HOLLYWOOD – NBC executives announced today the launch of a brand new drama which will debut next fall. It’s called 24: Lost and will focus on a protagonist, Shepherd Bauer who tries to prevent terrorist attacks on a strange island. According to producers, the drama will feature numerous twists and turns which will shock the audience like nothing they have ever seen before.

The Flipside has obtained a leaked script for an episode from the first season which surely serves as an indication for what to expect from this breakthrough drama. Without giving too much away, we can tell you that a scientist from the DTN (Dharma Terrorist Network) tries to smuggle a nuclear bomb onto the island and threatens to detonate it unless they can take hostage President of the Others Omar Widmore. If the bomb explodes, the island might spiral into a sideways universe 10 years into the future which may or may not represent purgatory.

Bauer will lead numerous dangerous missions to extinguish threats with the technical support of CTU: Island and his trusted friend Chloe Austin. Bauer will be assisted by his number two in command Cole Reyes, who may have a propensity for the word “dude” and have a secret affair with an ex-convict turned spy for the DTN: Libby Walsh. Other than the DTN, CTU will have to deal with a smoke monster which can override aerial drones and will face the threat of an EMP being detonated at their Orchid headquarters which would render it useless unless it can be stopped by an electromagnetically immune character named Arlo Hume.

NBC executives are tremendously optimistic that the show will be a big success for the network, following in the footsteps of other NBC hits like the Marriage Ref, The Jay Leno Show, The Biggest Loser, and Minute to Win It. “We believe 24: Lost will bring an entirely new experience to television” said NBC executive Mort Zuckergood. “Its originality should bring great results and help it develop a strong fan base which will abandon their lives to spend hours and hours debating the underlying meanings of our plot-lines on blogs and websites.”

EVANSTON- Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65.

“I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”. According to the general manager, Whole Foods tried to attract new customers with special deals and promotions but has found little success.

“Well, yeah, we tried deals, but we’re still Whole Foods. We have to maintain our sterling reputation we have built over the years,” the GM told The Flipside. “If we didn’t charge obscene prices for the same types of products you could get at Jewel, then we would no longer be the highest quality grocery store in the land! And those organic labels are actually quite expensive. Wait, what was the question?”

The Flipside then asked again about the failed special deals. “We did try to offer 10% off for college students because I think there is a university pretty close to our store, but our computers crashed when we tried to enter in the reduced prices. I don’t think they can handle discounts. So then we offered a special microwaved pizza slice for $7.50 only for college students. Surprisingly, the offer did not gain a lot of popularity.”

As a result of these failures to diversify their clientele, Whole Foods will begin the transition to a senior home soon. Since many of the elderly customers visit the store multiple times per day, 17-year-old cashier Veronica Billows doesn’t believe the change will be too difficult. “I already know many of the customers very well by now. They’re my grannies and grampies. Now they can just live here instead of having to travel back and forth between the store and their homes. We already have everything they will need here: Back to Nature wafers for breakfast, organic goat cheese for lunch, and some organic salmon with antioxidant shea butter for dinner! Plus, we can give them Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Vanilla Tea before they go to sleep. It will be great.”

Whole Foods Evanston will be rebranded Wholesome Lifeways and has already announced its fees for residents: a $5 hourly living rate and $10 per meal. Each senior will be given one free Gojilania Goji and Mangosteen Juice Blend per day.

EVANSTON – A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties.

Jack Smannikan, a sophomore in the School of Communication, decided to blow off some steam with a smoke after a tough week. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Saturday was the last day to return his textbooks to Norris; he figured he wouldn’t need them for the quarter. “I put down the blunt, picked up all my books, and then did that cool slide-down-the-stair-railing thing like they do in all those high school TV shows,” Jack told us from his hospital bed. “I was still a little out of it, so I crossed Sheridan without looking both ways like my mommy told me… and that’s all I remember.”

Jack was then hit by a car and suffered a broken leg. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one hurt. Thirteen other Northwestern students who had been waiting to cross unwisely decided to follow Smannikan and were subsequently also hit by oncoming traffic. “Ever since I have been here, I have always waited at the side of the road until somebody crosses in front of me,” said Weinberg junior Emily Ju. “After the first person goes, everyone else who is waiting crosses with them. Why should I have to look to see if cars are coming? There were never any problems until yesterday”.

The administration is now contemplating installing a voiceover to alert students when it is okay to walk in addition to the already in place electronic sign. Alternatively, ASG has suggested the construction of a walking bridge over Sheridan Road using extra funding from the 40% profit margin attained by Norris textbook sales. Hopefully, one of the proposed measures will be taken soon, allowing NU students to cross Sheridan Road safely.

CHUNKY, MISSISSIPPI- Two days ago, Mississippi six-year-old Eagle Bean decided he wanted to go on a balloon adventure. Bob Bean, Eagle’s father and US Army balloon warfare specialist, had designed a balloon spy drone with his wife that could be used to spy on terrorists. They had been working on the balloon in their backyard.

The large, white balloon, designed to appear conspicuous during night-time operations, had a small compartment to hold a camera and electrical wiring. Since the balloon was only in the design stage, however, the navigational technology had yet to be implemented, leaving the compartment empty with just enough space to fit a small child.

“We raised a smart one, I’ll tell ya,” said Bob. “Eagle saw that empty compartment and jumped right in. He even knew how to start ‘er up!” But these smarts had drastic consequences. The balloon started to rise and fly away from the Bean’s Mississippi farm. Eagle’s brother Buford was out playing with the family pigs, but as soon as he saw the balloon, he alerted his parents.

Bob immediately called 911 but to his surprise the operator started laughing at him. “Oldest trick in the book!” said 911 operator Abe Jones. “Those idiots in Colorado fell for the Balloon Boy trick, but not me!” Mississippi sheriff Leroy Black chimed in as well, “Us Mississippians know a hoax when we see one. There ain’t no boy in that balloon! Those Beans just want some damn attention.”

The balloon’s whereabouts were unknown as of this morning, since none of the Mississippi emergency services decided to follow it. Luckily, however, the balloon was shot down this afternoon in Nacogdoches, Texas by bird hunters who mistook the balloon for a dove. “We shot that thing down, but it turned out a lot bigger than we thought.” said hunter Rick Karney, laughing. “We opened the compartment and there was a sleeping kid inside!”

After they woke Eagle, the hunters learned the boy was from Mississippi and brought him to the police station. Eagle’s parents were ecstatic to hear the news that their son had been found. “We are just happy that Eagle has landed and is safe” said Bob.