Gabby and Ariel are, like, totally the hottest JAPs at school. They only wear Marc Jacobs, and they get invited to EVERY Bat Mitzvah.

G + A (as they call themselves) spend the Saturday morning services taking trips to the bathroom to gossip and flirting with the boys from different schools across the room.

Between the service and the party, G + A are very busy making a “kissing web” that shows who everyone in the school has kissed. They are presenting it to their girlfriend Lauren tonight at her Bat Mitzvah party, which is New York-themed.

But the party is where G and A really show their social prowess. After spending an hour applying Stila make-up, the girls hit the party and flirt with the boys whose parents let them drink the Manischewitz wine.

After “The Cha Cha Slide” and “Cotton Eyed Joe” had finished playing, the DJ cranked up the Usher, and G + A were, like, totally grinding all up on each other while the other girls were at the photo booth.

After a fun night, G + A went home, but leaving the event was not too sad. Next week, the week after that, and the week after that they get to do it all again for Sara, Naomi, and Zach’s parties.

GAINESVILLE, FL—Outraged that a “God-damned Muslim” controls his country, one Florida pastor decided to take matters into his own hands. Garry Jones is planning a nationwide burning of “The Audacity of Hope.”

“We here at Unity and Peace (For All White, Straight Christians [excluding Catholics]) Church believe that it is just unconstitutional to have an Islamic president,” Jones said. “Besides, he’s not even an American citizen!”

Jones’ group plans to burn the President’s book, claiming that Obama had written the “secret Koran of America.”

Before entering the book burning, all participants must show their birth and baptism certificates.

“We don’t want any non-citizens at this event,” Jones said. “That would defeat the purpose.”

We asked some students at the University of Florida what they thought of Jones’ event happening so close to their school.

“Well, is Tim Tebow going?,” said Chaz Riche. “If so, then I’m so there.”

“Is there booze?” said Sally Farms. “If there is, I’ll show up, too.”

But the reactions around the world have been quite different. University professors, journalists, and other seemingly educated people continue to insist that the President is, in fact, both a citizen and a Christian.

Still, despite all the legitimate paperwork, Jones says he refuses to believe these “crackpot theories.”

EVANSTON—After thorough fact-checking, Medill professors and administrators unanimously awarded The Flipside an “F” for its inordinate amount of factual errors.

“The content was exceptional, but there is no such person at Northwestern as ‘Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson,’” said a concerned Medill professor, after reading an article which he thought would profile a very successful student.

In a further, shocking investigation, it was uncovered that The Flipside has never quoted a real person. Every single quote is false.

The publication’s president is known to have told staff writers not to spend more than two minutes researching for an article, leading to many more errors other than spelling of names.

These errors cause readers to be misinformed, and sound either stupid, or hilarious in social situations.

“I was confused, because the party report on NUIntel didn’t say anything about poachers at ZooBT; maybe I left too early,” said sorority girl Alice Miller.

A Medill F is the most shameful designation a journalist can receive, so faculty thought that this mark on The Flipside’s reputation would change how they produce news. The publication, however, continues to put forth slanderous, outrageous, and completely false material.

The Flpiside, however, denies the allegations.

“If Dean Lavine can make up quotes, then why can’t we? I thought that was the standard now at Medill,” said Flipside PR rep Jenny Schmidt.

Northwestern University supposedly has one of the most prestigious journalism schools in the nation, so the administration found it quite appalling when discovering that a publication with so many errors could be printed. However, after pondering the fact that the campus also produces The Daily Northwestern, they dropped all charges.

The following article was not satire. It was completely factual. April Fool’s.