THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol.

Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen Noam Kupfer was one such new member.

“It was like a mosh pit at a concert, but without all the punk-rock chicks,” Kupfer said. “It was awesome. One of the best moments of my life,” he added.

Sororities also spent the entire week engaging on dispassionate girl-on-girl flirting to demonstrate the desirability of their social situation. Many sisters put on skits to show how fun and attractive they are.

The Greek girls were able to show off their superior social skills gained from being in a sorority, such as the knack for learning hometowns, majors, and campus activities. By doing this in a systematic manner, according to Quad-Delt president Hannah Andreasen, sororities show freshmen they really know how to meet people naturally and make friends.

All of this culminates in a celebratory party with people of the same sex and a bunch of secret, cool rituals, the likes of which have not been seen by freshmen since day camp.
“I can’t wait until my friends at home see how cool I am,” said Kupfer, referring to the 80 new same-sex friends he added on Facebook.

“I even heard there is a night when we get to sing and dance with girls,” whispers Kupfer, wearing his new fraternity t-shirt filled with Sharpied-on inside jokes to be promptly forgotten about.

SAN FRANCISCO – After protesting outside the Oakland financial markets for twenty minutes, the last businessman in Oakland stepped outside of his cardboard office and asked if any of the protestors wanted a job. In a stunning response, the protesters immediately left Oakland for San Francisco.

“We’re out here protesting for real American jobs, not Oakland jobs,” said Sarah Smalls, a leader of the former Occupy Oakland movement. “All we’re asking is to make a comparable amount of money as the people on Wall Street without doing much work.”

Smalls also cited a startling inequality: highly educated people are making more money than those who are less educated or unemployed.

“We thought Oakland was the right place to protest because it represents everything that is wrong with America,” Smalls said through a megaphone in a one-on-one interview. “Its name is bland, its police are not the nicest people, and it is the setting of Moneyball.”

“And we just want some of those balls,” the reporter imagines she added.

While all of Oakland’s middle class, who were eating at Chili’s on Fourteenth and Fairmont, were happy to see the protesters leave, the mayor expressed his disappointment in a public statement released on MySpace.

“We are deeply saddened to see the occupiers leave. The movement was a real boon to our economy and helped reverse the population decline in the city. We hope the occupiers come back to protest. Compared to Raiders fans, they were quite civil.”

HAMBURG, Holy Roman Empire – From the far West of Berlin to distant East Amsterdam, the entire world is up in arms over the hellfire hot new band The Flying Buttresses. With a repertoire full of popular ballads like “Hey You, Get off of My Pew,” “Us and Him,” and “I’ve Got 95 Theses but a Byzantine Ain’t One,” The Flying Buttresses are the most successful band in the Empire since The Painted Glass.

The Flying Buttresses have vaulted to the top of the charts thanks to young Bohemians and God. Bill, a blacksmith, is just one fan among the legions of TFB enthusiasts.

“These guys rock harder than my anvil,” quoth Bill. “They’re not afraid to go dark.”

“They’re totally bubonic,” Bill addeth.

The critics are also jumping on the Buttress wagon. Balthasar Hayworker, a serf known for his cast-iron pitchfork and acute taste, raves about such singles as “I Can See for Isles and Isles,” “Pumped Up Knickerbockers,” and “Smells Like the Holy Spirit.” The man on the corner holding a slate agrees.

But not all of the Empire has been converted to following the TFB. Horatio Hamburger, Hamburg’s eldest councilman, complained that The Flying Buttresses are just a bunch of rabblerousers.

“Kids these days,” quippeth Hamburger, 34.

Rumored titles on their next album include “Gaining My Religion,” “I’m Too Vaulted for My Ceiling,” “I’ll Meet You in the Vestibule (It’s Going Down),” and “Oh My God”

Northwestern Professor Has No Fucking Clue How to Use a Microphone

CHICAGO – On Saturday, 20,000 athletes ran in the Chicago Marathon including 500 participants from New York. The event, according to city officials, was as successful as the combination of a hot dog, pickle, relish, onions, mustard, sweet peppers and a little celery salt. Nobody from New York agreed.

“Where the fuck was Central Park?” asked 26-year-old Tony “The Tony” Margarita. “And why the hell did they not give out cigarettes at the water station?”

“Fuck your mother,” he added.

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room, that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction, and that the race was not as long as the New York Marathon.

Some people, including Milos Antic, the first place finisher from Africa, were happy the New Yorkers were there.

“Having so many New Yorkers in the race motivated me to run faster because I wanted to get as far away from them as possible,” said Antic in a phone interview. He did not have time to be interviewed in person as he was on his way to his second marathon of the day.

Chicago Marathon officials promise that they will try to be more accommodating to New Yorkers for the 2012 Marathon by sending them down narrower streets, raising the entrance fee, and hiring actors wearing Red Sox hats to fall behind them at every stage of the race.