WASHINGTON—In response to the false hijacking alarm triggered by a cup of spilled coffee last week, the FAA issued a statement Monday mandating that pilots use sippy cups on all domestic and international flights.

“Drinking out of big-boy cups is a privilege, not a right,” commented FAA Administrator, Randy Babbitt. “When our pilots show they have grown up, they can have that privilege back.” Babbitt also announced today that the FAA would be issuing Mickey Mouse and Big Bird cups to airlines with the hope of getting a cup in every pilot’s hand by the end of the week.

Although the move has had widespread support on Capitol Hill, the move has unsurprisingly been met with stiff resistance by pilots and pilot advocacy groups. The National Union of Airline Pilots (NUAP) threatened to challenge the new regulation, stating, “If our pilots want to drink Juicy Juice while on the job, they should be able to do it like the grown-ups that they are.”

Babbitt also let slip that the FAA was planning to implement a new time-out policy next year for “naughty passengers, such as those made infamous on September 11th.”

WASHINGTON—In a series of events that still remains unclear, the United States military came forward Tuesday and announced that Santa and his sleigh had been shot down by anti-aircraft artillery on December 24th.

According to military sources, Santa entered a declared no-fly zone over Israeli airspace at 11:39 PM local time, at which time the Israeli Air Force dispatched two F-16s to intercept Santa. After multiple failed attempts at radio contact, the two aircraft were given the authorization to shoot down the sleigh.

Speaking in a press conference for the first time since the incident, Santa stated, “I am not sure who made the final decision to shoot me down, but I have had a standing appointment on Christmas Eve for the past two thousand years. I don’t care that they’re Jewish, you can be sure that somebody is going to end up on my permanent naughty list.”

After the incident, Santa was allowed to continue the night’s operations using a plane on loan from the Air Force; however, due to the time lost in the incident, Santa was forced to accelerate his schedule and made the decision to skip Iraq, saying “they probably won’t even notice.” Spokesmen from the North Pole say it will be some time until the repairs will be completed on Santa’s sleigh, but assured Flipside reporters that the work will be completed in time for next Christmas.

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