SKOKIE—The corpse of a local paper clip was found dead on the side of Interstate 94 late last night. The condition of the body made it difficult to recognize. After reconstructive analysis, the clip was identified as Clippy [actual name], a local office assistant. The last known photograph of the victim is shown to the left.

“While I won’t comment on the condition of the body, I will say that he won’t be helping anyone format any outlines in the near future,” said the police officer on the scene, Roland Graham. “Poor bastard.”

Evidence from the scene seems to indicate foul play. Aside from various baseball bats and crowbars, there was a boom box discovered at the scene, playing only “Die muthafucka die” on a loop.

Further research into the background of the victim has produced his hometown of Seattle, Washington. Residents from his neighborhood remember him as a tiny and extremely helpful.

“Whenever I would sit on my porch to write my Christmas card or send a note to my cousin, he would always walk by and ask, ‘It looks like you’re writing a letter. Want some help?’” said former Seattle resident Josie Summerstein. “He was so cute. I mean, he never really gave me any good advice, and in retrospect he pretty much screwed everything up all the time, but I appreciated the effort, you know?”

Memorial services will be held at Watson & Jackson Waste and Recycling Services, 2015 Washington Boulevard, from 5 to 9 PM.

EVANSTON—Transfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an “Assassins” rampage lately, “killing” six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics.

“He just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,” said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Booth’s victims. “It was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this crazy look on his face. And he shouted ‘Thus always to tyrants!’ right afterwards. I wasn’t really sure what his deal was.”

Booth’s next target is unknown, but reports have surfaced of the new student muttering something about a play being shown at Shanley Pavilion this weekend. It is rumored that an important figure will be attending that play, a very important figure indeed.

Anna Stevenson is one of the remaining females left. She plans to stay near a safe zone at all times. “My plan is simple, if I can stay in Willard cafeteria at all hours of the day, I can’t lose. The only problem is I can’t find any clean socks. I’ll just have to use the ones I’ve been wearing for three or so days now.”

Other students were taking a different angle on Booth’s killing spree. “Killing a lot is he? Well I’ll just have to ramp up my total, now won’t I?” said University of Texas-Dallas transfer Lee Harvey Oswald. “Will I have an accomplice? Maybe…or maybe not. Maybe I’ll have three! Game on, good sir, game on!”

EVANSTON—Oh shit it’s 4/20! Shit shit shit! What time is it? Holy 11:37!? That means I have … let me see … carry the three … 12 hours and 33 mi…no wait 12 hours and 24 minutes to smoke!

Where’s my stash, closet closet closet … crap it’s all gone! Must be Josh, that fucking weed-stealing d-bag, fucking stole all my fucking weed … where can I get some bud? Let me call Karl, he’ll have some … connecting … dammit connect! Karl! Karl it’s Doog! How’s it hangin broski … listen, dude, do you have any weed by any chance? C’mon man, it’s 4/20, can you help me score? YES sweet okay let me write it down … 3-8-6-6-7-9-9-0 Fairview Blvd. Okay sweet, thanks dawg!

Okay, I gotta get to this house man! What time…12:04!? I need to get there quick! Shit! Ummm … bike where’s my bike? Rack … no … garage … no … lawn … yes! Okay we are in gear. Okay, turn left, where’s Fairview, where’s Fairview, BIG TRUCK OH SHI

EVANSTON—Frigid economic conditions have shrunk the size of Northwestern’s endowment, according to new reports from President Bienen’s office. University spokesman Steven Westerstein released a statement yesterday downplaying the so-called “shrinkage” effect on NU’s performance.

“We here at Northwestern University have always felt that it’s not about the size of the endowment, but how you use it that really matters. Besides, it’s not like our endowment is that small. At least we’re still bigger than Wash U.”

Northwestern student reactions were very mixed about the news of the endowment’s shriveling. “Oh, that concerns me a lot. The main reason I decided to go here was the size of the endowment,” said Weinberg junior Melissa Bergson. “I don’t know if my experience will be quite the same anymore.”

“I think a lot of universities are concerned too much with endowment size,” said SESP freshman Julie Howitzers. “They don’t realize that students don’t really care that much. NU has a lot of other great benefits besides its endowment. It just has a strong personality, which is important to me.”

In his final months at Northwestern, President Bienen wants to extend the life of Northwestern pride far beyond his tenure. “The goal is to keep it going in the long run. We’ve been around since 1851, so there will always be some bumps in the road. We just need to stay focused to extend our prosperity.

The dwindling size of NU’s endowment presents a problem to school administrators. “Once the stock market warms back up,” explains Westerstein, “we’ll be back to normal size. Hopefully, with our endowment re-erected, performance will return to normal.”

JUNEAU, AK—Alaska Governor and former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin is suffering from Post-Traumatic Election Tourette’s Syndrome, say doctors at Juneau Central Medical Center. The Governor was rushed to the hospital from her hometown of Wasilla on Wednesday, January 28th and has been observation ever since.

“I saw her walking down the street, and went over to give her a hello, and all she could say was ‘Maverick maverick 9/11 terrorist Joe sixpack.’ I was so confused,” said Wasilla resident and acquaintance Joanne Mores. “At first, I thought she was making some sort of ironic, witty self-deprecating joke, but she just kept going and wouldn’t stop. ‘Pit bull earmarks bridge to nowhere Putin.’ I didn’t know what to do.”

Doctor James Bradford, chief of long-term care at Juneau Central, offered this information about Palin’s condition: “The stress of the election clearly caused some sort of neural disconnect between the thalamus and the frontal cortex of her brain. Unfortunately, this may never be curable.”

When asked for comment, the Governor herself replied only with, “Hockey mom real America maverick drill baby drill fuck Katie Couric.”

EVANSTON—In a breaking story just reported by Fox News and confirmed by Flipside investigative journalists, Northwestern University president-elect Morton O. Schapiro has been exposed as having attended an extremist Muslim Madrasah as a child.

Schapiro attended the Conway, New Hampshire-based East Parkway Elementary Madrasah from 1958 to 1963. The Madrasah’s administrators could not be reached for comment.

The blogging community, on the other hand, had much to say about this latest development. “[H]es a closet [epithet deleted]!” said SecndAmendmntRulz_218 of the blog jihadwatch.com. “[T]hey r gonna tak over America.”

Other public figures were far more open to this development. “I think this is a great step forward for us as a country . . . to have the president of one of our elite research universities be a Muslim. I see the dawning of a new day in American culture. And hey, maybe he’ll be more open to my ‘anti-whitey’ initiatives,” said Louis Farrakhan of the Nation of Islam.

Other rumors casting a shroud over Schapiro’s selection include allegations of “palling around” with a rabbi who eats non-kosher meats, not wearing a Northwestern lapel pin during public appearances, and an amateur video showing the president-elect not standing and clapping along to NU’s fight song, “Go U Northwestern.”

When asked to comment on these charges, Schapiro’s administrative assistant, Carol Neilson, responded, “What the fuck?”