“The message is clear: brutally splitting non-union construction workers in half with a bulldozer’s metal blade has no place at Northwestern.”
Author Archives: Michael Miller
“Furthermore, we believe that Morson’s humanities agenda influenced most, if not all, of Schapiro’s economic positions outlined in the book.”
“Let this be a warning to all other lawless individuals looking to steal fruit from our dining halls,” Ellis continued. “You have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. We will find you, and we will stop you.”
Area student Eric Shaw, WCAS ’19, has reportedly come crawling back to the political science quiz he was going to drop.
“I’m actually kind of relieved. I thought he was angry at me because I’m black,” Howard said.
Repeatedly stopping to calm down the jittery college president, sources reported today that Northwestern landscaping officials told Morton Schapiro all about the birds and the bees.
While giddily walking away from the prize counter, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro told reporters today that he had exchanged 200 Dave & Busters tickets for a Wildcats nightlight. “I’m a really big Northwestern sports fan, so I’m super excited to have my very own Wildcats nightlight. Oh boy!” Morty exclaimed. Morty reportedly earned the 200 tickets over several hours playing Skee-Ball, whack-a-mole, and pop-a-shot basketball. He was chaperoned around the venue by members of the Board of Trustees. “You should
“I have three midterms coming up, and I told my friend I’d get dinner with him soon. I just can’t do 4/20 until early next week at best,” Palmer said as he crammed for a reading quiz.
Opponent Alderman Mark Tendam, expressed skepticism at Hagerty’s claim. “Are there even 3,000 undocumented people in Evanston to do this?”
“I’ve been practicing all week in front of my mirror. Let’s just say everyone’s gonna love my fireman bit,” Westwood said with an utterly pitiful wink.