CHUNKY, MISSISSIPPI—Two days ago, Mississippi six-year-old Eagle Bean decided he wanted to go on a balloon adventure. Bob Bean, Eagle’s father and US Army balloon warfare specialist, had designed a balloon spy drone with his wife that could be used to spy on terrorists. They had been working on the balloon in their backyard.

The large, white balloon, designed to appear conspicuous during night-time operations, had a small compartment to hold a camera and electrical wiring. Since the balloon was only in the design stage, however, the navigational technology had yet to be implemented, leaving the compartment empty with just enough space to fit a small child.

“We raised a smart one, I’ll tell ya,” said Bob. “Eagle saw that empty compartment and jumped right in. He even knew how to start ‘er up!” But these smarts had drastic consequences. The balloon started to rise and fly away from the Bean’s Mississippi farm. Eagle’s brother Buford was out playing with the family pigs, but as soon as he saw the balloon, he alerted his parents.

Bob immediately called 911 but to his surprise the operator started laughing at him. “Oldest trick in the book!” said 911 operator Abe Jones. “Those idiots in Colorado fell for the Balloon Boy trick, but not me!” Mississippi sheriff Leroy Black chimed in as well, “Us Mississippians know a hoax when we see one. There ain’t no boy in that balloon! Those Beans just want some damn attention.”

The balloon’s whereabouts were unknown as of this morning, since none of the Mississippi emergency services decided to follow it. Luckily, however, the balloon was shot down this afternoon in Nacogdoches, Texas by bird hunters who mistook the balloon for a dove. “We shot that thing down, but it turned out a lot bigger than we thought.” said hunter Rick Karney, laughing. “We opened the compartment and there was a sleeping kid inside!”

After they woke Eagle, the hunters learned the boy was from Mississippi and brought him to the police station. Eagle’s parents were ecstatic to hear the news that their son had been found. “We are just happy that Eagle has landed and is safe” said Bob.

EVANSTON—Last night around 1:45 AM, SafeRide driver Jimmy Sloan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol while transporting Northwestern sophomore David Bernstein from a ZBT frat party to his south campus residence. According to Evanston police officer Ralph Williams, Sloan attempted to street race on Sheridan Road with an Intercampus shuttle which was not willing to join him.

Said Sloan, “I give him the look, you know? The bus driver made eye contact with me so I knew it was on.” Unfortunately for Sloan, he was the only participant in the race. After nearly colliding with the South campus construction site, Sloan’s vehicle was spotted by Officer Williams, who pursued him down Chicago Avenue until Sloan stopped.

“I asked him for license and registration and he shaped his hand like a claw and yelled,” said Williams. “That’s when I knew something was wrong.” When asked by the officer if he had been drinking, Sloan replied “A guy’s gotta party.” The officer conducted a field sobriety test during which, according to one witness, Sloan could be heard yelling “Don’t tase me, bro! Don’t tase me!” The officer did not have a taser on his person during the testing.

The Flipside spoke with Bernstein today about the traumatic incident. “I knew something was wrong when Jimmy told me his favorite game when he was younger was Crazy Taxi on Dreamcast” he told me. “He started looking for ramps to jump to “get some mad bonus points, dude” but instead just went for the street race.”

After failing the field sobriety test by falling down multiple times and attempting to hug Officer Williams, Sloan was given a breathalyzer, which reported a blood alcohol content of .16, or twice the legal limit. He awaits a court date.

When asked why he was driving drunk on the job, Sloan explained “I had to pregame it, dude.” When informed that pregaming generally occurs before a significant event or party, he replied “SafeRide’s a party”.