EVANSTON — In the spirit of celebrating diversity at Northwestern, the dining halls prepared a themed dinner in honor of Chinese New Year. There was a large variety of Chinese food to choose from, including Beef Lo Mein, Chicken Lo Mein, Shrimp Lo Mein and Pork Lo Mein.

The décor of the cafeteria also stayed true to the Chinese culture with fake firecrackers hanging from the ceilings and lots of gold trim. However, these efforts went unnoticed by the university’s Chinese populace.

Long lines of Asians were seen at the pizza counter while the themed counters could only manage to attract the occasional curious white student. When asked why he did not try the cultural foods, Bok Lee, an international student from China said, “Oh! That was Chinese food?”

Another student who tasted the egg custard tart for dessert said he really loved the quiche, but couldn’t understand why it was in the dessert section.

The Asians that did acknowledge the effort praised the music and foods for their originality.

“I’ve always heard of Kung Pao Chicken, but I’ve never had it before,” said Ching Hua. Ug Nah, an exchange student from Indonesia, however, thought the chicken and nuts combination reminded him of home.

The soundtrack of traditional Chinese instruments playing in the halls struck the Chinese students with curiosity.

“The music is very interesting. My great-great-great-great grandma told me about songs like these, but I never heard them in person,” said Mimi Li. “I must ask them which antique store they found the record in.”

Fortune cookies were also distributed at the stir-fry counter. All of them contained the message “That was dog meat.”

EVANSTON — With doomsday approaching at the end of 2012, people and communities are desperately seeking ways to do good and collect some positive karma. Northwestern University’s Panhellenic Association (PHA) is no exception. At the last Greek Life Summit, the Panhellenic board decreed that the sororities had to diversify their new pledge class, encouraging them to select members that are drastically different from the existing sisters. When asked if they believed the chapters would find this new law difficult to execute, PA representative Maggie Fayk responded, “Not at all! The girls have always wanted to reach out to the less fortunate.”

With very unique standards and stereotypes to dispel, each sorority is targeting a specific crowd. Some, however, have it harder than others. Alpha Theta Kappa are recruiting members that weigh 91 pounds rather than adhering to their usual crowd of 90 pound ladies. “We are so excited to finally have overweight in our family,” says Theta sister Barbie Jenson.

Other sororities are working towards making the Greek system more colorful. Delta Delta Delta Deltas are now welcoming strawberry blondes instead of the standard bleached-out types, and the “Dizzies” are starting to accept girls with a 2.0 GPA or higher.

Panhellenic will be awarding the sorority with the most diverse pledge class with wholegrain, fat-free donuts. “Our girls are so excited for this. It’s been a while since they had carbs,” says president of Kappa Gamma. Rumor has it that Delta Kappa is a strong contender for the prize, having recruited the president’s homosexual brother. The winner will be announced this Friday on the Northwestern PA website.

BREAKING: Reports are coming in saying that the decree for diversity does not extend from recruitment into the pledging process. Sources say that new pledges of Alpha Theta Kappa will be told to lose a pound.

Northwestern Professor Has No Fucking Clue How to Use a Microphone

EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system.

When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome Week is fair game.”

In addition, students will be expected to know information to be studied in class that has not been taught yet. “I am so sick of students immediately zoning out when I explain what will be covered in the next few classes,” Professor Dennis Snobb of the psychology department whined.

Northwestern officials are in complete agreement that this new policy can only benefit the school and its reputation. Not only will the early exams ensure that all the Essential NUs about sex and drug use will be known by heart, it will also finally put Northwestern in first place for something — the first school to have students “stress the fuck out” in the academic school year, even despite the late start date. “The knowledge on drug use will also come in handy when students are contemplating how to tackle these midterms,” said an NU healthcare official.

While some students seem indifferent to this new system, others have not taken the news so well. McCormick student John Amsmart fears that he will get his first A- on the exam: “I mean, I can regurgitate all the Essential NU material word-for-word, but what if they test me on the social stuff of welcome week? I don’t talk to people!”

To verify the claim of indolence that sparked this new policy, The Flipside interviewed students about their midterms so far. When asked how many midterms she had taken this quarter, Amy Aejun replied, “I just took my seventh one today.”

Amy will be taking her next midterm tomorrow.

EVANSTON — Since the beginning of Fall classes, students have reported to the Evanston Animal Control Bureau an alarming increase in the number of large, nocturnal creatures wandering around campus. Many students, aware of the abundance of wildlife in the area, have shrugged these unidentifiable fiends off as raccoons, due to the black circles around the creatures’ eyes.

Most witnesses report the raccoons meandering near the library or rolling down the stairs of Tech, leaving trails of graphing paper all the way to Slivka. When students were asked if this particular affinity for graphing paper was strange for raccoons, they merely stated, “Maybe they like the taste of graphing paper because the squares are like mini waffles.”

Further investigation has revealed the identity of these figures as insomniac engineers trekking the campus after a long night of work. This finding, however, has only caused the case of mistaken identities to worsen. Josh Talley, a Bienen sophomore returning from The Keg on Monday night, reportedly witnessed a freshman engineer roaming the campus: “He was wearing a striped sweater and had massive dark circles around his eyes. Poor guy, he seemed to be graying too.” The freshman was later discovered to be an actual raccoon.

This raccoon-engineer mix-up has resulted in serious ramifications for both freshmen and the animal protection community. Freshmen who entered with an undecided major are now opting to choose any major other than engineering. “I’ve always wanted to be a dinosaur, not a raccoon,” says Gemmy Burns, Weinberg freshman. Meanwhile, the Association for the Protection of Raccoons (APR) will speaking at the Rock next Monday about how the raccoon community is offended by being mistaken for engineers.

Other students have reported a large increase in annoying insects buzzing through campus, but a report by the EACB announced that these are just theater majors.