JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.”

Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro agreed to play the role of Machamp in Pokemon on Ice! Furthermore, Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio is reportedly slated to play the role of Goku in the Off-Broadway rendition of Dragonball Guido. Meanwhile, in an effort to give back to the community, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has teamed with Home Depot to give home supplies to the impoverished in a program dubbed “Tools from Tools.”

Sources tell the Flipside that the increased presence of cast-members outside their breakout show has boosted ratings immensely. MTV responded in a statement that their producers are ecstatic about the increased popularity, as well as their recent potty-training.

Snooki, however, has not reacted so pleasantly. “When I heard the phone quack, I just knew it was bad news,” stated Snooki. The guidette’s fake tan ran as tears dripped down her face. “Why do they, like, get to do everything when I am so hot?” she continued. “It’s like a punch in the face.”

CHICAGO—This week, Sesame Street, which brought America wonderful things like “The Letter W” and “The Number 9,” is over the hill. The beloved television program planned to celebrate its 40th birthday with cake and parties until Sharon Kim began to questions its involvement with children.

“It’s just not right, a 40-year-old playing with children in dark alleyways,” stated the mother of three. Kim’s comments have drawn interest from parent organizations all over the country, and Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has called for a federal investigation.

The middle-aged program has been linked to disturbing involvement with millions of unsuspecting children. Some of the allegations against the show have been pretty alarming. It is purported that children were asked to “tickle Elmo,” a phrase that has repeatedly come up during debriefings. Authorities can only guess at its meaning.

Ernie, who stars in a segment of the show along with his life-partner Bert, was quoted as saying “[these children] make bath-time so much fun.” Said Kim: “It’s ridiculous: children have been inside [Sesame Street’s] bedroom, with two men no less.”

In related news, Sesame Street’s treatment of its workers is being thrown under scrutiny as well after it became public that one of the show’s characters is living in a garbage can.

EVANSTON—Up-and-coming composer Johannes Brahms keeps pumping out the pop hits, but some of today’s hippest youths simply are not buying it. Despite the popularity of his breakout hit “Piano Concerto No. 1,” these so-called hipsters are avoiding Brahms at all costs.

“He’s just so commercial, you know?” said 19-year-old Bartholomew Hibbons. The youth, sporting straightened black mutton-chop sideburns, continued, “It’s just so predictable. Honestly, if I hear another A minor with a raised sixth and augmented ninth chord I think I shall gasp to high heavens.”

Hibbons’s comments are not unusual. Rather, they are part of a growing movement of “alternative” young people. These youngsters sport ill-fitting, tight trousers, ironically wear powdered wigs that haven’t been fashionable for over a century, and listen to Mozart instead of today’s popular Romantic music. Cried one lad, “I think it is time, by Jove, that the Opera houses stopped controlling what we listen to!”

This growing youth movement is similar to New England’s transcendentalists; however, these young men wear more black and act far more effeminate. With their signature “We-do-not-give-a-rat’s arse” attitude, it appears as though these lads will be around longer than Brahms’s career will.

So I keep hearing about this Northwestern Lakefill and how it’s so glorious. Yeah, it has a nice view of Chicago. And sure, it provides people a nice place to run for a total of three months during the school year.

But Lake-FILL? I think not. This supposed engineering marvel “filled in the lake” to “add more land to the Northwestern campus.” Ludicrous! The lake is barely full at all. In fact, there’s a whole shit-ton of water left in the lake. What’s the deal? I thought Schapiro ran Northwestern, not Mayor Daley.

I mean come on; does it look full to you? On top of all of this, what does it say about the McCormick School if they cannot complete the simple task of filling the lake? This is an undone job, and people need to know. It’s a lake, not an ocean. This is just another example of Northwestern’s inability to properly relegate her funds. I mean really, do we need another frickin’ blue-light telephone? I say it’s about time to fill up the lake for real!

HOLLYWOOD—Lionsgate Entertainment announced Tuesday that filmmaker Tyler Perry has plans to create a picture about African-Americans. The movie is to be released in theaters on October 23rd, but most critics are surprised that it managed to break free of the “straight-to-DVD” branding of most “stupid” movies.

“This is a huge step forward in filmmaking,” said Cornelius Jones, a Lionsgate executive. “Never before has there been a film geared mostly towards an ethnic audience about a single ethnic group. [Perry] is really stepping out of his comfort zone with this endeavor.”

Perry’s last picture grossed an astounding $40 million dollars, so the release of Madea Does Some Moderately Funny Shit may shape up to be not only a groundbreaking film, but also one that somehow actually makes a ton of money. The posthumous appearance of both Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes (making a cameo as Chef) should also boost sales. Furthermore, Oprah Winfrey endorsed the film as, “Practically as good as Roots, except without Willis from Different Strokes.” This kind of endorsement, judging by the success of A Million Little Pieces, could skyrocket Perry to super stardom.

Reportedly, UPN offered to buy the rights to a sitcom spin-off, starring one of the twins from Sister, Sister, Steve Harvey, and the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish. Says Maya Angelou, “At this rate, we could have a black President of the United States.”