“Do I sometimes get jealous of other rankings and their hot Ivy League partners? Sure. But Morty is my man, and I think Northwestern University is a great school to be with,” the ranking said.
Author Archives: Michael Miller
“They usually stock all the chips on the other side of the store, but for some reason these Tampax chips are over here with all the cough medicine.”
“As soon as enough ethanol started flowing between the platelets and macrophages, I figured it was only a matter of time before the two of them started swapping molecules.”
“We have sufficient reason to believe the long-dormant student will emerge from slumber imminently,” lead scientist Veronica Tyson said at a press conference today. “Also, his alarm has been going off for the past 20 minutes.”
“The message is clear: brutally splitting non-union construction workers in half with a bulldozer’s metal blade has no place at Northwestern.”
“Furthermore, we believe that Morson’s humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiro’s economic positions outlined in the book.”
“Let this be a warning to all other lawless individuals looking to steal fruit from our dining halls,” Ellis continued. “You have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. We will find you, and we will stop you.”
Area student Eric Shaw, WCAS ’19, has reportedly come crawling back to the political science quiz he was going to drop.
“I’m actually kind of relieved. I thought he was angry at me because I’m black,” Howard said.
Repeatedly stopping to calm down the jittery college president, sources reported today that Northwestern landscaping officials told Morton Schapiro all about the birds and the bees.