This article was written by an actual drunk man and left unedited for effect.

There are days in our lives when greatness is thrust upon us.  There are also days wehere we drink a shit ton of alcohol and have fun  Guess which one dillo day is?  Hint I uncle jose cuerva making a visit.  So today is chill and all with all the bands.  The new pornographers were surprisingly clothed.  I mean can you pronographize (the verb of pornography) with clothes on? I don’t care if you’re playing music follow your name.

So many people I;ve never heard of before.  Guess im not hipster enough.  PB and J sounds ike a sandwhich, but no my friend Tony was like these gusy are all the rage man you just don’t know whats up.  What’s up?  Probably airplanes and shit that hits me in the face like pigeon crap.  Chiddy Bang Really?  i mean i know names are hard to come by but chitty bang just call yourself alladin or beauty and the beast if youre gonna rip on disney.  Speaking of which Disney Pandora station = amazing with a caputal fuck yeah.  BOB was pretty good.  I think.  To be honest i was looking for my left shoe mot of the time so i wasn’t paying much attention to him.

Kill the nOise and NASA.  When the fuck did governmental space organizations tart making music, next thing you know the Housing of urban development gonna have a band be like dont fuck with us fools we the tops of charts!  But seriously ridiculous names.

Im going to go pass out now.  Hope you all enjoyed your dillo day, remember to spay and neuter your armadillo to prevent them from over running evanston.  We wouldnt want our grumpy evanston neighbors complaining about that too.

Peace,

Me

EVANSTON – The Northwestern University student body recently elected Austin Young as 2011-12 President of the Associated Student Government (ASG). Young ostensibly garnered many votes because of his chosen running mate, the popular Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town.

While Austin vocally supported policies including better communication between ASG members and the implementation of systems designed to make students’ voices heard, Ash ran on the platform of dissolving the Team Rocket fan club and allowing all students to select Pikachu as their starters.  Now that Ash has been elected to this office, he has made some more promises. “I want a Master Ball for every trainer and a Magikarp in every home,” Ketchum said in a press conference this Monday. Ash has also decided to make Professor Oak his Technologies Supervisor, a position he will create upon taking office.

Yet the new VP is already stirring up controversy. In the press conference, Ash made it abundantly clear that he refuses to work with any trainers who use Ghost-type Pokemon.  Earlier he stated “Guys, you know I’m all about diversity. I think all Pokemon were created equal as much as the next guy, but come on. Ghost Pokemon are just plain cheap.  You can’t use any physical attacks against them.  I just won’t stand for it any longer.”

When asked for his stance on the Living Wage campaign, Ash responded, “Living wage? Pokemon don’t need any money.  All they need is love, food, and shelter.  Sometimes only one of three.”

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.  The senators have all unanimously agreed that losing their primary source of coitus means that they have a right to find mistresses, instead.

Flipside was able to speak to Senator Hansel Brigmiester.  [The following has been translated into English]  ”If our women refuse to satisfy us in our quest to create the longest and least important governmental deadlock in history, then we have no choice but to turn to our mistresses.  We believe that our wives have crossed a line.  Clearly, the only reason we have wives is sex.  We couldn’t possibly give a care about the companionship, tax write offs, ability to start a family, or even just having someone to hold at night.”

As a result of the strike, women all across the world have discovered that they, too, can withhold sex from their spouses or boyfriends.  Beth Harper (class 2012) spole with the Flipside: “My boyfriend Mike wasn’t going to to see Burlesque with me, so I went on a sex strike.  He saw it with me the next day. Thanks, Ms. Temmerman; you’re an inspiration to us all.”

Ms. Temmerman has just announced that if the sex strike fails to force the Belgium senators out of deadlock, the women are prepared to stop making sandwiches for their husbands as well.

The Flipside thanks Kyle Ward for pointing out a grammatical error.

Winter’s Bone: 2/4 star-shaped pasties

Winter’s Bone tells the story of a teenage girl trying to find her daddy to save her house. Yeah, thats right, who’s your daddy, girl. Great start. Then some shit happens and a cop comes. This is where you expect it to start getting heavy, right? Nope! Instead of ripping off his uniform and taking her “downtown,” he just warns her that her dad needs to show up to court. 

Ok, so when’s the winter bone going to happen? 

She walks around the neighbors house and finds some fat old neighbors. Is this it? Nope, they just tell her to get off their lawn.

So now they’ve set it up all nice and good waiting for the titular bone. What comes next? She throws on two more sweaters; that’s three more than you really want her to be wearing.

Ok, so now comes the dangerous part where there’s four guys and her. They beat her around a little bit (not my style, but you know they have to appeal to everyone’s tastes) and tie her up. Then her uncle comes… and that’s where I drew the line. Bondage? OK. Incest? No way. The only type of incest I can handle is Incest-ption. That shit blew my mind, and some other organs as well.

Towards the end of this hour-and-a-half-long movie she finally starts taking some clothes off to fish some crap out of a lake. She even rolls her sleeves up, hot damn! She grabs a human hand or something… and the movie ends.

In my opinion, the filmmakers definitely focused too much on the “winter” and not enough on the “bone.” Still, should it win Best Picture? Does it have Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman making out? The answer is no.