EVANSTON – During last week’s heat wave, the sheets of ice on top of the Norris ice rink melted away, allowing a Northwestern student to make a startling discovery: the frozen corpse of an NU student dated at 4000 years old.

“This is a fantastic find,” explained NU professor Dr. Harry Tooth, “The remarkably well-preserved state of the body will give us a great idea of what college life was like during the dawn of man.” Tooth explained that the corpse, as with most such findings, would be named after the discoverer. “We are really excited to have Chet in our lab. He can teach us a lot of new things about ancient university students.”

Chet was found with all his clothing still preserved. He wore a shirt containing hieroglyphics which experts claim translate loosely to “Bros Before Hos”. Chet also wore a long white robe, wooden sandals, and, unsurprisingly, a North Face winter jacket.

Scientists are trying to use Chet’s body to understand the way he lived. “The key to understanding Chet,” explained Dr. Tooth, “is to figure out what he was doing when he got stuck in a blizzard. Most people I have talked to agree that he was probably on an ambrosia run to Epsilon-Vega I or headed to pick up some papyrus from VII/XI. Personally, I am not ruling out the possibility that he may have been headed to his fraternity for that year’s ‘Gone Sumerian Night’. That would explain his hurried pose.”

A hat was found next to Chet in the ice. It appears to date from the same time period, as it reads “Northwestern Basketball Big Ten Champions BC 2004″, celebrating the team’s most recent appearance in the NCAA tournament.

EVANSTON – Northwestern University sent out an emergency alert on Monday after a man was seen gratifying himself in the showers in the men’s locker room at Henry Crown Sports Pavilion & Aquatic Center.

Two juveniles reported that they heard the self-satisfied moans of the rogue gratifier as he told himself what a “sick workout” he had just completed. “It was really freaky,” explained one of the bystanders, “he just stood there, naked, in the shower, congratulating himself on his new personal squat record.” The witnesses reportedly asked the man to stop patting himself on the back, but that only egged on him on. “Let’s see you kids lift that much weight,” he purportedly exclaimed, “I deserve a nice long sauna session after that one!”

The witness told The Flipside that “every time we tried to talk him down, he just kept stroking his ego more and more. He wouldn’t stop gushing about the 7 minute mile he had just run or the size of the steak he was going to eat.” The witness then described the climax of the self-gratification: “All of a sudden, his body went very stiff, and he then flexed his biceps brashly. “I remember he shouted out a loud ‘YEAH!’ followed by an exuberant, ‘Check out how SWOLE I am!’”

The university report stated that the witnesses could not provide a detailed description of the man. “They described him as muscled, half-naked, and arrogant,” a university representative explained, “which narrows it down to the entirety of North Campus.”

In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below:

2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush”

2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and earthquakes within my pants. It’s about to get stormy in there, ladies.

2013: Win a bowl game. That’s right. His Highness Morton O. Schapiro is going to play all 22 positions and personally kick the shit out of whatever weak-ass state school dares get in my way. And unlike that pussy Dan Persa, you’ll need to take out both of my Achilles tendons to stop me.

2014: It’s too cold in Evanston. I will fix this by stopping the earth’s orbit during the summer season. It is going to be fucking Florida up in here. IF YOU CAN’T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUT DA 847.

2015: I will have the economy fixed by this year. That should be enough to get me elected king. And if not, who cares? I’ll be richer than rich. Bitches bout to be occupyin’ ME.

2016: Clone myself. And that clone is a transformer. And that transformer is the New Student Center.

2017: I will have the purple sweater vest become a mandatory part of the NU uniform. Yeah, we’re going to keep it classy. Whole campus ‘bout to be lookin’ like a casual dinner party.

2018: NU will become the #1 academic school in the nation. This will be because every student at every school above us will be murdered, in cold blood, by the Mo-Dawg himself.

2019: Northwestern University in Qatar? No. Northwestern University ON THE MOON. Yeah, you heard me. I’ll breathe enough for all of you weaklings. Plus, the low gravity would mean our basketball team would actually be able to dunk.

2020: Invent Time Machine. Repeat.

EVANSTON – Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.

Some first-time fans were impressed by the game of football, like Woo Jin Sun Kim, who goes by Ben. “Getting back from the game reminded me of traveling around Beijing,” said Ben, the father of a sophomore economics major. “And that one guy with the headphones and the angry face, he seemed really into it.”

The Asian population was also impressed by the blind obedience displayed after the third quarter during “Put your hands up in the air,” even if most people looked like they didn’t want to participate. Others noted that the players worked very hard but are getting paid very little. Finally, the fact that there seemed to be many more men then girls at the game reminded some newcomers of home.

“We looked great against Rice,” one of them said. “I haven’t been watching all year, but we must have a great record.”

There were, however, some dissidents. Several attendees complained about being unable to see over the tall people standing in front of them. Others said that it was hard to distinguish the players from each other. By far the most complaints, however, related to the general inefficiency of having 4,000 of America’s brightest minds getting belligerently drunk to watch men in tights grab each other for three hours.

“We heard there was going to be rice at the game,” said local Evanstonian Koi Cosy. “And it wasn’t even BYO!”

Accord was reached on one topic, however. All of the Asian parents agreed that the foam finger was a great giveaway because the parents will be very happy to know their kids are number one.

TRIPOLI – An autopsy performed on the body of Muammar Gaddafi revealed that the former Libyan premier died not from a gunshot wound as was originally believed but instead from blunt force trauma sustained when he tripped over the spelling of his own name. He promptly went tumbling down the stairs in his Sirte safe house, causing internal injuries from which he would not recover.

One of Gaddafi’s right hand men, Tarek Al-Abgari, confirmed this finding. “He was just standing at the top of the stairs, shouting ‘all power to Gaddafi!’ when he suddenly stopped. “’Or wait,’ I remember him saying, ‘is it GA-daffi or KHA-daffi with that hard throaty sound?’ As he contemplated this his legs began to wobble and we all began to worry for his safety.”

Al-Abgari claimed that he, along with Gaddafi’s other assistants, attempted to move in and steady their leader, but they failed when they too had to stop and contemplate the proper spelling of his name. “I was reading the New York Post the other day and they used ‘Khadafy,’” Al-Abgari remembers thinking, “and I had to ruminate about whether or not it was kosher to just substitute in the y at the end like that.”

Gaddafi finally lost his balance as he tripped over the symbols used in the written form of his name. “What is that squiggly thing over the second a in ‘Gaddafi,’” Al-Abgari remembers him saying, “and how do you pronounce the apostrophe in ‘Mu’ammahhaaaaaaaaahhoofowoofowuh—” Gaddafi could have been saved with immediate attention, but his aides were too busy attempting a Sporcle quiz that asked for every acceptable spelling of Gaddafi’s name and thus could not attend to their leader.

In other news, a Gaddafi sympathizer died of asphyxiation after the sounds of his choking were mistaken for a mourning cry of “Gaddafi!” and thus not given proper medical action.

WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that the conservative base needs a “charismatic, smooth-talking leader able to embrace some liberal notions, a mold fit perfectly by Mr. Obama.” Hannity also noted Obama’s history in the White House as a point in his favor. “What better way to prepare for the office of the president,” he reasoned, “than being in the office of the president?”

Obama’s GOP campaign is seen as particularly strong in Iowa, where his skill set seems tailor-made for success. “Based on previous evidence, Obama’s ability to give rousing speeches in Iowa is off the charts,” explained Hannity. “I think his remarkable oratory skill is exactly what the Republican Party needs to win a battle of wits against that other orator whom the Democrats have nominated.”

In fact, Obama is seen as a perfect candidate based in large part on how well he matches up against his theoretical liberal counterpart. Obama, many conservative pundits believe, has exactly the leadership skills and ability to make tough decisions that could topple President Obama. “It’s funny,” Hannity remarked, “he’s so self-assured. He acts like he’s already won the presidency. I love his confidence.”

If Obama doesn’t work out, the Republican Party may pursue former President John F. Kennedy instead. “Kennedy’s oratory prowess makes him a viable candidate,” Hannity told The Flipside, “Now, I wonder where he’s living these days?”