WASHINGTON—In yet another press conference, former Vice-President Dick Cheney reiterated his support for George W. Bush’s torture policies, comparing them to other unpopular legislation that was once heavily supported.

“President Bush’s stance on torture regarding Guantanamo Bay detainees is not unlike the Jim Crow Laws of the 19th and 20th centuries,” said Cheney to a room of 250 reporters from all around the world. “They both did a lot of good for a lot of people, and they’ve both received a bad rap ever since a black man or two started complaining.”

When asked if he would be in favor of reinstituting the Jim Crow Laws and torture of Guantanamo detainees, Cheney responded with the following:

“If we can go through the policy and conclude that it’s constitutional, we should do what we can to reinstitute old policies that are being tossed aside by the liberal majority. If we would just reconsider the idea of torture, we would realize that there’s nothing in the Constitution that explicitly forbids any kind of punishment just because it is cruel or unusual.”

Cheney’s next press conference, scheduled to be given this Thursday from Capitol Hill, will be on the importance of good cardiovascular health and reinstating the Compromise of 1850.

EVANSTON—If you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshenstein’s songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself.

“My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.”

Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an effort to gain infinite riches and world stardom by next Thursday at the absolute latest. So far, his page boasts 37 fans, only 35 of which were invited by Barry himself.

“People might think I’m all into myself by starting my own page,” commented Joshenstein, “but if I can’t just sit there and be unfamous and let the billions slip through my hands. The world deserves to know about me.”

Thoughts on Barry’s music range from “okay-ish?” to “please kill me now, this is horrible.” Barry’s girlfriend Cori Weinberg had this to say about his compositions: “I mean, they’re not that great, but music means a lot to Barry-Bear so I try to support him as much as I can. He promised I could be one of the VIP roadies on his world tour he’s going on next month. Like seriously, who would waste the opportunity to go to Reykjavik and Addis Ababa?”

Barry has released three songs on his page so far, titled “I See Me When I Look at You,” “What’s in it 4 Me?” and “Lotta Richez, Lotta Bitchez.” When asked which was his favorite, he simply responded, “They’re all better than the others.”

Only time will tell if Joshenstein can achieve all of his goals. However, one thing is clear. The only thing his Facebook does is make him look like a self-centered loser.