MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN – Senior Al-Qaeda leaders admitted today that Oscar-nominated actor Mark Wahlberg would have totally kicked their asses had the stage-choreography-trained thespian been present to thwart all three simultaneous 9/11 hijackings. After Wahlberg claimed that “[the hijacking] wouldn’t have went down like it did” in a Men’s Journal interview, Al-Qaeda spokesmen ceded that years of planning and use of terror tactics would have completely unraveled in the steely, unsmiling face of the Contraband star.

According to a joint Homeland Security/Wahlberg report, after single-handedly subduing terrorists aboard LA-bound Flight 11, Wahlberg would have paused to sign autographs and discuss how he “so should’ve won [an Academy Award] for Three Kings”. As the plane’s captains positioned their cabin above Flight 175 (also LA-bound), Wahlberg would have courageously leapt from plane to plane, presumably while shirtless.

Leaving a single terrorist alive long enough for questioning, Wahlberg would have barked “WHERE IS MY WIFE?!?!?” in the hijacker’s face before remembering that he was unmarried.

At this point Wahlberg would have radioed United Flight 93, ordering hijackers to surrender or “prepare for a world of pain”. A hasty landing would be made at JFK International Airport minutes later. Wahlberg would then arrive in LA just in time to accept an Oscar for The Departed, despite the film not premiering until 2006. His acceptance speech would bring the audience to tears.

Not all Al-Qaeda soldiers were enthused by the report, many challenging Wahlberg to an “Air Force One-off” on the actor’s private jet, a challenge which the actor eagerly accepted. Originally scheduled for early February, the hypothetical rematch has reportedly been pushed back so that Jason Statham can free up his schedule.

THE MOON – Baseball’s most successful franchise won its seventy-fifth straight title (and seventy-seventh overall) last week, defeating the Galactic League champion Boron VI Green Stockings of the Luciferin Galaxy. This year’s Series was played on Earth’s moon for only the fifth time after the Moon League won the All-Galaxy Game in a dramatic 4-3 nail biter. It was Starlin Castro IV who hit the go-ahead 1,091 foot homerun in reduced gravity to give the Cubs the 2161 title.

The Cubs’ great seventy-five year run all started when (then) Major League Baseball finally integrated the game with human clones. The Cubs were allowed to play a clone of Jackie Robinson for the first time in 2074; the franchise never looked back. The Ricketts family, owners of the Chicago Cubs, bought the patent on human cloning in 2080, which has prevented other teams from using cloned players.

“People told my family that we had no right to buy the patent, that anyone should be allowed to use it to bring back loved ones who have since passed on, but we didn’t listen,” Steve E. Ricketts, great-great-grandson of Tom Ricketts, told The Milky Way Flipside. “We promised a World Series title to Earth-Chicago and this was the only way to give it to them. Trust me, we tried everything else.”

The 2161 Cubs, which consists mainly of Babe Ruth, Albert Pujols, and Starlin Castro clones, defeated many powerhouse teams before clinching title number seventy-seven. They defeated teams on HGH, teams consisting of mainly robots, and teams consisting of silicon-based life forms.

“We’re no match for carbon-based life forms, that’s for sure,” explained Boron VI third baseman A117N Thompson. “Especially cloned carbon-based life forms.”

In related baseball news, the St. Louis Cardinals, New York Yankees, Chicago White Sox, and Miami Marlins all failed to reach the playoffs again. The last time any of these pathetic Earth League franchises won the World Series was in 2011.

IOWA CITY, IA – Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Human kids. Or are they? Since 1959, the Trix rabbit (pictured) has been unable to taste the sweet sugary goodness of Trix cereal. Although he has come close in nearly every commercial, his attempts have always been thwarted at the last second by young children. That all changed last Saturday.

“We just finished our team warm-ups before sitting down for breakfast in the team hotel,” a Northwestern linebacker, who wished to remain anonymous, told The Flipside. “He burst into the room and went right for the cereal cart. We tried to stop him, but we couldn’t! We did everything: we blitzed, we tried calling a timeout, we tried complaining to the official, and we even tried tackling!”

By the time the rabbit was brought down, he had eaten nearly all the Trix, ending a nearly fifty-two year cereal-drought.

“We were on the wrong side of the history books today,” remarked Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald. “As if losing to Iowa wasn’t bad enough, we’re responsible for this atrocity. Five year-olds used to stop this [rabbit], yet he got through us?”

Why did it take the Trix rabbit so long to eat Trix cereal? Why didn’t he just go to the grocery store? What about ordering from Peapod?

“There’s no reasoning with this bunny,” explained General Mills CEO Lance Vickerson. “People don’t realize he was originally created for a psychological study. We conditioned him early on to desire a new cereal we were creating, but would never let him have any. It drove him mad. We continued the study for decades and were amazed at his unwavering persistence (yet immense stupidity) toward obtaining Trix of his own.”

It seems the Trix rabbit finally wised up. It’s not too hard to fool children, but it’s really not too hard to fool Northwestern’s defense these days.

SKOKIE – One Northwestern freshman spent the most anticipated day of the year aimlessly wandering through the scenic village of Skokie. The hours of a.m. drinking forced David Eager to head West on Dillo Day, instead of East toward the lakefill.

“There are really only two things you need to know how to do on Dillo Day,” Mayfest co-chair Chase “Maystache” Jacksons explained to Flipside investigators. “Drink large quantities of alcohol and have the common sense to head towards music in the same direction as a shitload of people.” Eager managed to accomplish the first task so well that the second became difficult.

“I was just drinking whatever people were giving me, hopping fences, going from house party to house party. Thought I really built up my stamina from that ‘Defining Moments’ party last week. Guess not.”

Eager got separated from his friends after experiencing confusion as to where exactly Simpson Street ended. He decided to head toward the Lakefill to meet up with them, but by this point the freshman was seriously disoriented.

“I had no clue where I was, let alone which way to go. I just picked a direction and started walking, hoping I wouldn’t be late to my first Dillo Day.”

Skokie police officers found Eager in a park next to Old Orchard Mall “mostly fist pumping” in front of a swing set.

“Once I found an open patch of grass, I thought I was there. It wasn’t until my buzz wore off in the squad car that I realized something was wrong…mainly that my buzz was wearing off.”

One Skokie resident tried to aid the “clearly out of place, slightly abusive, and heavily pee-stained” NU student.

“He kept asking me where the pornographers were,” the resident informed The Flipside. “Also something about how ‘Bob’ had nothing on me. I don’t know any Bob.”

After the embarrassing rookie mistake, Eager plans to take preventative measures for next year.

“Dillo Day 2012 is going to be the best. I’m going to camp out on the Lakefill the night before. Just in case.”

EVANSTON – Many students were shocked to hear last week that Professor J. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class would not be offered next year, but the campus was in an even greater uproar after hearing that the administration had canceled sex itself for the 2011-12 academic year.

“At this point,” President Morton Schapiro explained in a press release, “we need to rethink how sex fits into the lives of our undergraduates. We’ve received complaints that sex exists at Northwestern for pure ‘shock value,’ and we want to be sure of its practical applications before we reopen it to the student body.”

Student response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly negative. “I can’t believe they cancelled sex,” lamented WCAS freshman Alyssa Sheldon. “Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.” Many students agreed with Sheldon’s frustrations, and watching unsatisfied undergrads erase sex from their day planners has become common around campus. “I understand some sex may have been a little uncalled for,” continued Sheldon, “but this seems like a really drastic decision.”

Sales of sex toys to NU students have risen dramatically. “Those young whippersnappers cleaned me out,” said Gene Piselli, the owner of “Gene’s Fucksaws and Sundries,” a sex shop in Wrigleyville. “Even if the university bans sex, it won’t stop genitalia from existing.”

In response to Northwestern’s new policy, several sex-addicted students have decided to transfer to BYU, citing the school’s “more open attitude with regards to human sexuality” as a top selling point.

The university has reported its next target will be defecation, which it says “promotes a culture of crude, scatological, and generally immature behavior not representative of the Northwestern brand.”

Entrepreneur Certain That Evanston Could Use Another Barbershop