EVANSTON – Rifle sales across the country have risen as the trend of adorning one’s head with feathers has soared to new heights of popularity. Even though most girls sport only what grows from their scalp, being unique is no longer as easy as buying a fake feather from hairfeathers.com. In fact, many girls are now putting real feathers in their hair. To be viewed as true trendsetters, girls are setting down their purses, picking up their rifles, and heading into forests across America to hunt ducks, hummingbirds, jays, and other creatures of the sky.

Julie Conner, a fashion-forward sophomore in Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences, recently went on a hunting expedition with three of her best friends. According to Conner, “The rarer the bird, the more social cred you get.” Conner went on to explain how she plans to reach out to the Northwestern community. “We are organizing a trip for NU women to the Amazon Rainforest for the upcoming winter quarter. Students will have the opportunity to kill rare birds and to bond as a group over being unique.” Conner is hoping to come back from South America with a bag full of parrots, toucans and woodpeckers. She is still unsure as to how to get past TSA.

This unexpected rise in sport hunting has animal rights groups such as PETA in an uproar. PETA recently published an article titled, “What’s Next, Wearing Live Birds?” After glancing at this article, Conner admitted that even PETA can have good ideas. She is in the midst of creating a leash to attach a live pigeon to her ear.

Due to the rise in popularity of hunting rifles on campus, Conner plans to design a bulletproof vest for her pigeon as well.

EVANSTON – The relatively late start of fall quarter caused not only boredom, anxiety, and a head start on the Freshman Fifteen, but it also inspired incoming freshmen to let out their bottled emotions through the help of the “Northwestern University Class of 2015″ Facebook page. This led to seemingly bizarre and embarrassing posts that forced freshmen to worry about the sanity of their classmates. Worry not, Class of 2015! Here is an abridged translation guide that might clear up that confusion:

Post: I’M SO EXCITED FOR WILDCAT WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!
Translation: I’m about to shit in my pants with anxiety.

Post: I’m going to buy a bazooka and threaten the entire Undergraduate Housing Office.
Translation: I got put in Hobart House.

Post: I’ve wanted to be pre-med ever since I started breathing.
Translation: After taking orgo I will switch my major to linguistics and in four years will be unemployed with only a diploma and boxes upon boxes of purple swag to my name.

Post: Who else is in Bienen???!!!
Translation: In four years I will be living in the same cardboard box as the linguistics major.

Post: Today I ate a sandwich! With PURPLE jam! On a PURPLE plate! With PURPLE Fanta!
Translation: PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME. ANYBODY. I have had the sole companionship of my cat for the past month.

Post: SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! ERRRYBODY!!!!! No seriously, who lives in Bobb and is gonna get wasted with me?
Translation: I was brought up in a strict Mormon family and have never even had a glass of wine.

Post: I don’t really understand this rivalry with U. of Chicago. I mean we’re both great schools, we don’t even play them in football, why does this stupid competition exist?
Translation: I was hacked.

Post: Just so we can get to intimately know our 2000 classmates, what’s your favorite band?
Translation: I will be that kid who everybody meets for the very first time at graduation.