EVANSTON—Many residents complain about Chicago’s winter, but last week a local student experienced an inconvenience even worse than a 2 a.m. walk to BK in lake-effect snow conditions. When Northwestern student Greg Conrad left class last Friday he discovered he had been “sexiled” out of the country.

Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.”

Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being all like ‘bro my gf’s in town, be a bro and find somewhere to chill for the weekend.’ …I’m not your goddamn bro!”

Upon his return to Northwestern’s Evanston campus (after a brief layover at the school’s Qatar location), Conrad stated, “Do you know how hard it is to make a shelter in snow? Bear Gryll’s British ass makes it look like a cakewalk.”

“The worst part is,” said Conrad, “that while I’m out here dying in this cold, arid wasteland, I know my roommate’s enjoying a hot and sweaty room. Normally I’d just crank one out and go to bed, but it’s so cold I can’t even find my goddamn dick! Fuck that guy! I swear to God, if that ‘chill’ comment was a pun, I’m gonna flip a shit.”

Conrad says he’s now waiting for his girlfriend to visit so he can “send that bitch of a roommate off to the Island of Elba.”

EVANSTON—When freshman Conrad Stevens went to his first lab in Tech on Wednesday, he ended up stumbling upon a colony of students living in the halls.

“I’d just passed L22 for the fifth goddamn time,” Stevens recounts, “when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I could have sworn I heard whispers.”

Upon investigation, Stevens realized he had found a small village lining the halls of the A wing basement. “They were all wearing long-sleeved shirts, pants, socks, closed-toed shoes, and safety… fuck, I forgot my goggles!” Stevens recalls.

These so-called “Lost Boys” are, in fact, an entire freshman lab session from last year who, through a typo, were scheduled to meet in “A2.” Senior Benjamin Wells remarked, “any freshman that doesn’t know A2 isn’t a real room deserves to be lost in Tech for a year, living off scraps of food and deionized water. When I was a freshman I spent a whole week living in the Tribune Center because I didn’t realize it was different from McCormick Hall.” When reached for a followup, Stevens raised a thought-provoking question, “Who the fuck put the L Wing between B and G?!”

Stevens is planning to give a talk to University maintenance entitled “This Is Why You Clean the Fucking Basement,” though there is doubt whether maintenance workers will put aside their fears of encountering a minotaur in the Tech labyrinth.