JUPITER ISLAND, FL – In a press conference today, Tiger Woods retracted his previous earth-shattering statement: “I’m human and I’m not perfect.” Woods claimed that he recently realized that these generic labels were insufficient to describe him. “I’m also a man,” he said. “And I’m a Neo-Freudian now.” The famed golfer sought psychiatric treatment when the details of his unsavory personal life came to the attention of the media. Woods believes that this decision has changed his entire perspective on his life.

“After an intense weekend of lying on the psychoanalytic couch, I’ve finally realized what the real problem is,” Woods told reporters. “Ever since I can remember, the game of golf has obsessed me. Many nights, I wake up in a hot sweat from recurring nightmares of balls, clubs, and holes. They call to me across the curvaceous hills and valleys of the green. The wind rippling through the water hazards seems to whisper one single word: ‘Gimme.’ These holes need to be filled, and I’m the only one who can do it for them.”

Woods’s therapist, the revered Dr. Ziggy Fraud, reflected that his patient’s career considerably impaired his personal life. “When Mr. Woods could golf, he could find the satiation of sublimation by sinking a putt. However, when he could not release his passion constructively, he was forced to find something else to sink, so to speak. I believe that Mr. Woods is a very selfless man. Like football players taught to tackle and basketball players indoctrinated into the worship of the hoop, Woods sacrifices the health of his sexual life to our enjoyment every day. These courageous men deserve only our tolerance and respect, as they are driven to find symbolic, existential emptiness through which to toss their balls.”

EVANSTON – This week, Weinberg freshman Stu Pitt and his roommate Tim Burr perished after falling two feet and three inches when Pitt’s bed risers caved in. The four-inch-tall risers were a violation of Northwestern University’s housing code, which prohibits any kind of lofted furniture.

“This is for safety reasons,” said NU housing representative Justin Thyme. “When I reflect upon this great tragedy, it’s clear to me that the boys would still be alive today if they’d just followed the rules. It’s probable that those four inches were the difference between life and death.”

At the time, the roommates were reportedly standing on Pitt’s bed in order to hang a flag, a fishnet, and some holiday lights on the adjacent wall. While he reached for another nail to drive into the pristine paint, Burr’s foot became entangled in the net. He stumbled, grabbing his microwave in an attempt to regain his balance. When the microwave fell, the kettle atop the microwave was overturned, pouring boiling water onto the plastic bed risers. Investigators believe that this single occurrence weakened the foundations and caused the infrastructural collapse of the dorm bed. Pitt and Burr are believed to have died from sub-cranial hemorrhages incurred in the massive two-foot fall. The wreckage of the bed then fell on the microwave. The broken kitchen appliance ignited, causing an explosion that threw the boys’ bodies into the hallway of the dormitory.

“There is a reason we have these rules and restrictions,” said Thyme. “Otherwise, this terrible series of events could repeat itself. Remember, folks, if you don’t follow the rules, this is what happens to you.”

As they lay undiscovered for several hours, the bodies of Pitt and Burr propped the door of the dormitory, allowing anyone to enter. In the subsequent chaos, many were assaulted or trampled. A third floor resident reported a sighting of Osama Bin Laden in the women’s bathroom. Northwestern Police is still looking for Bin Laden.

However, shortly after the incident, the NU Police released a statement claiming that there was no proof that it ever happened: “As all evidence of the accident itself were destroyed in the fire, it is not verifiable and thus cannot be considered a bona fide incident.” The Northwestern University Police Department advises all students to nonetheless be cognizant of safe decorating choices.

EVANSTON— This week, an anonymous tip led to the discovery that the alleged restoration of Harris Hall, the home of the NU history department, is in reality a hunt for the corpse of Jimmy Hoffa, the long-missing President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters.

The unnamed tipster would only identify himself as a member of the Hoffa Disappearance Investigative Committee (HDIC). Despite his oath of confidentiality to the university, he was unable to keep the information from the public any longer. “People have a right to know. When we find him, the people of the university community who are bearing the brunt of the construction deserve to be able to participate, to share in the glory of solving one of the greatest mysteries of the modern age.”

Harris Hall, a historic 93-year-old structure, had purportedly been undergoing renovations beginning in February. The undertaking will continue until Fall 2010, forcing faculty and students to relocate to 1800 Sherman Avenue. The project required approval from the City of Evanston Historic Preservation Committee, who have declared the structure a landmark. When asked why the educational building was chosen as an excavation site, the source said, “It’s like something my mother used to tell me whenever I lost something: ‘Well, did you look everywhere for it?’ We realized that in this case, there was a place we hadn’t looked.” According to HDIC, Northwestern University’s Harris Hall is the only place on earth where there has not been so much as a cursory search for the leader’s remains.

When confronted about the project, site supervisor Jared O’Malley was candid about its true purpose. “We haven’t had any luck yet,” O’Malley told the media. “We’ve only found a lot of dog bones, arrowheads, remains of lost ancient civilizations… nothing useful.”

However, O’Malley remains hopeful that the excavation will unearth something historically relevant, and will be willing to continue indefinitely. “The building will be out of commission for another year or so, but the consensus is that we just need to dig deeper.”