“It started with just small things that were actually trends like #SGP and #royalwedding. But then I thought, wait, my life is just as trendy as these tags, so I’m going to turn my life into the trends,” Kaplan said.

This Quad Delt’s recent tweets have included such masterpieces as:

“Spring formal was so fun! #openbar #GinAndTonicTastesLikJollyRanchersWhenImDrunk #BlackoutOnTopOfTheDJ #WakeUpNakedInAlphaSigmaSigma”

and

“Quad Delt philanthropy today! #BoItForTheBoobs #WeWillLiterallySaveBreastCancer #ItsMoreAboutUsThanTheEvent #LowCutAmericanApparelVNecks”

Rival Sorority Girl, Charlotte Kenilworth is mad at Kaplan’s screams for attention, which she ascribes to “daddy issues.”

“Gretchen tried to make ‘fetch’ happen. It failed. Kayla is trying to make her hashtags happen, and I’m afraid it will fail even more. I’m sorry, but “#AteSoMuchSaladThatIFeelLikeABunny will never be a trend on twitter.”

Still, Kaplan fights to make her hashtags “a thing.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to stay within the 140 character limit because my hashtags are just too good for twitter. Maybe I’ll invent ‘twatter’ – twitter for sorority girls, and we can explain all our #SGproblems and #SGsolutions with more space,” Kaplan said.

G + A (as they call themselves) spend the Saturday morning services taking trips to the bathroom to gossip and flirting with the boys from different schools across the room.

Between the service and the party, G + A are very busy making a “kissing web” that shows who everyone in the school has kissed. They are presenting it to their girlfriend Lauren tonight at her Bat Mitzvah party, which is New York-themed.

But the party is where G and A really show their social prowess. After spending an hour applying Stila make-up, the girls hit the party and flirt with the boys whose parents let them drink the Manischewitz wine.

After “The Cha Cha Slide” and “Cotton Eyed Joe” had finished playing, the DJ cranked up the Usher, and G + A were, like, totally grinding all up on each other while the other girls were at the photo booth.

After a fun night, G + A went home, but leaving the event was not too sad. Next week, the week after that, and the week after that they get to do it all again for Sara, Naomi, and Zach’s parties.

“We here at Unity and Peace (For All White, Straight Christians [excluding Catholics]) Church believe that it is just unconstitutional to have an Islamic president,” Jones said. “Besides, he’s not even an American citizen!”

Jones’ group plans to burn the President’s book, claiming that Obama had written the “secret Koran of America.”

Before entering the book burning, all participants must show their birth and baptism certificates.

“We don’t want any non-citizens at this event,” Jones said. “That would defeat the purpose.”

We asked some students at the University of Florida what they thought of Jones’ event happening so close to their school.

“Well, is Tim Tebow going?,” said Chaz Riche. “If so, then I’m so there.”

“Is there booze?” said Sally Farms. “If there is, I’ll show up, too.”

But the reactions around the world have been quite different. University professors, journalists, and other seemingly educated people continue to insist that the President is, in fact, both a citizen and a Christian.

Still, despite all the legitimate paperwork, Jones says he refuses to believe these “crackpot theories.”

“The content was exceptional, but there is no such person at Northwestern as ‘Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson,’” said a concerned Medill professor, after reading an article which he thought would profile a very successful student.

In a further, shocking investigation, it was uncovered that The Flipside has never quoted a real person. Every single quote is false.

The publication’s president is known to have told staff writers not to spend more than two minutes researching for an article, leading to many more errors other than spelling of names.

These errors cause readers to be misinformed, and sound either stupid, or hilarious in social situations.

“I was confused, because the party report on NUIntel didn’t say anything about poachers at ZooBT; maybe I left too early,” said sorority girl Alice Miller.

A Medill F is the most shameful designation a journalist can receive, so faculty thought that this mark on The Flipside’s reputation would change how they produce news. The publication, however, continues to put forth slanderous, outrageous, and completely false material.

The Flpiside, however, denies the allegations.

“If Dean Lavine can make up quotes, then why can’t we? I thought that was the standard now at Medill,” said Flipside PR rep Jenny Schmidt.

Northwestern University supposedly has one of the most prestigious journalism schools in the nation, so the administration found it quite appalling when discovering that a publication with so many errors could be printed. However, after pondering the fact that the campus also produces The Daily Northwestern, they dropped all charges.

The following article was not satire. It was completely factual. April Fool’s.

“I think people have common sense,” said Joana Smith, Medill freshman. “Text if you’re going to bring someone home.”

In college campuses across the country, “sexiling” has become an issue. Tufts University recently created a policy outlawing students from having sex while roommates are present in the room. The policy also prohibits students from having any sexual activity that would deprive a roommate of privacy, study, or sleep time.

Some Northwestern students, however, do not think such explicit rules are essential. In an informal poll, all but two students believed that the university should avoid outlining sex guidelines.

Jenny Kline, Communication freshman said she believes sex policies are not necessary.

“It is between the roommate and the other roommate’s agreement,” she said.

Kline said she thinks that “sexiling” is not that common of an issue. “People are smart about it,” she said.

Weinberg freshman John Schwarz agreed that the university does not need to make specific policies.

“I don’t think it’s necessary, but I think the university should make roommates make agreements,” the Tampa, Fla. student said.

Ben Nichols held similar views. The Communication sophomore said he thinks that it is not up to the university to create sex rules. He said that students should recognize that sex is going to happen no matter what, so people should be aware.

“You get privacy when you want it,” Nichols said. “Making a hard and fast rule about that thing creates more conflict among roommates.”

On the other hand, Amy Samberg, Communication freshman, said she believes quite the opposite about “sexiling.”

“It does happen a lot, and if there isn’t a rule you can’t really call your roommate out,” Samberg said.

Michael Schneider, Medill sophomore, held a more moderate view. He said he believes that it is not necessary for the university to have explicit “sexile” rules, but in some cases it might be helpful.

“In general, I’m sure it’s a pretty common issue,” said Schneider. “It’s probably induced anger more than once.”

This article is completely factual. It is not satirical. April Fool’s!

CNN, in a desperate effort to stay hip, tried to rally their followers with tweets like “sux 4 chile, donate now on our website” and “Chile is sooo the new Haiti.”

In spite of their efforts, the response has been lukewarm from evangelical Christians and bleeding-heart liberals alike.

“’NU Stands With Chile’ doesn’t really flow as well,” said Northwestern Haiti relief chair, Jacob Shmarts. “Plus, I heard the quake wasn’t even THAT bad, so it’s off our backs, right?”

The spirit that united the world when the earthquake hit Haiti has quickly dissolved, as has media coverage of the catastrophic event. Furthermore, recording artists spent all their creative energy on Haiti, so they have nothing to give to Chile.

“The re-recording of ‘We Are The World’ did a lot of great things for iTunes (and Haiti, too, I suppose), but now that Miley’s back on top, it will be hard for another philanthropic musical endeavor to be groundbreaking enough to show up on the charts.” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said.

Still, President Obama is inspiring Americans everywhere to think positively.

“My fellow Americans — I have been deeply moved by the compassion and drive I witnessed fueling the fundraising efforts a few short weeks ago when the quake hit Port-au-Prince. But, I am moved even deeper by your thoughts and prayers that go to Chile. I hope it means a lot to them.”

Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing to help others fertilize their crops,” said Smith’s wife, Marion. “He always shared his mystery white eggs with us.”

After creating quite an impressive farm, filled with several crops and livestock, Jansen grew tired and wanted to move onto bigger and better agricultural pursuits. After illegally watching the showtime program Weeds online, Jansen said he realized the only way to make the most money in Farmville and to finally beat all of the friends he met in chat rooms was to grow and sell drugs.

“It made perfect sense to me. Luckily, moments after I thought of the idea, Mafia Wars came on the news [feed] and I knew just what to do,” Jansen said, without remorse.

Zamboni, an avid player of Mafia Wars, was pleased to do business with Jansen. Although he would not comment, Jansen assured us that Zamboni loved the idea of the two great apps working together. “He kept sending me notifications to join his Mafia, so he must have known I could grow some pretty legit dope,” Jansen said.

Jansen remains happy despite this blemish on his previously-untarnished reputation. “All great stars need a scandal to really put them on the map,” he said. “I believe my drug operation shows my capacity as a farmer, and will only bring more blue ribbons to my farm.”

And what does the future hold for Jansen?

“When I get out of jail, I’m considering moving to Fishville,” he said. “Of course, I’ll still keep my farm, but I think fish are where the money is.”