EVANSTON – Northwestern University prides itself on its nationally acclaimed theatre program. Widely recognized by students across the country, Northwestern theatre prepares young artists to cope with rejection, the typical outcome of real-life performance auditions. One hopeful freshman, Jeff Sachs, is actually convinced that I was aware of and had time to attend The Taming of the Shrew, a student-organized show he worked on.

Sachs, a dazed theatre major, clearly faltered in logic with that thought, failing to recognize that my attendance at his show would have been statistically impossible. This is a common mistake, it would appear.

First, consider the amount of time a college student works. Multiply that value by eight to determine the time a Northwestern student spends working. By this logic, the average NU student works 169 hours per week, or one hour more hour than the total amount of hours in one week. Next, multiply the number of performances in one quarter by two hours, the average length of a production. Given the amount of performances nightly, this time value overflows most standard calculators.

Some have sacrificed their grades in an attempt to attend all the performances. In addition, it has caused cast members from different shows to engage in intense competition. They lure audience members by whatever means necessary, even resorting to violent threats. One anonymous audience member voiced his concern: “I literally saw ten shows in one night because I have a lot of friends who are theatre majors. I thought I was being a good guy, supporting the performers and everything, but apparently I wasn’t. When I woke up the next morning, someone had spray painted ‘the cast of Eclipsed knows you weren’t there’ and ‘the theatre community will make you pay, jackass’ on my door. I really am scared for my life now.”

Jeff Sachs, you silly young artist, are you serious? If there were a million hours in a week, chances are good that I still would have been unable to attend The Taming of the Shrew. Sachs is simply “dream[ing] the impossible dream” like Don Quixote did in Man of La Mancha — for the few of you that had the chance to see the NU show.

EVANSTON – Phi Mu Alpha, Northwestern University’s premier fraternity, has recently decided to invest the majority of its funds on estrogen pills in order to attempt to fit in with their neighboring sorority sisters. Located at 626 Emerson Street, the house is situated in the middle of sorority row. Recently, the musical brothers discovered that their neighbors are, in fact, female. As a result of this shocking find, many of PMA’s residents have become overwhelmingly self-conscious and distraught because of their distinct physical builds.

President Matthew David Watras commented, “Many of the residents have been scared to leave the frat house. In fact, four of our brothers have been discovered hiding in a closet for the past week. I mean, what do you expect? We just don’t fit in here. But this is our home, and we can’t let it fall apart.”

Determined to keep the brothers’ morale and confidence afloat, Watras and other frat leaders realized that the pharmaceutical industry could save the group.

“These pills will give us the curves and figures that we’ve been longing for; but more importantly, they will help make us feel like we belong,” said Watras. “We tried padded bras at first, but the effects are disappointingly temporary.”

The PMA’s will eventually be taking a group trip to CVS in order to purchase their deserved and much-needed female hormones. As an ensemble, they plan on marching through the streets of Evanston, instruments in hand, playing Christina Aguilera’s “You are Beautiful” to signify their newfound pride and confidence. If the effects of the pills successfully manifest, the fraternity should no longer be agoraphobic. Yes, PMA might PMS because of their new investment. However, they will have finally found their place in sorority row.