By Pope Benedict XVI

EVANSTON—Help!!! I’m trapped inside the Sheil Catholic Center. Can’t you people see me banging on the window? I’m trapped for Pete’s sake! I don’t know how, but I woke up in a strange place and the next thing you know, I’m tiny. They shrunk me so that I can’t escape what has become an impenetrable fortress. Someone needs to do something. When I find out who’s done this, they’re most certainly going to get excommunicated, I mean big time. Well, it’s not so bad I guess, I could be shrunk and trapped inside a Protestant Center instead.

Idea: Peter Luckow
Article, Picture: Nick Zessis
Camera Used for Picture: Nicky Brailas

LOS ANGELES—Stephen Hawking was given quite the stir earlier this week as his lead was robbed by some guy named Ted near the end of Wheel of Fortune. As Ted ventured on to accumulate even greater fortune in the Bonus Round, Stephen sat looking shocked and appalled, making guttural noises through his keyboard to express his frustration. “I never heard of this dude before, but he made it real hard for me to win” said Ted. “When he said he was the smartest guy on the planet, I knew he was for reals, so I kept my cool.”

The acclaimed author and mathematical genius who graduated from Oxford and Cambridge refused to comment on his loss. The audience credited the poor final round to his lack of pop culture knowledge. “For a man who knows so much about incredibly advanced mathematical concepts, you’d think Martin and Charley Sheen wouldn’t cause him so much trouble,” noted one audience member.

Co-host Vanna White was appalled as well. “Hearing that Stephen Hawking would finally appear on our show was incredible to say the least. What happened will go down in history.” Friends, family, and neighbors of Stephen Hawking noticed that after this traumatic event, Stephen became particularly reclusive. One neighbor commented, “The last time he was like this was when he was nearing his discovery on black hole emission! We all assumed he was onto something big until we noticed the constant supply of DVDs from Netflix filtering through his mail. It seems the focus of his mind may be shifting.”