BATAVIA, IL – Last Thursday, Fermilab researchers announced that after smashing a lot of things together moving really really fast, they finally discovered a new fundamental particle. Scientists have decided to call the particle a “brickon.”

“At first we didn’t know what to make of this particle,” said Fermilab scientist Carl Jacobs. “In the past, we have observed entities that look like larger, differently colored versions of brickons, but this is the first time we have truly observed the particle in its fundamental state.”

Brickons generally come in five colors, red, blue, yellow, white, and black, but have been seen more rarely in a much wider variety of shades, ranging from mahogany to transparent green.

The most common combination of brickons is when eight red brickons come together to form a structure known as a “red brick.” As it turns out, brickons can be useful in many other forms because of their unique properties, namely that they come together and break apart so easily.

Although we don’t realize it, brickons make up many things in the world around us. Photographic evidence exists that the Statue of Liberty, the Taj Mahal, The Eiffel Tower, and many other landmarks around the world are actually made of brickons. In cinema, most of the spaceships from the Star Wars saga as well as Hogwarts Castle from the Harry Potter series are all made of brickons. Some movie theaters are even made of brickons. Most shocking of all, evidence exists that people are actually made of brickons.

“None of us imagined how widespread the existence of the brickon is until we knew that it existed,” commented Jacobs. “Now that we know they exist, I wonder how tall a tower could be built with them…”

NEW YORK—The baseball season officially reached its end last Monday when the Giants won the World Series over the Rangers in five games.

Experts cite many factors supporting the outcome, such as the Giants’ deep pitching staff, their home-field advantage, and their timely hitting. However, one fan from Queens, NY uses a much simpler reason to explain why the Giants beat the Rangers: “Hockey sucks”.

“You agree, right? Hockey does suck compared to football,” continued New Yorker Marissa Miller. “Football players would take out hockey players in a fight every time.”

Although she was more than happy to accept the change in sports seasons, Miller was slightly confused by its abruptness. “Baseball sort of just faded out this year instead of ending with a bang. I couldn’t believe it was football/hockey season already.”

When asked if there was anything strange to her about the fact that two teams from different sports were playing each other, her only worry was that they had the same colors and were representing the same city. She was unsure of who to root for, so she used past experience to guide her.

“Like many New Yorkers, I knew this would happen,” claims Miller. “The Rangers have been making the Stanley Cup playoffs for years and haven’t gone anywhere. But the Giants are different. They won a Super Bowl a few years back, remember? After that, a World Series should be a piece of cake.”

EVANSTON—This past week’s poster sale at the Norris Center provided the university with a way to mask additional construction in the Wildcat Room. The cover-up was discovered when freshman Robert Zucker attempted to remove a poster from the display wall.

“I was just trying to get that Star Wars poster,” claims Zucker, “but when I did, there was an orange construction fence behind it.”

When Zucker revealed the construction fence, a Norris security team appeared out of nowhere and swarmed the area, removing the freshman and covering up the construction site once again. But this wasn’t the only sign of a hidden construction project.

“When I was looking at the movie posters,” said sophomore Louis Schmidt, “the guy next to me was putting down traffic cones. That seemed a little suspicious to me.”

“I definitely heard a jackhammer while I was in there,” adds freshman Jane Hunter, “and I’m pretty sure the check-out lady had a hard hat on the floor next to her. They’re definitely up to something.”

But what exactly this construction project? Although no construction workers were found to answer this question, Norris staffers were more than happy to offer their insight.

“We don’t know exactly what’s going on in there,” says an anonymous Norbucks employee. “It never seems to get anywhere, so we can’t really tell what it is. Right now, we think it’s just an attempt to fuck with students who want to use the meeting rooms.”

To some, however, the cover-up provided an inspiration. “It’s smart, really,” says Zucker. “I live in ISRC and have to look at the construction out my window every day. I might just cover my window with a poster, too.”