CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year.

It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball.

“Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me. I can’t stand watching Fox at this time of the year.”

Abbey, who is always trying to comfort her boyfriend’s Chicago-sports-induced temper tantrums, insisted that everything would work out in the end. “Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure the Cubs will win the Super Bowl someday.”

Gary then proceeded to roll his eyes, blurt out a couple of curse words, and down 4 shots of vodka all in the next two minutes.

“I really don’t see what his problem is,” added Abbey. “Always pouting over something. So the Cubs haven’t won a match in 10 years. At least the Blackhawks are good this season. I hear they score a lot of touchdowns.”

“Well, I suppose it could be worse,” thought Gary while clinging to a pair of Coronas, “I could be a…oh shit, what’s worse than a Cubs fan… [incomprehensible sobbing]… nothing.”

“I really wish you spent your money better,” Abbey pleaded to Gary. “If you would just stop wasting it on booze and ‘You Gotta Believe’ posters, you could save it for important things, like clothes.”

It was later confirmed that although Gary was upset by the World Series advertisement, he does think Glee is “fucking gay as shit” and that he should hate it because he “has a Y chromosome.” He would never let his girlfriend know that he hates her favorite show because “she does give great head.”

GAINESVILLE, FL—Outraged that a “God-damned Muslim” controls his country, one Florida pastor decided to take matters into his own hands. Garry Jones is planning a nationwide burning of “The Audacity of Hope.”

“We here at Unity and Peace (For All White, Straight Christians [excluding Catholics]) Church believe that it is just unconstitutional to have an Islamic president,” Jones said. “Besides, he’s not even an American citizen!”

Jones’ group plans to burn the President’s book, claiming that Obama had written the “secret Koran of America.”

Before entering the book burning, all participants must show their birth and baptism certificates.

“We don’t want any non-citizens at this event,” Jones said. “That would defeat the purpose.”

We asked some students at the University of Florida what they thought of Jones’ event happening so close to their school.

“Well, is Tim Tebow going?,” said Chaz Riche. “If so, then I’m so there.”

“Is there booze?” said Sally Farms. “If there is, I’ll show up, too.”

But the reactions around the world have been quite different. University professors, journalists, and other seemingly educated people continue to insist that the President is, in fact, both a citizen and a Christian.

Still, despite all the legitimate paperwork, Jones says he refuses to believe these “crackpot theories.”

CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.

Oh shit! This is really shitty music man. How long have I been out here? It’s only 1:34? Man, she’s been singing with that piano for the longest damn time. This music sucks! She’s hot though, so it’s ok. Wait, no, I think I’m starting to lose my buzz. She’s not as attractive now. I’m not as attractive now. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Run back to the house, ok, jungle juice…no. Bud light…no. Ah, here it its, Smirnoff [gulp] ahhhhh no chasers. Damn it, I’ll use the water cup from bear pong this morning. Wait, not sanitary. Oh, but the alcohol will kill off any bacteria in my system, so it’s cool.

Alright, back to the lakefill [music: and I hear all this music, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my heart, and it breaks my hear hear hear hear hear hear hearaaaartttt]. SHIT! Why are they still playing this bullshit. It’s killing my buzz. SO BORING! I’d rather go see Sex and the City 2. Wait no I wouldn’t. What time is it now? 1:48? Damn it! When the fuck does Drake get here? WHAT??? No Drake? …Nelly? Not until 9:00pm? What the fuck am I supposed to do until then? Do you realize how much I’m going to have to drink to keep from pulling her off the stage and yelling at those Mayfest kids? Survey my ass. I didn’t fill out any God damn survey!

Oh, well, I guess it’s not that bad, free pizza is going to be giv-…what? They’re out of pizza? Already? Shit! [music: I hear in my mind, all of these voices] Is she seriously still singing? If she doesn’t stop soon, I may go into a rage coma! Okay, keep your cool. It will all be ok once I get some pancakes. Huh? Pancakes were served this morning? SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

We All Need to Do Our Part to Save the Ocean

By Dr. Floyd M.F. Jenkins

British Petroleum, more commonly known as BP, caused a terrible accident this month when their oil rig malfunctioned and began leaking.  This is a new breed of oil spill — while earlier incidents (such as the Exxon-Valdez disaster) had a finite quantity of pollutant that was confined to the contents of a tanker, here the oil supply is basically limitless.  This leak, which has been named “Deepwater Horizon,” is very difficult to control and gushes millions of gallons of oil every day. 

Sea life in the Gulf of Mexico is helpless to fight off the deadly oil; as a result, the biodiversity in affected areas is decreasing at an alarming rate.  Every organism is precious; as humans, we have no right to let them die because of our foolish actions.  We must find a way to halt the damage as soon as possible. 

Though pointing fingers is generally unproductive, BP has committed one of the most unforgivable and careless mistakes of the 21^st century, and an example should be made. Congress has taken little to no action to indict this company and force them to take responsibility for their failings; this shows the current problem with our world. We can avoid such tragedy in the future only by showing the world that carelessness is not to be tolerated.

I implore you all to think of the ecosystems, even the ones underwater hundreds of miles away.  If we don’t watch out for the animals living in and nearby the sea, who’s to say that we could protect animals on land?  After a certain point, there will not be enough clean earth for any significant amount of wildlife to subsist on — all because of human folly.

Not If You Don’t Give Two Shits About The Environment
By Earl Stevies

There’s nothin I hate more than city-slickers tellin me bout what I need to be doin. My old lady and I shop at Walmart and we’re God damn proud to use plastic plates and silverware for every meal. There specially good cause when I throw them plates at this here TV whenever I get angsty over a NASCAR race, it don’t break the TV.

This here environment thingy needs to mind its own business. I don’t give a rats batootie whether or not there’s oil in the ocean. Think about all the money them fishies and manatees goin be makin now that they got all that oil. Hell, I’ll take an oil leak any day in my trailer, make me a rich man. I’d buy one uh them, uh, fancy VCR’s so my cousin can come over and entertain his kids. Those damn fish might finally smarten up, stop getting duped by them earth worms. Those things are good though, can’t blame em for that.

Shit, I don’t even know where the Gulf of Mexico is or any of that nonsense. If you ask me, it seems like Mexico’s problem, I don’t see what Amurica got to do with it.

Really want to know whats I thinkin? I think that Hussein Obama sabotaged the oil rig so we have to switch to alternative energy like wind and all that other gay shit.

I ain’t gotta help clean nothin cause I don’t give a shit about no environment. What’s it ever done for me?

EVANSTON—The Northwestern Associated Student Government and Student Groups Committee gave the widely unknown Northwestern Flipside a whopping $100 to assist in the printing of its satirical publication. Despite applying for the money guaranteed to them as a T-status group in May of 2009, the now pending B-status group has largely been ignored until now.

“It’s not that we needed the money for anything important,” Nick Zessis, the President and founder of The Flipside, told The Flipside. “I mean, we weren’t trying to print our publication and get our names out there or anything like that. We weren’t trying to make people laugh or brighten up their day. Asking for money to do that is an impossible request. Why would we ever want that?”

The Flipside’s readership is at an all time high, averaging nearly 200 pageviews a day, that according to the website’s Google Analytics account. That’s not counting the nearly 3000 copies distributed across campus once a quarter.

“Everything is coming along very nicely,” added Sam Gutelle, The Flipside’s Vice-President. “We’ve spent a lot of time at the various activities fairs. A lot of time. Just sitting there. Handing out issues.”

The Flipside has an expert staff of editors, marketers, writers, designers, procrastinators, and video personnel that make for an efficient student group.

“We sit down after every meeting and take a close look at each article,” Managing Editor Tom Schroeder said. “It’s great because there’s no fact checking. It’s like we’re Fox News or something.”

Sam Gutelle quickly remarked, “Editors make changes to my articles. I don’t like that.” When asked why, he responded, “I’m from Jersey, that’s why.”

Andrew Gresik, the group’s Secretary, provides the group with insightful feedback. For example, he’s best known for saying things like, “That article idea is not funny, don’t use it.” It’s his enthusiasm that really brings out his true feelings for an idea.

Brad Weinberger, the trusty Director of IT and Treasurer, had no comment for this article because he doesn’t read The Flipside.

Alex Liu and Katie Prentiss, the remaining Executive Board members, also declined comment, citing that “they did not want to be associated with such dysfunctional groups because they do good work.”

All in all, The Northwestern Flipside will most definitely put that generous $100 to good use. With that kind of money, and such a functional Exec Board, everyone will soon be aware of the currently obscure publication.

The title and topic of this article is factual. The quotes and depicted incompetence of said members is satirical…kind of. April Fool’s!

CHICAGO—Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago.

Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of worldwide nuclear disarmament). Residing in the “hearty” south side of Chicago, the University of Chicago has recently furthered its rather “uncommon” application.

Nix nearly fainted among glancing at the envelope. It had the word “Congratulations” written in bold. “My parents made me apply there,” said Nix. “I went on a tour there. I can only describe it as a black hole of emotion. I left campus joyless, pale, and trembling.”

Fortunately for Nix, the enclosed letter informed him of his rejection. “I was so relieved,” added Nix. “The thought of hanging out with UChicago kids for four years wanted to make me enlist in the army.”

Starting this year, only rejected applicants will receive the big congratulation envelopes. Accepted applicants will receive small, discrete letters. “We thought we’d change our notification system this year,” a UChicago admissions officer told The Flipside. “Too many students were disappointed when they opened our congratulation letters to find that they had been accepted. This new system is more appropriate given the overwhelmingly common emotional response.”

It will be some time before he hears back from Stanford, but Nix hasn’t taken his UChicago rejection harshly. “Regardless of where I end up, I know I’ll still be sane four years from now.”