EVANSTON – Almost a dozen Northwestern country music fans were in disarray this past Tuesday when they learned of Mayfest’s final performer, rapper Rhymefest. Cramped into a booth at a nearby diner, the handful of fans nursed their disappointment with cheap whiskey: for the 38^th time, their favorite performers were snubbed. Said Cletus Owens, a Junior transfer from Arkansas Agriculture and Whining, “I thought for sure we could pull off Rascal Flatts, maybe even Hank Williams Jr.. But Rhymefest? He ain’t country.”

The group has campaigned for nearly forty years to bring a country music artist to Northwestern’s campus. However, Mayfest has continually shut them down citing, “very few hicks at Northwestern” and a desire to invite bands, “that anyone outside of the NASCAR contingency has heard of.” The Country Music Fans association made waves last week, when they fired shotguns skyward, misinterpreting Country Grammar to be an epithet against their culture. They have since apologized, issuing the statement: “Nelly ain’t a common name where we are from.”

For months, Mayfest has adamantly insisted that a country music act would be a poor choice. Michael Gebhardt, a Co-Chair for Mayfest, told us that the group tried to take Northwestern’s demographics into account. “That’s why we got Nelly. He really represents the Northwestern community. It’s about struggles.” He then added, “And with Regina, we have no room to add another immensely unpopular act.”

CULPEPPER COUNTY, VA – Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools.

“My daughter is only thirteen,” explained Jane Brown, a local church secretary. “She is far too young to know what a ‘vagina’ is, let alone that babies come out of there. And to say that a man could ‘get in there?’ Awful! If my daughter reads this, she will surely lose her chastity.”

Anne Frank’s novel has also come under fire for its apparent “lack of quality.” Conservative lobbyists have criticized Frank’s work for a lack of character development and plot structure. Citing slow rising action and shallow characters, a spokeswoman for Christian Mothers for Quality argued that the novel scarcely stands up next to classics like the Bible or the Left Behind series. The story has also been criticized as “too unrealistic.” Said the CMQ spokeswoman, “It would be a much more powerful text if readers could believe a girl would actually hide in an attic because of some fantasized ‘Nazi’ party and a completely fabricated racial purification movement.”

School officials responded to pressure, and immediately removed the illicit texts from library shelves. Explained one assistant principal, “If the book had more redeeming qualities, I might have let it slide. But it’s all smut. Did you know she’s a lesbian?” Administrators have offered a censored alternative. In the new version, all sexuality is wisely replaced with Christian values. Anticipating possible uproar over violent content, editors also removed the Holocaust from the text. Said the editor, “We want the book to retain its purpose, not to be clouded by pornography.”

SAN BERNARDINO, CA–The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco.

To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last will and testament. The eighty-six cent burrito will contain sour milk (dubbed “Sour Cream*” by the company), “lettuce,” a gordita, American cheese, salmonella, and pieces of the founder, Glen Bell.

“We are excited,” stated Tricon CEO, Tomas Billingsberg. “This is some of the best meat we have served in years.” The special burritos are being advertised under a slogan that reads: “Why eat a dog who did nothing for society, when you can eat the man who brought you Taco Bell?” Market researchers have already declared that the product tests incredibly well with the company’s focus groups, especially drunk college kids, stoners, and high-schoolers bored out of their minds.

Talk has circulated that his blood will go to flavor special edition Frutista freezes, but Billingsberg would neither confirm nor deny the validity of the speculation.

JERSEY SHORE – Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.”

Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro agreed to play the role of Machamp in Pokemon on Ice! Furthermore, Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio is reportedly slated to play the role of Goku in the Off-Broadway rendition of Dragonball Guido. Meanwhile, in an effort to give back to the community, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has teamed with Home Depot to give home supplies to the impoverished in a program dubbed “Tools from Tools.”

Sources tell the Flipside that the increased presence of cast-members outside their breakout show has boosted ratings immensely. MTV responded in a statement that their producers are ecstatic about the increased popularity, as well as their recent potty-training.

Snooki, however, has not reacted so pleasantly. “When I heard the phone quack, I just knew it was bad news,” stated Snooki. The guidette’s fake tan ran as tears dripped down her face. “Why do they, like, get to do everything when I am so hot?” she continued. “It’s like a punch in the face.”

CHICAGO – This week, Sesame Street, which brought America wonderful things like “The Letter W” and “The Number 9,” is over the hill. The beloved television program planned to celebrate its 40th birthday with cake and parties until Sharon Kim began to questions its involvement with children.

“It’s just not right, a 40-year-old playing with children in dark alleyways,” stated the mother of three. Kim’s comments have drawn interest from parent organizations all over the country, and Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has called for a federal investigation.

The middle-aged program has been linked to disturbing involvement with millions of unsuspecting children. Some of the allegations against the show have been pretty alarming. It is purported that children were asked to “tickle Elmo,” a phrase that has repeatedly come up during debriefings. Authorities can only guess at its meaning.

Ernie, who stars in a segment of the show along with his life-partner Bert, was quoted as saying “[these children] make bath-time so much fun.” Said Kim: “Its ridiculous: children have been inside [Sesame Street’s] bedroom, with two men no less.”

In related news, Sesame Street’s treatment of its workers is being thrown under scrutiny as well after it became public that one of the show’s characters is living in a garbage can.

EVANSTON – Up-and-coming composer Johannes Brahms keeps pumping out the pop hits, but some of today’s hippest youths simply are not buying it. Despite the popularity of his breakout hit “Piano Concerto No. 1,” these so-called hipsters are avoiding Brahms at all costs.

“He’s just so commercial, you know?” said 19-year-old Bartholomew Hibbons. The youth, sporting straightened black mutton-chop sideburns, continued, “It’s just so predictable. Honestly, if I hear another A minor with a raised sixth and augmented ninth chord I think I shall gasp to high heavens.”

Hibbons’s comments are not unusual. Rather, they are part of a growing movement of “alternative” young people. These youngsters sport ill-fitting, tight trousers, ironically wear powdered wigs that haven’t been fashionable for over a century, and listen to Mozart instead of today’s popular Romantic music. Cried one lad, “I think it is time, by Jove, that the Opera houses stopped controlling what we listen to!”

This growing youth movement is similar to New England’s transcendentalists; however, these young men wear more black and act far more effeminate. With their signature “We-do-not-give-a-rat’s arse” attitude, it appears as though these lads will be around longer than Brahms’ career will.

So I keep hearing about this Northwestern Lakefill and how it’s so glorious. Yeah, it has a nice view of Chicago. And sure, it provides people a nice place to run for a total of three months during the school year.

But Lake-FILL? I think not. This supposed engineering marvel “filled in the lake” to “add more land to the Northwestern campus.” Ludicrous! The lake is barely full at all. In fact, there’s a whole shit-ton of water left in the lake. What’s the deal? I thought Schapiro ran Northwestern, not Mayor Daley.

I mean come on; does it look full to you? On top of all of this, what does it say about the McCormick School if they cannot complete the simple task of filling the lake? This is an undone job, and people need to know. It’s a lake, not an ocean. This is just another example of Northwestern’s inability to properly relegate her funds. I mean really, do we need another frickin’ blue-light telephone? I say it’s about time to fill up the lake for real!