Author Archives: Richie Hoffman

internetmemeology

Northwestern Unveils New Meme Studies Major

internetmemeology

EVANSTON – In a move to appeal to an increasingly Internet-centric youth, Northwestern University will be offering a major in Meme Studies, Assistant Dean for Curriculum Joan Linsenmeier announced yesterday. Northwestern will become the first major university to offer a degree in the up-and-coming science of Internet memes. This announcement comes in response to years of student petitions for the university to offer a full major in studying Internet memes – which, for those uninitiated in Internet culture, is defined

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Kid With Beret Smoking Under Streetlight Tired of Accusations of Being French

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EVANSTON – Auguste Rault has faced accusations of being French ever since he came to Northwestern University with a backpack full of baguettes and cigarettes in 2010. Rault, a sophomore French major, claims that this stereotyping is evidence of a culture of ignorance prevalent among “fat, American, spoiled” Northwestern students. Rault, while moodily chain-smoking in the pouring rain, explained that people question him about whether he is French almost weekly. “It’s almost as if a man can’t dwell on the

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Man returns iPhone 4S after alleged sexual harassment

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TOPEKA – One man of Tecumseh, Kansas who prefers to be referred to only as “Brian,” is filing charges against Apple for sexual harassment by the new iPhone’s voice-recognizing assistant. “It all started off alright,” Brian said, “I was excited about the new update, I unboxed it right away…it all seemed so normal.” Brian says that he should’ve taken the phone’s first interaction with him more seriously. “I started it up, and the first thing it said was, ‘What’s your

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Mid-speech, Herman Cain Runs Out of Pizza Analogies

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PALM BEACH, FL. – GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain struggled to finish his speech to the seniors at Maple Oaks Retirement Community yesterday after he ran out of ways to compare the United States to pizza. “Um… well, really, what we need to focus on is speedy delivery,” Caine said, wiping his sweaty forehead. “The government is like… well, it’s kind of like if a pizza delivery guy had to ride a bike instead of drive a car.” Cain apologized

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Survey Shows Majority of NU Students “Tired of This Bullshit”

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EVANSTON – A study done by the Department of Psychology revealed that Northwestern students have increasingly “had it with this stupid fucking shit,” researcher Don Kranz said. In a sentiment brought about by “this whole goddamned mess,” it appears that Northwestern students are increasingly threatening to “say fuck it and go to state school.” “Every day, it’s just a constant shit blizzard, and it’s like I forgot my fucking boots, and I’m just wading through this giant shit storm,” an