CHICAGO – Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was.

“Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?”

“Nothing,” Atkins added.

Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition that it has old fashioned vantage points where spectators can barely see the game—NU students looked at Cubs fans spilling beer over themselves, not remotely paying attention to the game, and screaming obscenities at the White Sox, the umpire, the opposing fans, and each other.

“Where are the Cubs going?” asked Boston native Lauren Wallace as fans starting singing ‘Go Cubs, Go’ with two outs in the ninth.

Carlos Marmol proceeded to walk a batter with the bases loaded and then hit back to back batters, causing the Cubs to lose 5-4.

“There is always next year,” said Cubs fan and Medill Freshman Seth Bernstine. “But what if there isn’t? What if 2012 actually happens? What if Lou Pinalla spontaneously combusts as he argues with the umpire? What even is a year but an artificial timeline constructed by man? If time is artificial, do we even have time? Why am I here?”

Going back to the league’s roots, NBA Commissioner David Stern has replaced the NBA Cares initiative with the more accurate NBA Doesn’t Care policy.

“I was tired of seeing my superstars lying to the public,” explained Stern. “They really don’t give a shit about the community.”

Gone will be the forced commercials featuring little kids smiling while tall basketball players glance awkwardly at the camera pretending that this is what they want to be doing. Back again will be exciting clips of NBA players doing what NBA players do best: dunking a small ball into a hoop, getting tattoos, and driving expensive cars around.

“Thank God I don’t have to shovel snow with inner-city school kids anymore,” said 15-time All-Star Shaquille O’Neal. “Now I can get back to what I really care about—working on my free throws.”

NBA Doesn’t Care reverts back to neglecting the communities that support the league and who look up to athletes as role models.

“Seriously, why the hell are kids looking up to me as a role model?” asked Allen Iverson.

“Why we talkin’ about charity? I’m supposed to be the franchise player and we’re talking about charity. Not a game, not a game: charity,” Iverson added.  

However, projections show that NBA Doesn’t Care will generate more money than the older program due to its other provisions, added to compensate for the loss of revenue. Capital will be raised by allowing players to donate money to see refs physically swallow their whistles and dunk them in dunk tanks. Viewers will also be allowed to place bets on various refs fighting Rasheed Wallace in boxing matches.

EVANSTON – With students at Northwestern’s hea-a-a-a-a-a-rts already broken in excitement for Regina Spektor, Mayfest announced its second headliner for 2010 Dillo Day: Rabbi Joseph.

Famous for songs like “Shabbat Shalom!”, “Dreidel, Dreidel,” and “Give Me a Fucking Break, Palestine,” Rabbi Joseph’s name was a hard-won prize for NU. As with Spektor, Hillel contributed a large portion of their vast funding received through various donations, matzah sales, and Ponzi schemes. At least thirty percent of campus is schvitzing with excitement; many others are converting.

“Dude, Rabbi Joseph knows how to play that shofar,” says sophomore and future crowd surfer Levi Maccabi.

With the canting of Rabbi Joseph, the “Kosher Kid,” also comes new Dillo Day activities. There will be a hamantaschen station, matchmakers, and a cultural center to explain what this shit means.

One small issue, critics say, is that Dillo Day takes place on a Friday, the Jewish day of challah. This problem was put to rest, as “Rabbi Joseph will be too fucking wasted to care that he is playing on Shabbat,” according his website.

However, not everybody on campus was pleased with the choice. Students like John Mark Matthews, a member of the Harmony, Spirits and Redemption acapella show, are crusading for a different artist.

“I’m tired of Hillel running campus,” says Matthews, a blonde-haired, blue eyed junior. “Rabbi Joseph hasn’t produced something good since his Pink Floyd pseudo-sequel The Western Wall.”

For you, I made it seventy degrees. Now you can wear that new skirt you’ve been waiting to show off since, oh, late August. I mean, seriously, that low cut is really cute and everyone is looking at you, babe.

What’s that you say an hour later? It’s raining and fifty? My bad. I can’t help but make it rain on them slightly flirtatious but ultimately shy NU girls. If it makes you feel better, I’ll throw in a little hail tonight.

Doesn’t it feel great to sit out by the rocks enjoying the sun while various couples make out around you because their love is too vast to be withheld inside and in private? I just wanted you to know how it feels so I can take added pleasure when I make it forty and raining next week. This is sadder than Kyle Rowley transferring from Northwestern.

You’re in my world now. If you don’t like it, you can move to Pandora. Oh, it doesn’t actually exist? That must make you clinically depressed.

There is nothing I enjoy more than giving you a taste of the good before I make it snow in April. Well, except for notifying the annoying census workers they will be jobless by the end of the year. That is something you can count on.

EVANSTON — Around 3:30 a.m. on Friday, Northwestern sophomore Alec Miller overhauled his Facebook, including changing his interests to men, his status to “I love the smell of dick in the morning” and his birthday to that day.

“I no we have nott spoken in monkths,” writes Miller on his ex-girlfriend’s wall, “but my tiny dick misses you. XOXOXO.”

“I’m gay now,” he posted right after.

Miller also decided to rekindle relationships by starting chats with people from high school whose friend requests he accepted without checking to make sure he knew them.

“Honestly, I’m surprised he was so excited to talk to me,” says Rupert O’Flaherty, whose profile picture shows more acne than skin.

Overnight, Miller became a fan of “Women in the Workforce,” “Pearl Harbor,” “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and “The Herpes Helpline.”

When asked the next morning about the sudden changes, Miller asked “what the fuck are you talking about and how did you get into my room?”

EVANSTON – With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world.

Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available.

“We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be more on the ‘New’ than the ‘Journalism’.”

Non-Medill Northwestern students and faculty are also excited about the shift. The ratio of eight students to every one journalist will disappear, allowing people to walk to class without getting cornered for questions. Medill 2030 is also working on eliminating the presence of guilt-trippers handing out fliers.

Levine hopes Medill students are going to become with productive members of society that can potentially support a family of four, like janitors, mechanics, and benches.

Still, some remain in opposition to the change, maintaining that journalism remains a noble and viable profession. “If you go to Medill, you’re going to make it in the journalism world,” said Noam Kupfer, who became a professor after losing his job at the Tribune.

“Just kidding,” he added.