“I was really confused at first, but when she started swinging the axe at me, I knew something was up.”
In lieu of her inability to really understand science, Owens has decided to show she cares by retweeting snippets about important scientific advancements and discoveries from the recently created Rouge NASA.
Over the weekend non-area student Alex Jackson visited Northwestern’s campus. Sources indicate he was somewhat impressed.
Patterson, who hadn’t been seen in person since September, emerged from Elder on Monday morning, looking terribly sleep deprived but ready to attend classes and talk to other people.
Since Monday evening, 30% of Wilson’s Gen Chem students have dropped chem, declaring majors in the humanities.
“I thought Cassidy was really cool at first, but then she cornered me in the lounge, yelling about how I missed some Saturday night info session about using the CTA.”
Sources report that this revelation occurred when he saw Donald Trump insult veterans, Muslims, Republicans, and fucking babies in just the past week.
“Kids these days are all on their phones doing the texting and tweeting I believe they call it,” Clinton told Flipside reporters.
“As I was telling the doctor my symptoms, she was quickly typing them into her iPhone, and when I finished, she immediately told me I had cancer.”
“I’m not entirely sure, but “white Vans” sounds like a drug reference, and I’m worried that this Daniel is addicted to meth or heroin, which really would be damning.”