by b4113rh4113r

sWeEtIeBABI444: Hey
radsportsdude69: hi
sWeEtIeBABI444: How’s it going?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: uhhh… I’m just chillinnnnn
radsportsdude69: hoo is this?
sWeEtIeBABI444: Katie, frm Math
radsportsdude69: Oh, hey
radsportsdude69: sup?
sWeEtIeBABI444: not much. I already asked you that
radsportsdude69 : oh yeah lol
sWeEtIeBABI444: Wat u up to tonight?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: lol I’m hanging out with some friends. we jst watched the ring lol
radsportsdude69: I kno, shes so hot. I dnt kno y she is talking to me
radsportsdude69: Sorry… wrong window
radsportsdude69:lol
radsportsdude69: u there?
radsportsdude69: I g2g
sWeEtIeBABI444: O sry I was just checking my buddy profile
radsportsdude69: oh lol
radsportsdude69: I don’t have to go nemore
sWeEtIeBABI444: r u going to the dance this Fridayyyy?
radsportsdude69: idk, u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: yeah, im goin wit Jooooey
radsportsdude69: oh. cool.
sWeEtIeBABI444: well I should go lylab!!!!
radsportsdude69: love ya too!
sWeEtIeBABI444 has signed off. Please try again later.

Translator’s notes:

Katie: Hello.
Lester: Hello to you.
Katie: How are you doing?
Lester: Nothing much is occurring in my life. How about yourself?¹
Katie: [politely] I am just relaxing. Thank you.²
Lester: To whom am I speaking?
Katie: I am Katie; I am in the same mathematics class as you.
Lester: Hello. [again]
Lester: What is going on in your life?
Katie: My life is relatively uneventful at the moment, though you already inquired similarly at an earlier point in our exchange.
Lester: I realize this now. How funny.
Katie: In what activities are you indulging tonight?
Lester: Very few activities. How about you?
Katie: [a guffaw of sorts] I am enjoying the company of friends. We watched the film, The Ring. [guffaw]³
Lester4: She is quite exquisite. I have no idea why she takes any interest in me.
Lester: My apologies! I have sent a message to the wrong person.⁴
Lester: [guffaw]
Lester: Are you still there?
Lester: Well, I must leave now.
Katie: Sorry, I was editing my Buddy Profile.⁵
Lester: [guffaw] I see!
Lester: Perhaps I shall stay for a moment longer.
Katie: Will you be attending this Friday’s ball?
Lester: [No one would dare invite me]. You?
Katie: Why yes, I am. I will be escorted by [Lester’s arch enemy] Joseph.
Lester: [Fuck]
Katie: I must be leaving now. [You will never have a chance with me]⁶
Lester: I love you very much
Katie never received Lester’s final message.

¹ One might note that here we see a discrepancy between the question and his response.
² The colon-parenthesis combination signifies happiness in American teen iconography.
³ It is often thought that Lester begins masturbating here, however some evidence indicates he may have started when Katie introduced herself (for more, see Second Base at the Movies: Seventh Graders in the 2000’s by Thomas Honsbergh).
⁴ Lester intended this message to be sent to his friend Charles. Their conversation has been lost, but some evidence survives indicating that Lester and Charles discussed the how unlikely it was that Katie would talk to them and how Katie’s breasts were “frickn awesome,” but she had “an ok asss.”
⁵ Buddy Profiles allowed young teens to publicize who they were dating that week.
⁶ LYLAB was a common acronym for Love You Like A Brother, but was commonly meant as a clever way for women to dismiss any sexual interest in a male acquaintance.

EVANSTON—Twelve girls were horrified last Thursday to discover that Lazarus, their “GBFF” (or “gay best friend forever”), was not only on BFF status with all of them but is also not even gay.  “That tramp is bisexual,” exclaimed girl #4. “I saw him hooking up with some chick at PIKEtoberfest… fucking skank.”

Lazarus is being accused of not only swearing BFF allegiance via text to each of these ladies, but also spoiling them to numerous Facebook wall posts and Evanston outings to gain their loyalty.  “We bought matching skinny jeans at Urban just last week!” wailed girl #8, who is still recovering from her loss. “We watched Glee together and snuggled, I’m obvi still his number one,” said girl #2, clearly still in denial.

Unfortunately for these twelve girls, shopping trips and false-sense-of-security-because-you’re-gay cuddle sessions will have to be put on hold until they find a new GBFF. “I guess I’ll have to go scourge South Campus and see if any sassy sistahs can take Lazarus’s place,” sighed girl #9. “It’s really a shame,” agreed girl #5, “GBFF’s are in such high demand here. I really thought Lazarus was ‘the one.’”

What does Lazarus have to say in defense of his actions?

“I’m a free bitch, baby.”

Fair enough.

EVANSTON—Almost a dozen Northwestern country music fans were in disarray this past Tuesday when they learned of Mayfest’s final performer, rapper Rhymefest. Cramped into a booth at a nearby diner, the handful of fans nursed their disappointment with cheap whiskey: for the 38^th time, their favorite performers were snubbed. Said Cletus Owens, a Junior transfer from Arkansas Agriculture and Whining, “I thought for sure we could pull off Rascal Flatts, maybe even Hank Williams Jr.. But Rhymefest? He ain’t country.”

The group has campaigned for nearly forty years to bring a country music artist to Northwestern’s campus. However, Mayfest has continually shut them down citing, “very few hicks at Northwestern” and a desire to invite bands, “that anyone outside of the NASCAR contingency has heard of.” The Country Music Fans association made waves last week, when they fired shotguns skyward, misinterpreting Country Grammar to be an epithet against their culture. They have since apologized, issuing the statement: “Nelly ain’t a common name where we are from.”

For months, Mayfest has adamantly insisted that a country music act would be a poor choice. Michael Gebhardt, a Co-Chair for Mayfest, told us that the group tried to take Northwestern’s demographics into account. “That’s why we got Nelly. He really represents the Northwestern community. It’s about struggles.” He then added, “And with Regina, we have no room to add another immensely unpopular act.”

CULPEPPER, VA—Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools.

“My daughter is only thirteen,” explained Jane Brown, a local church secretary. “She is far too young to know what a ‘vagina’ is, let alone that babies come out of there. And to say that a man could ‘get in there?’ Awful! If my daughter reads this, she will surely lose her chastity.”

Anne Frank’s novel has also come under fire for its apparent “lack of quality.” Conservative lobbyists have criticized Frank’s work for a lack of character development and plot structure. Citing slow rising action and shallow characters, a spokeswoman for Christian Mothers for Quality argued that the novel scarcely stands up next to classics like the Bible or the Left Behind series. The story has also been criticized as “too unrealistic.” Said the CMQ spokeswoman, “It would be a much more powerful text if readers could believe a girl would actually hide in an attic because of some fantasized ‘Nazi’ party and a completely fabricated racial purification movement.”

School officials responded to pressure, and immediately removed the illicit texts from library shelves. Explained one assistant principal, “If the book had more redeeming qualities, I might have let it slide. But it’s all smut. Did you know she’s a lesbian?” Administrators have offered a censored alternative. In the new version, all sexuality is wisely replaced with Christian values. Anticipating possible uproar over violent content, editors also removed the Holocaust from the text. Said the editor, “We want the book to retain its purpose, not to be clouded by pornography.”

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco.

To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last will and testament. The eighty-six cent burrito will contain sour milk (dubbed “Sour Cream*” by the company), “lettuce,” a gordita, American cheese, salmonella, and pieces of the founder, Glen Bell.

“We are excited,” stated Tricon CEO, Tomas Billingsberg. “This is some of the best meat we have served in years.” The special burritos are being advertised under a slogan that reads: “Why eat a dog who did nothing for society, when you can eat the man who brought you Taco Bell?” Market researchers have already declared that the product tests incredibly well with the company’s focus groups, especially drunk college kids, stoners, and high-schoolers bored out of their minds.

Talk has circulated that his blood will go to flavor special edition Frutista freezes, but Billingsberg would neither confirm nor deny the validity of the speculation.