EVANSTON — After news broke of Kim Kardashian’s decision to divorce husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, picketers have overrun Northwestern’s sorority quad. Wishing to show their disapproval of the divorce, sorority girls are all coming together to attempt to form a coherent opinion about something in the news.

Sophomore Ashley Carroll of Kappa Gamma stated, “I just don’t think it’s fair that Kim is disappointing all her fans by getting a divorce. It just sets a bad example for those of us excited about marriage and true love.”

Other sorority sisters were seen making signs declaring, “DON’T GIVE UP ON LOVE KIMMY” and “YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T DO THIS IN SEASON 3, EPISODE 7” to inspire Kardashian to work things out with Humphries.

“I have watched all 47 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and I know that Kim would never marry someone just for money or publicity,” junior Marissa Jenkins of Tri-Sigma remarked. “Anyone who says otherwise is obviously not a real Kim fan.”

Chi Omega Delta senior Jenna Cahill stated in closing: “We would like to extend an invitation for all NU girls to join us for a Twilight movie marathon before the release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 on November 18^th. We think this is an irreplaceable opportunity to bond with other girls over a great example of what it means to really find true love.”

This article was purposefully left unedited.

“bout to get #whitegirlwasted”

“Wating in line for this bus omf it’s cold as shit y is it so cold uagg”

“I shouldn’t hav drank al that win lololololol”

“”maybe I should just put my camera up my vagina” @maria_fd9 hahaahhahah #kinkybitch”

“I know exactly 2 lupe and 2 m&k songs. Let’s hope they just play them the whole time”

“OMG ITS FUCKIN COLD LET US N LUPE”

“My nipples are going to be permanently hard wtf”

“Awww shit got a wristband #ballin”

“These bitches are playing girl talk #bestever”

“omg matt & kim are coming on plz play daylgith since I know it”

“ugh matt is adorbz”

“also, kim is a badass bitch”

“its kinda fucking sweaty in here”

“how am I so close to the stage btu I can’t see anything #shortgirlproblems”

“GOOD OL FASHIONED NIGHTMARE!!!!!!”

“what the FUCK is going on Kim just stood on my hand like her foot was in my hand omg is this real life?!!?!”

“no but srsly that was awesome”

“oh no I think they are almost done playing “

“AND IN THE DAYLIGHT I DON’T PICK UP MY PHONE #bestsongevaaa”

“okay so wtf is this hour long berak b/w m&k and lupe?? #bored”

“I am so bored but I have nothing to tweet about so I’m going to not liveblog til lupe kbai”

“this guy behind me is weird tho. Unzipped jacket, no shirt #creep”

“oh and these BITCHES in front of me. Cannot even deal”

“OMG LUPEEEE hola bitch”

“I saw Lupe Fiasco wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops.”

“avoiding putting my body close to the weird gyy behing me”

“how am I still drunk”

“my roomie @maria_fd9 has her duckface on hardcore #latina”

“I don’t know any of the shit lupe is singing rn”

“why does everyone think “till I get there” is relevant to their life”

“I am not impressed by Lupe tbh”

“why is he taking 30 min to introduce his band? No one cares lupe”

“OF COURSE this bitch plays the show goes on last #predictable”

“well @maria_fd9 just caught a drumstick so I guess that’s coo”

“and uhhh now it’s over so bye I guess”

EVANSTON—After enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game.

“I offered him season tickets to see us ‘Cats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldn’t otherwise get and one that most football fans would die for. Of course, he accepted my offer and promised us a W on Saturday,” Fitz told an undercover field reporter when asked about the alleged bribe.

Upon discovering this backhanded transaction, most Northwestern students felt relieved to know their head coach cared enough about them to try to make the football games less of a letdown than in previous weeks. WCAS junior Jeff Baker stated, “I think his idea of bribing the Penn State coach was much more effective than lengthening practice time for the football team. Why waste valuable time bettering the team when a simple bribe will do the trick?”

Despite the overall positive feedback, Northwestern freshmen were noticeably less than pleased with Fitz. SESP freshman Macy Combs said, “I just don’t understand why we would even worry about losing during homecoming week. In high school we always won that game; obviously in college the same thing will happen.”

This Saturday’s game versus Penn State will most likely find many fans eagerly awaiting what may be the last win they will ever see secured by the NU football team. The freshmen, despite their anger at Fitz’s bribery, will undoubtedly show their trademark school spirit at football games, hesitantly mumbling the fight song and jingling their keys just a few seconds too late.

EVANSTON — Last Sunday Northwestern University freshmen were forced by the Evanston mayor to pretend they give a rat’s ass and volunteer in their new community through the inaugural SCAPE Project. However, the students were interrupted in their attempted philanthropy by Jesus’ return to Earth.

Despite their moaning and bitching about the probable rainfall, disgruntled students, after awakening from the comas Mayor Tisdahl’s speech had put them into, were herded out into downtown Evanston early Sunday morning to “Give Back, Goddammit,” a motto their high schools had previously beaten into them. Although most of the groups experienced only minor drama such as finding heroin needles in a Chicago park and being followed by an angered homeless man—who seemed to be the owner of the aforementioned needles—one group at St. Mary’s church witnessed something much more alarming: the Messiah returning to Earth.

One witness, Weinberg freshman Joseph Heck, claimed, “We just showed up at this church and some old guy told us to get rid of this whole row of bushes by setting them on fire.” Students at the scene recalled being confused at first. Then, according to Bienen freshman Kara Horcher, “It kind of just hit us that this old guy was obviously Jesus incarnate.”

The freshmen volunteering at St. Mary’s said that what sparked their suspicion was a connection between the task and a Biblical tale about “a burning bush or something.” Peer adviser Lisa Jennings agreed, “There was definitely something fishy about this guy. It was raining heavily and only Jesus would put poor freshmen through a rigorous test like getting wet bushes to catch fire.”

After a quick group huddle to confirm one another’s suspicions in hushed voices that they knew the Son of God could hear anyway, the group decided that they’d better fucking burn those bushes in spite of the rain, lest they be doomed to hell for all eternity or shanked by a crazy old man.

For the rest of the class of 2015, the SCAPE project was another boring part of Welcome Week, which basically did nothing for them morally, since most of them were previously forced to volunteer just so they could get into NU in the first place. As for those at St. Mary’s — well, at least they received a free ticket to heaven, which Jesus distributed in blotters after the bushes had been burned.