EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts.

Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications.

“Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how kill an adversarial wizard with an Unforgivable Curse without opening my mouth? Yes. I know Hogwarts is the school for me. I just have to apply,” said Dinkelberg.

Myrna Dinkelberg, Ernie’s mother, said that she is concerned about Ernie, but hopes he soon finds what he’s looking for.

“I’d rather have him in that Hogfarts place than in my basement, you know what I mean?” said Mrs. Dinkelberg. “I just want that loser out of my house.”

Ernie Dinkelberg has taken to waiting by his mailbox for 18-hour periods seven days a week, periodically opening the mail slot and peering inside.

“He needs to get a job,” said Mrs. Dinkelberg.

“The dude’s insane, man,” said Brett Miller, a neighbor of Dinkelberg. “Sometimes, just to screw with him, I’ll, like, leaves sticks and rocks in his mailbox and watch him freak!”

“It’s just like messing with my guinea pig, except way more awesome,” Miller added, while slowly rolling the “most epic fatty this side of the Mississippi,” officials confirmed.

“I just don’t understand,” said Dinkelberg, absently stroking the neck of his battered copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “The Ministry of Magic has left several wands and sorcerer’s stones in my mailbox, obviously trying to hint they want me at their educational establishment. I just wish they’d be more specific about the application procedure.”

Dinkelberg said he understands that Hogwarts isn’t for everyone, and is determined to show his persistence and dedication to the school by continuing his search for an application.

“The kid is an idiot,” Mrs Dinkelberg noted, after downing her 7th shot of whiskey. “Why me? That’s what I’m curious about.”

Although he has yet to make any sort of progress whatsoever, Dinkelberg remains steadfast in his commitment to the school.

“People try to tell me that Hogwarts isn’t real,” said Dinkelberg. “But then I just tell them about Harry’s story. It’s an adventure so pure and mystifying—you can’t just make that stuff up, you know?”

LITTLE ROCK, AR—A month after his wife landed a position as a volunteer at the local Salvation Army, Bud Bixby worries that she is not spending enough time in the kitchen.

“I don’t know,” said Bixby, staring blankly around his empty kitchen. “There used to be so much food. Now, there’s just leftovers all the time. It’s almost as if Louanne doesn’t care anymore.”

Bixby has been married to his wife, Louanne, for 16 years, and this is the first year she has ever participated in an activity outside of the house.

“I just don’t know where her priorities lie anymore,” said Bixby. “This isn’t the woman I married.”

Louanne Bixby said she is happy working as a volunteer.

“It’s not like I don’t cook anymore. I made a damn meatloaf last week,” she said, folding a stained pair of pants and placing them gently on a rack. “Bud’s just gonna have to learn how to cook for himself.”

The boxes and boxes of Easy Mac and Pop Tarts strewn around the Bixbys’ front lawn are now causing concern around the neighborhood. Despite weekly trash pick-ups, the amount of discarded packaging from ready-made foods is unrelenting.

“God, the appetite of that man is incredible!” said Johnna Applebee, a concerned neighbor. “No wonder Louanne had to get away! Cooking for that behemoth was probably a full-time job!”

“I just get hungry,” said Bud Bixby, sitting on his couch, half-way through a box of pizza delivered 15 minutes earlier. “I thought Louanne understood that. Now, when I look into the kitchen, I don’t see love. I just see, well, mostly ants and stuff right now.”

When asked what he had done to remedy the lack of prepared food at his house, Bixby became confused.

“What? I don’t… OK, heres the thing: my wife is the food-cooker in the Bixby household. That’s the way it’s always been. I know my wife loves me when I see a steaming pot of chili waiting for me when I get back from the bar. But now that she’s doin’ God-knows-what down there at that army place, I just can’t be sure anymore if she feels the same way.”

“I hated being in that kitchen,” said Louanne Bixby. “Every time I made that bastard chili, I’d spit in it. I had so much anger built up. But now that I can leave that god-forsaken house, I finally feel like I’m doing something with my life.”

“I just don’t know what Louanne could possibly be doing with her life if she’s not in that kitchen,” said Bud Bixby. “I guess there are just some things I’ll never understand.”

Currently, Bixby is surviving off of Ramen Noodles and Asian take-out, and is still waiting for Louanne to “come to her senses” and “get back where she belongs.”