his career during which his untimely death would benefit him immensely. “History really guided us during this research,” remarked project manager Lucas Spangler, “and we see it over and over. The career boost afforded to Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison and a handful of others who expired unexpectedly is unparalleled. He has given us a couple respectable albums, but still isn’t quite overexposed. John is at the perfect place in his career to be taken from us.”

The study also utilized advanced computer modeling to analyze the potential for musicians who lived past their prime. “While it is clear that Michael Jackson was still immensely popular at the time of his recent death,” continued Spangler, “Had he died right after the release of ‘Bad’ and before the weird stuff, his popularity would have been unprecedented. Also, Ringo would be much better off today had he been hit by a bus in 1970, but that’s fairly common knowledge.”

Mayer’s management team has already begun putting together his farewell tour for the coming season, with expected sold-out crowds across 30 performances. “I’m going to miss my fans, but this sudden death will secure my music and popularity for generations to come. I know it’s all for the best,” remarked Mayer in a press release. After his death, the value of souvenirs from the tour will skyrocket, and rock magazines will finally have a fresh figure to feed off of every week for the next 60 years.

Though it is not known precisely when or how Mayer will be killed off, the research panel recommended that it happen no later than age 33. “At 33 he’s still young and tolerated, but once he’s technically in his mid-30′s, he won’t be as cool.” Added Spangler, “Soon. Don’t worry.”

NEW YORK—Former Vice President Al Gore hastily scratched in the word “Vice” before “President Al Gore” Monday, startled from a moment lost in thought as a staffer asked if he was done endorsing a non-binding U.N. resolution. Internal sources report his “Vice” has grown increasingly haphazardly-placed in relation to the rest of his title and is always written last, often in lowercase.

The Nobel Prize winner currently divides his time between leading his Alliance for Climate Protection, and adding work history to his Facebook profile and fan page just to look, but not saving it.

TOPEKA, KS – Tammi Daniels, Kansas native and breathing contradiction, purchased a Diet Rockstar energy drink on Thursday. Sources close to Ms. Daniels confirm the beverage’s branding suits her extreme life of excess to which no rules apply except for watching her figure. Daniels, an active Republican, further added a kiss of irony to her day by consuming the drink while discussing tax breaks for small businesses after having purchased it at Wal-Mart, a leader in crushing local family-owned enterprises.

CORRECTIONS: In last week’s piece on the recent high-energy particle tests conducted by University of Chicago scientists, the requisite slew of juvenile rival-school trash-talk was left out. The Northwesten Flipside regrets this omission.

FAIRFIELD, IA—Despite her lack of travel experience outside the tri-state area and her inability to remember the word “Muslim” unless prompted, 78-year-old Iowan Terese Norris has risen to become an authority on the inner-workings of the terrorist network Al-Qaeda.  Norris’s counter-insurgency expertise was highlighted when she detailed the terrorist’s day-to-day logistical operations to her family as they sat around the Christmas table.

Norris also notified family members that their small town of Fairfield was quietly nested in the middle of the alleged operation zone.

Further details broken exclusively by Norris included the complicit actions of the United States Postal Service in secretly delivering mail between Iowa and Iraq, where she believes Al Qaeda is sending terrorists from. Grandma Terese then elaborated as if someone had asked her to. “They use couriers that come in to Fairfield [Municipal Airport] in small planes, and there’s Post Office people who’s in on it too,” she said knowingly. “That’s how they keep us from keeping track of their mail.”

“Her depth of knowledge is quite astounding,” remarked grandson Brad Norris in an interview, “especially considering she literally only watches Fox News. She’s unaware Iraq actually has nothing to do with the attacks of 9/11. Facts don’t sway my Grandma.”

Sources later confirmed that Fox News was indeed the only thing on the T.V. for the entirety of Christmas Day, and even remained on while the Norris family enjoyed lunch and dinner.

“She really is a great, lucid woman, but she’s spent a lifetime away from civilization, so I can’t really blame her,” continued Brad, growing noticeably sober, “for neutralizing all of my votes.”

New data shows that Brad’s drive back home to Evanston, IL after Christmas contained 78% more ennui than the carefree drive to Iowa.

WILMETTE, IL—Area grandma Gertrude Smith catapulted herself to untold riches last week after closing on her 12-year financial plan, which involved investing in Ty Beanie Babies. The sale of her 270 beloved sacks of beads, worth almost nothing, inexplicably raised her net worth to an estimated $1.8 Billion.

The plush animals, a fad from 1997, were snatched up by rabid consumers and hoarded as rare collector’s items, despite having been as readily available as water. Many cited the future potential value of the mass produced toys as the justification for the frenzy.

In a recent exclusive interview, the new mogul offered a glimpse into the astute business management that landed her the deal. “Don’t touch the tag. If you touch the tag, you’re going to ruin it. Snort [the bull] is going to be worth twice as much some day. That’s what I always told my grandkids.” Smith’s discipline paid off.

She recently began hosting a new show on MSNBC to reach out and guide her new followers. “The window on the Beanie market is closing, but I see the Pokemon segment growing more bullish every day. Snorlax is strong, Squirtle is stale, but Charmander is white-hot. Sell sell sell! We’re all in Pokemon Stadium, you’re Ash, and the opportunities are flying around – you gotta catch ‘em all.” Financial experts are praising the 83-year-old widow’s razor-sharp predictions, and expect her sound advice to lead the U.S. economy back to stable ground.

“When you’ve spent years creating a clusterfuck economy through reckless lending,” waxed Wells Fargo trader Steven Terin, “sometimes all you need is grandma’s good ol’ common-sense advice to fix it.”

EVANSTON—In a showing of the sissy reputation sure to become widespread in 31 years when The University of Chicago is founded, the Maroons failed to show up to their baseball match-up against Northwestern on Monday night. It’s a pathetic 65th loss in a row for UChicago, and Northwestern captain William Newberg said he wasn’t surprised.

“Whether it’s a little rain, a minor injury, or simply not even existing until 1890, it’s always something with them. Our team has been formed for years, and they can’t even get the school together.”

Added Newberg, “No excuse.”

Though the future Maroons live in mortal fear of the thrashing to be handed down, some Northwestern players understand their reluctance. “I’d feel bad if we shamed them handily every week,” remarked catcher Andrew Smith “the UChicago guys would never get the grass stains out of their dresses.”

At press time, the future UChicago men’s team is likely preparing for the sting of endless unsuccessful courtships.