EVANSTON – Inspired by the popularity of Psychology 337, Human Sexuality, Northwestern has chosen to offer Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene as a new class taught by Professor J. Michael Bailey next fall. According to Bailey, he organized the class in order “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices that weren’t touched on in my Human Sexuality class. Specifically, uncommon sexual practices so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”

A wide array of topics, chosen by Bailey, will be addressed in the seminar. In an attempt to “ease students into talking about [the obscene] with a milder topic,” Bailey intends to introduce the class to the obscene with more family friendly material. “I haven’t finalized the syllabus yet, but I figure I’ll start out with something I’d consider tame, like viewings of porn/snuff flicks based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft.” Said Bailey, “I doubt anyone is going to be offended by a tentacled spider demon sodomizing the Pope with a crucifix while devouring an entire orphanage.”  

According to Bailey, later topics would include “sex toys that make a fucksaw look like something a four-year old built with Lincoln logs,” a “really, really, interesting trip to the zoo,” and there would be no final. Instead, students who complete the class without gouging out their eyes or being reduced to sitting alone in a dark room while rocking back and forth and muttering to themselves would be given an A.

As of press time, the class had already filled two waitlists.

EVANSTON—If you ask any member of the Evanston vampire community, you’ll find they have something that’s been bothering them: they are getting pretty goddamn tired of spending all their time at Burger King.

According to one such vampire, Count Wilhelm Von Terror, the Evanston undead scene lacks nearly all the amenities found in nearly all other cities. “Basically, you have two types of vampire hotspots around the world. There are your old vampire communities like Transylvania, where you spend most of your nights either drinking the blood of virgins or hiding from crowds of torch-bearing villagers crying, ‘Kill the monster!’ Then there are your ‘new’ vampire communities like Forks, Washington, where you spend your time falling in love with angsty high-schoolers and fighting werewolves,” said Von Terror. “But here in Evanston you don’t have any of that. The only thing open at night is Burger King.”

The most commonly-cited of the vampires’ complaints with Burger King is the establishment’s clientele. Accustomed to lavish European courts filled with seductive, intelligent maidens and strong, virtuous heroes, most vampires feel something akin to culture shock when they discover the vast majority of Burger King patrons are either mentally ill vagrants or college students so shitfaced they are willing to eat Burger King. “If I was going to find a bride of Dracula or Bella Swan, it wouldn’t be here,” said teenage vampire Francis Killmore. “Basically, my choices here are that old obese woman who sleeps out back by the dumpsters and a sorority girl so drunk she got kicked out for puking all over the cash register.”

Evanston officials could not be reached for comment as they had all already gone to bed.