Through some sort of miscommunication, Conrad was shipped off to Siberia, a frozen, desolate wasteland, where he survived only on his knowledge of “Man vs. Wild.”

Conrad complained, “my roommate texted me being all like ‘bro my gf’s in town, be a bro and find somewhere to chill for the weekend.’ …I’m not your goddamn bro!”

Upon his return to Northwestern’s Evanston campus (after a brief layover at the school’s Qatar location), Conrad stated, “Do you know how hard it is to make a shelter in snow? Bear Gryll’s British ass makes it look like a cakewalk.”

“The worst part is,” said Conrad, “that while I’m out here dying in this cold, arid wasteland, I know my roommate’s enjoying a hot and sweaty room. Normally I’d just crank one out and go to bed, but it’s so cold I can’t even find my goddamn dick! Fuck that guy! I swear to God, if that ‘chill’ comment was a pun, I’m gonna flip a shit.”

Conrad says he’s now waiting for his girlfriend to visit so he can “send that bitch of a roommate off to the Island of Elba.”

“I’d just passed L22 for the fifth goddamn time,” Stevens recounts, “when I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I could have sworn I heard whispers.”

Upon investigation, Stevens realized he had found a small village lining the halls of the A wing basement. “They were all wearing long-sleeved shirts, pants, socks, closed-toed shoes, and safety… fuck, I forgot my goggles!” Stevens recalls.

These so-called “Lost Boys” are, in fact, an entire freshman lab session from last year who, through a typo, were scheduled to meet in “A2.” Senior Benjamin Wells remarked, “any freshman that doesn’t know A2 isn’t a real room deserves to be lost in Tech for a year, living off scraps of food and deionized water. When I was a freshman I spent a whole week living in the Tribune Center because I didn’t realize it was different from McCormick Hall.” When reached for a followup, Stevens raised a thought-provoking question, “Who the fuck put the L Wing between B and G?!”

Stevens is planning to give a talk to University maintenance entitled “This Is Why You Clean the Fucking Basement,” though there is doubt whether maintenance workers will put aside their fears of encountering a minotaur in the Tech labyrinth.