WASHINGTON D.C. – After witnessing her powerful portrayal of UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in The Iron Lady, the Republican Party has announced the nomination of Meryl Streep for candidacy for President of the United States.  Predictions show that the lovely and talented Streep will pull ahead in the next primary, using her track record of Academy Awards and Golden Globes as an indication of her popularity with the masses and her ability to achieve.

Many GOP politicians are shifting their support from Romney and Gingrich to Streep, due to the fact that she is not completely incompetent; she keeps a level head, she always effectively executes her roles, and she is not an indecisive idealist or a horny bastard.

As a highly respected actress, Streep already has a leg up on the competition.  Her undeniable class will bring honor back to the Republican Party, and many posit that her womanly strength will give the GOP the feminine angle that failed so completely with Sarah Palin back in 2008.

Streep already has the support of many Republican leaders.  An encouraging tweet sent Tuesday from Sarah Palin read “U go girl!!!! Just tell them what a maverick u r and the ppl will love u 4ever!!”.  Former president George W. Bush also voiced support, saying “Meryl Streep has the prudential to be the most beautiful President in the history of Amurrica.  But all seriousness aside, she would do a great job running the country”.

Streep wishes all the candidates good luck, and hopes to establish a grip on the country that rivals her grip on Anne Hathaway in the 2006 box-office hit The Devil Wears Prada.

EVANSTON – Last Friday night, I set off to experience the hotly anticipated film event, The Devil Inside.  I have to admit, I didn’t know what to expect the first time; half of my girl friends had already frequently experienced The Devil Inside and found it quite pleasurable, but I did know a few others who said they would’ve rather been entertained by The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

It was rough from the very beginning.  There was no build-up to create anticipation. I felt as if I was just thrown into the middle of a freakshow.  Everything was happening so fast. Still, I gave The Devil Inside countless chances to make me jump, but I didn’t scream once.

The cameraman kept getting in the way of the scenes, too.  The shaky cinematography didn’t help the rhythm of the events flow smoothly, and it was hard to focus on the performances.  I kept waiting for a climax, but it never came.

Father Joseph Green, whom I met at the event, claimed that “the Catholic church did not approve of this, but they wanted to send a representative to save the souls of those who attended”.  He then proceeded to take his almighty protection out of his pocket and put it on, while asking people if they’d like to visit him in his confessional.

EVANSTON – In an effort to keep up with McDonald’s Super-Duper combo size, Burger King recently introduced the Extra-Super-Jumbo-Biggie-Large size.

This new gigantic portion of food features a 3-pound bag of fries and a 136-ounce bucket of your favorite soft drink to complement your burger.

Burger King CEO Mike Borowitz is pleased with the new size’s large success since its unveiling in Evanston last Friday, adding that the board of trustees knew the town would be the perfect neighborhood for the long-awaited introduction.

In light of the recent return to prohibition in Evanston, Northwestern students have begun to switch their party drug of choice from alcohol to marijuana, prompting even higher sales at the local Burger King.

Weinberg sophomore Eric Jameson who is ecstatic about Burger King’s new ploy, said,   “More Burger King? Whoa.”

Due to the sudden rise in demand for cheap and bountiful food, Burger King’s sales have almost tripled over the past month and continue to rise.

Sales are steadily rising at BK’s Mars location as well, probably due to the fact that there is still nothing to do there besides eat and go lava-rafting.

LOS ANGELES – Needlessly famous woman Kim Kardashian decided to go all-out this past Halloween.  On October 31, 2011, in an effort to complete her (sexy) gold-digger costume, Kardashian wore black Victoria’s Secret lingerie, a $2 million engagement ring, and filed for divorce from her ridiculously overpaid husband Kris Humphries.

Humphries, a player for the NBA, was utterly shocked.  “She just waltzed right in wearing nothing but lingerie and waved the divorce petition around like it was some sort of sexy role-play.”

Once Humphries realized what was happening, he was “majorly bummed – as if the NBA lockout wasn’t bad enough.”

When asked about her motives for divorce, Kardashian replied that she had “married for love, but this costume was like wayyy too cute and creative to pass up.  Plus, he was annoying me.  He just complained about everything in this really whiny voice and he was, like, always on his phone”.

Despite all the negative press surrounding Kim Kardashian following the split, she is still in surprisingly good spirits, which is plausible considering that she will soon be reaping the benefits of divorcing an incredibly stacked basketball player. She also claims to have a supportive network of family and friends.

Longtime friend Kanye West supports Kardashian and advises her to “get down girl, go ‘head, get down,” perhaps an instruction to hide from the paparazzi.

Kardashian is proud to have fully immersed herself in the character of Gold-Digging Bitch, and she hopes that this performance will finally let the American public see that she has the potential to be a real actress, and therefore, have a reason to be famous.

EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills.

This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene.

Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats for 14 people in Intro to Fiction, and Skyping your long-distance boyfriend of 3 months for 5 hours every night.

Sample questions from the other two categories may look like this:

If you live in a single and you leave the room, fully intending to close the door behind you, what is ONE thing you should bring?

People enjoy stepping in your nasty hairballs that are tangled up in the shower drain. T / F

This exam is meant to make freshmen realize that they are not exempt from basic rules of living that nearly everyone else acknowledges.

“We know that it can be difficult to live on your own for the first time, but really. It’s not that hard to make Easy Mac without setting off the fire alarm at 2 in the morning,” says Mary Lawrence, director of GTFO.

The exam will not be graded on a curve, due to the fact that any functioning human being should be able to score perfectly.

EVANSTON – An infectious disease causing millions of people to insert pound signs followed by senseless clichés at the end of all their typed sentences is quickly becoming a global pandemic. First affecting only attention-seeking Twitter addicts, the virus has now spread to Facebook users, Google Plus members, and countless others, essentially annoying the living fuck out of anyone on Earth who has yet to catch the sickness.

“Facebook is bad enough as it is. Whiny status updates about how terrible peopleʼs lives are, re-post statuses that can apparently cure cancer, and now hashtags? Canʼt a guy just stalk girls without all that extra bullshit?,” complained Ian Yorehouse.

An advanced stage of this disease, commonly referred to as Twittourettes, is starting to affect people in our own Northwestern community.

Aaron Loud, a theatre major, is recovering from a recent bout with the crippling sickness, and says he is trying to take his recovery one day at a time. “I used to think that tweeting 40 times a day was socially acceptable #keeptellingmyselfthat, but now I see the dire implications of my actions #ihavebecomeatotaldouchebag.”

Scientists say they hope to discover a cure before the virus mutates again, possibly leaving half the earth’s population unable to use more than 140 characters per thought.