EVANSTON—Scratched pathetically in the now-dry cement in the midst of the clusterfuck that is the Arch sidewalk intersection is a single inexplicable word: “Chapin.” These reporters were charmingly befuddled. However, casual confusion turned to total mystification as this enigma compounded.

What is a Chapin? After fruitless hours spent trying to maneuver through NUcat, we gave up and just Googled that shit. “Chapin Spray: The way to spray since 1884” was near the top, advertising some inexplicable compressed air spraying widget. No, that couldn’t be it. Famed country singer-songster Harry Foster Chapin, having departed from this world in 1981 seemed an unlikely author. Discouraged by this trail of red herrings, we turned finally to that lauded bastion of campus knowledge: North by Northwestern.

Chapin Hall, founded in 1901, is actually the oldest dorm on campus, allegedly housing seventy tragically insecure humanities majors. The oft-forgotten residential college system strikes back with a passive-aggressive scrawl, whispering: “Hey…um…hey, there are residential colleges other than Willard. They don’t even have a theme. Just sayin.”

What other gems has Northwestern been hiding from its students? What is SMQ? Socially Maladjusted Quadriplegics? What for instance, is PARC? Practically Allison Residential College?

How did these residential colleges get lost in the shadow of Willard and the Evans Scholars house? Are glorified golf caddies really more deserving than the potential thousands of anonymous bitter undergrads living among us, waiting, plotting? Who even knows?

When will their day come? The writing on the sidewalk warns: ‘Soon’.

An Open Letter to the Remaining Uninfected Northwestern Student Body:

We all knew this day would come, and finally it’s here. The zombie apocalypse is upon us, and for those that didn’t think to prepare in advance and complete the optional Essential NU online zombie training course, we have complied a brief guide to protect those brains you’re spending so much money to educate.

1. Preparation/Training: If you have time before the zombies reach your dorm, break through the barriers on your door, and gnaw through your unassailable pillow fort, then we recommend watching zombie films to better acquaint yourself with their habits, and the ins and outs of zombie survival. Learn from imitation. Don’t let Shaun of the Dead fool you: THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT ZOMBIES.
2. Supplies: While taking refuge from a zombie attack, it’s important to pack lots of food and beverages. But please remember, this is not a time to be healthy and eat your vegetables. Try not to taste delicious. Forget everything your parents told you about a balanced meal. Especially ‘brain food.’ Blacklist: blueberries, ginseng, fish…
3. Apparel: Do not wear anything too tight that might make you look like an appetizing sausage. Track pants and running shoes are definitely advised and can be purchased from the Norris Bookstore. Consider protective headgear, football helmets, turbans, pointy hats, Ed Hardy trucker caps, and anything else that might confuse or disorient the zombie.
4. Hiding places: Tech is probably you’re best choice; even a very determined band of zombies probably won’t find you in Tech. Unfortunately, this building requires a certain acquaintance with the layout (English majors: you’re fucked). Avoid athletic facilities. It turns out zombies take the term ‘meathead’ seriously.
5. Weaponry: Guns. Forget your intrinsic liberal aversion to firearms. Go get one of those heavy-duty bad-boys and embrace those Second Amendment rights you were born with. The Founding Fathers definitely saw this one coming, and now you can, too: the sniper rifles available for purchase at the Norris Bookstore now include free scopes (they’re purple!).

Okay kids, we’ve done the best that we can to familiarize you with the essentials of zombie survival. It’s up to you to keep the undead guessing as to whether we really do bleed purple.