SAN FRANCISCO—When Brian Wilson recorded the final out of San Francisco’s Game 5 victory over the Walker Texas Rangers, the entire city was thrown into euphoria.

The celebration, however, was not a result of the Giants winning the World Series for the first time since the Fifties. More importantly, the day marked 44 years and three weeks since the Beach Boys released “Good Vibrations.”

“It’s a well-known fact that the Beach Boys and Mary Jane is a more American combination than a burger and freedom fries,” said stoner Lance Feinbud. “Today is a very special day for us, especially here in Cali.”

After the final out, thousands of fans hung around AT&T Park appearing to be celebrating a historic victory. In reality, most of those who stayed to watch the post-game festivities were simply admiring the pretty lights that came from the camera flashes.

Newspaper reports indicated that thousands of people attended the Giants’ victory parade, but it was discovered later that most people were there for a far different reason. General Tso’s Command Center, a small restaurant in Chinatown, was holding an egg-roll giveaway in celebration of the victory. “Everyone knows that Chinese food is godly when you’re stoned,” said Marley Jackson, a local unemployed musician. “This must be how people feel when they see Jesus and stuff.”

30,000 pounds of the finest ganja was expected to be shipped in for the victory parade, but it was seized at the U.S.-Mexico border by Snoop Dogg and his entourage who were short on chronic. “I had my Tanqueray, but how could I roll down the street sipping on gin and juice without smoking Indo?” said the rapper.

No one was more apathetic about the victory than star slugger Barry Bonds, who went to bed during the seventh inning as he was scheduled to appear the next morning at the local middle school to warn young student athletes about the dangers of drug abuse.

Reports that he later smoked a joint with Ricky Williams have not been confirmed.

EVANSTON—Donning a fresh new suit, an American flag pin, and a Bill Clinton mask, McCormick sophomore Shane Feinberg strolled out of Allison Hall a confident man Saturday night.  He was 0 for 13 so far in his Northwestern flirting career, but there was no doubt in his mind that Saturday would be the night a female would rendezvous with his slick Willie.

For that night he was not Shane Feinberg, the awkward Jewish kid whose greatest scores had come on calculus tests. No, for just one evening he would walk out the door as William Jefferson Clinton, the 42nd president of the United States and the ultimate player-pimp.

Shane arrived at the front door of Lambda Chi’s Halloween Dance Party with his presidential swagger on overdrive.  To say he was flying like a G6 would be a severe understatement. He was flying like Air Force One.

“I thought it was going to happen right then and there,” said Feinberg after the first girl he met that night introduced herself as Monica.  However, the girl merely smiled at him and moved on to a similarly dressed student wearing a slightly more relevant mask.

“He’s definitely still hot even though he’s old”, remarked Weinberg freshman Monica Iksniwel, “but I’m into that black guy who sits in the Oval Office now. He just gets me so horny with all his talk of change and stuff.”

Feinberg continued trying to spit presidential game but kept losing girls to the guy with the Obama mask.

“I saw this black guy on TV in Grant Park on Election Day and there were hundreds of hot girls holding his picture so I figured if I dressed up as him, I’d surely get some”, said David Palmer, a Medill sophomore.  “Boy, was I right.”

Feeling defeated towards the end of the night, Feinberg began to text his ex-girlfriend Hillary.

“He said I was the only woman he ever loved and that I melted his heart in my powder-blue blouse”, said Hillary Johnson, 19.  “I would’ve thought about taking him back, but I’m not sure how my girlfriend Nancy would’ve reacted.”

Feinberg returned to Allison Hall and was quietly playing his alto-saxophone when his roommate Al Roge walked in and said, “Is that Willie playing his victory song after a long night of debauchery?”  Feinberg frowned and said, “It depends on what your definition of is, is.”