On January 30^th, 2012, The Keg of Evanston closed following the revocation of its liquor license due to multiple violations of underage drinking. Northwestern University students came together in mourning the end of those crazy, drunken nights at the Keg.

Students were bound to be upset about the ruling, but no one anticipated the mass exodus from the university. Nearly one third of the student body has applied to transfer elsewhere rather than remain in a Keg-less Evanston. The top 3 schools students are applying to are Arizona State University, University of Chicago, and the University of Wisconsin at Madison.

“I came here for the academics, but I wanted to party, too,” Weinberg junior Jason Palmer said. “With the Keg gone, I’d rather go to a decent school where I can get wasted and get an OK degree.”

Surveys show that 98% of Northwestern students went to the Keg regularly, while over 80% of students chose Northwestern for the Keg after visiting the establishment as prospective students.

McCormick freshman, Michael Cho, stated, “With the Keg gone, UChicago is way better than Northwestern. I’m trying to get out of here quick!”

It’s a sad day when Northwestern students can say UChicago is more fun than NU. It’s no surprise a third of the study population is transferring. In other news, this will be my last article for the Northwestern Flipside. I’ll be transferring to the University of Alabama in a few days. Roll Tide Roll.

Rest in peace, Keg of Evanston, rest in peace.

EVANSTON – After much anticipation, a new historical documentary entitled “Sup, Brah” directed by esteemed archeologist Dr. Thelonious Unk finally hit theaters last night to the delight of viewers worldwide.

The documentary premiered at Cinemark Century Theaters. This was the first movie to be played there since the great nuclear conflict of 2086. An estimated 1.5 million people attended the premiere to further learn about the once-great civilization of the “Bros”.

The film began with footage from a historical investigation that spanned multiple states on the East Coast. It wasn’t until Dr. Unk started digging in Connecticut that he found evidence that the civilization of bros was more than a myth. Tens of hundreds of feet underground, Dr. Unk’s team found what is believed to be a lacrosse stick. His studies indicate that the totem was essential to everyday life, and may have even been worshipped at an altar.

With more digging, more evidence revealed itself. Over 3 thousand pairs of Sperry topsiders were found in a single digging site. Along with that, many empty and crushed cans of what is believed to be “Natural Light” beer was found. This is said to be the drink of choice amongst bros, and was probably chugged while praying to their ever-important lacrosse sticks.

A few manuscripts were found containing the vernacular used by bros, though they have yet to be completely translated by experts across the world. One phrase that has been deciphered is “slaying bitches,” which most likely meant indulging in the act of sexual intercourse with their fellow bros; evidence suggests that the society was entirely homosexual. The word “chill” has been the most difficult word to find the meaning of due to its constant repetition in every sentence deciphered thus far.

Although there is some evidence that bros lived amongst us many moons ago, many people are still skeptical that they ever existed. One man who watched the documentary, Ted Was, said, “There’s no way they ever existed. No one would have liked them. They would have been wiped out immediately.” Local fashionista Rudy Nills agrees, saying “No way they would have made it around looking like they did. They wore backwards hats all the time, and only wore button-up shirts, or two polos with both collars popped. Do they even make polos anymore?”

Whether they ever existed or not, bros have become the laughing stock of the 22^nd century, as they may have been over 100 years ago. In other news, Dr. Unk has claimed to have found remains he suspects belong to former Congressman Waka Flocka Flame.

EVANSTON – Evanston junkies were outraged yesterday when they found out Northwestern University’s beloved Rock is, in fact, just a rock.

A recent increase of recreational crack-cocaine users on the Northwestern University campus has stirred up some talk on campus. However with all the work, the cold settling in, and the football team unable to stop any team’s offence, their presence isn’t quite at the top of anyone’s worries list.

It turns out the drug users have been flocking to campus because of widely-distribute promotional materials mentioning the Rock. Local crack-fiend Doug Nealon stated, “Well, I heard about some crack rock out here on the Northwestern campus from my man Steve, who read about it on some website. I thought to myself, ‘Free crack?! Damn, I shoulda gone to college!’ So of course I got my crew together and we came through to check it out . . . but nah, that ain’t no crack rock, man . . .that ain’t no crack rock.”

Clearly devastated, Nealon and the rest of his posse abandoned the Rock, leaving to mill aimlessly around campus “doing hood-rat stuff.”

In other news, 43 Northwestern University students were mugged last night. No information on the muggings is available.