EVANSTON – Following Saturday’s loss to Iowa, the Northwestern athletic department has decided to take a new approach in managing the football team. Luke Harrison, Director of Athletics, explained Monday that the coaching staff has decided to replace the entire football team.

“The fact of the matter is, we have the potential to be a really good team. The thing that is really messing up our players is the fact that they are students at Northwestern,” Harrison said. “We realized it’s absolutely unreasonable for us to expect people who got a 2200 on the SAT to be good at football. It just doesn’t make sense!”

The Athletic Department is currently in the process of deciding which state school to recruit players from. “As long as our players do not attend or never will attend Northwestern, Northwestern might just have a shot at the Rose Bowl this year,” Harrison said.

The soon-to-be-former Northwestern footballers will still get to play games. An exhibition match against the Evanston Middle School football team is scheduled for Friday at 6PM.

EVANSTON – Freshmen passed out in droves at this year’s Wildcat Welcome, and campus administrators suspect that some type of drinking game was afoot during the lecture.

Stacy Herman, the event coordinator, said the drinking game had a simple premise.

“The fact of the matter is that taking a shot every time we said ‘peer pressure,’ ‘disappointment,’ or ‘started failing all my classes’ is a complete disappointment to the University and a very clear cave-in to peer pressure. I would not be surprised if the members of our incoming class begins to fail all of their classes if they continue such behavior.”

Some students stick to the claim that they were not drunk. Daniel Marrison, a SESP freshman, said “I wish I could claim drinking as an excuse for passing out. Really. It was just that boring.”

In related news, Wildcat Welcome administrators are in the process of ordering breathalyzers for next year.