EVANSTON—Scratched pathetically in the now-dry cement in the midst of the clusterfuck that is the Arch sidewalk intersection is a single inexplicable word: “Chapin.” These reporters were charmingly befuddled. However, casual confusion turned to total mystification as this enigma compounded.

What is a Chapin? After fruitless hours spent trying to maneuver through NUcat, we gave up and just Googled that shit. “Chapin Spray: The way to spray since 1884” was near the top, advertising some inexplicable compressed air spraying widget. No, that couldn’t be it. Famed country singer-songster Harry Foster Chapin, having departed from this world in 1981 seemed an unlikely author. Discouraged by this trail of red herrings, we turned finally to that lauded bastion of campus knowledge: North by Northwestern.

Chapin Hall, founded in 1901, is actually the oldest dorm on campus, allegedly housing seventy tragically insecure humanities majors. The oft-forgotten residential college system strikes back with a passive-aggressive scrawl, whispering: “Hey…um…hey, there are residential colleges other than Willard. They don’t even have a theme. Just sayin.”

What other gems has Northwestern been hiding from its students? What is SMQ? Socially Maladjusted Quadriplegics? What for instance, is PARC? Practically Allison Residential College?

How did these residential colleges get lost in the shadow of Willard and the Evans Scholars house? Are glorified golf caddies really more deserving than the potential thousands of anonymous bitter undergrads living among us, waiting, plotting? Who even knows?

When will their day come? The writing on the sidewalk warns: ‘Soon’.