EVANSTON – Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.”

Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left out of the camaraderie. “I asked my friend for his ACE bandage right away, but I didn’t think he’d just give it to me. With Nelly coming to town I thought they’d be in high demand, but my friend was like, ‘uh…sure dude.’ I’ve been getting weird looks all day today,” he continued, “ and it’s probably because this thing really smells like shit.”

The Chicago native is always up on the signature accessories of various artists. “I made sure to wear my prescription sunglasses to the U2 show I went to, so I could look just like Bono. Then, when KISS swung by, I brought out the red war paint. I love being hip like all the other people in this city.”

Meanwhile, freshman Keisha Green was similarly ridiculed for wearing a neck brace during the Nelly set. She should regain a full range of motion in her body within 3 weeks.

Katherine Eisner, a Weinberg economics major, was dismayed to hear that she would be once again learning about the famous Prisoner’s Dilemma in her game theory class. “Great,” sighed an exasperated Eisner, “just great. I don’t think it stuck the first 12 times I learned it, but 13th time’s the charm, right?”

“The Prisoner’s Dilemma is a fundamental and central example in the field of game theory,” explained Joan Docter, Eisner’s professor, “and it is impossible to proceed without first reviewing this basic concept.” Eisner’s reply was simple: “I really don’t care. I swear to god, if I hear about each individual’s likelihood to defect one more time, I will flip. There won’t be any hope for a cooperative equilibrium after that.”

“I would ignore it,” the junior explained, “but I know there will be that one question on the test about tit for tat, and that shit always gets me. I don’t have a choice besides showing up and listening to the definition of ‘iteration’ again.”

Eisner believes that the constant repetition of the Prisoner’s Dilemma prevents students from learning more important concepts. “We could be learning about so many more interesting things if not for this damn concept. For instance, every time I think about the Prisoner’s Dilemma, I get a headache. I guess there’s a causal link between the two. Now there’s something that would be interesting to learn about.”

EVANSTON – Civilians rejoiced on Wednesday after learning that vice president elect Hiro Kawashima had in fact saved Claire “The Cheerleader” Lew from the clutches of the sinister Alessio “Sylar” Manti. “Yatta!” exclaimed a delighted Kawashima as he stood next to the uninjured Lew, “I wish I could stop time right in this very moment.”

Things were looking grim for Claire and Hiro yesterday after Manti made a promise to “inherit the thoughts of [current President] Mike McGee.” He claimed that he was “stronger than ever” and that “no one can stop me now, not even you, Claire.” McGee has not been seen since.
Kawashima explained the thrilling 24 hours that followed to The Flipside: “I was ready to give up until my future self reminded me: Save the Cheerleader, save the world, save ASG. That’s when I knew I had to help her.”

The tumultuous final battle seemed to be tilting toward Manti and his running mate Adam Thompson-Harvey after Manti drove an incisive listserv email through Lew’s heart. However, she was able to recover, and with the help of both Kawashima and NU President Morton Shapiro (whose ability to fly proved invaluable), Claire was able to triumph.

“I’m glad they won,” said Medill junior Sarah Renner, “I just hope they don’t get significantly worse next season… I mean, quarter.”

WILLIAMSBURG, BROOKLYN — Rabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. “We noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,” explained Cohen, “and thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.” Cohen’s bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption.

The contest to design the mascot received over 1000 submissions, including Harry the Hard Boiled Egg, Gil the Gefilte Fish, and Peter the Parsley-dipped-in-saltwater. Jacob Rubenstein of Teaneck, NJ submitted the winning design. When asked why he thinks he won, Rubenstein answered, “I know a guy.”

Schleppy plush dolls have hit the market en masse. Each doll can utter several phrases, including “Have a happy Passover”, “I found the Afikomen”, and “What’s the deal with airplane food, anyways?” Approximately 100,000 Schleppy dolls were sold in the first day alone, with only 45,000 returned for store credit.

KOSHER has also expressed interest in holding a new “Sunday Shabbat” before the beginning of the holiday and organizing a matzah ball hunt at the local JCC.

Unfortunately, Schleppy’s future is in doubt after two KOSHER members were named in the recent Passover scandal, Yeastgate.

EVANSTON – WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.”

Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed one too many shots of Smirnoff. “I got 19 phone calls, 31 texts, and 44 emails from this guy,” explained Rivers, “and the one time I picked up my phone this male voice was like ‘Yo brah, so fuckin schwasted right now. Just like anyone who gets shot by this gunman. Peace, bro.’”

Several NU students posted messages they received to the popular site “Texts From Last Night”, where the front page featured the entry, “(847) FUCK MAN still lookin 4 the gunman…goddamn I’m so high.”

At the time of the crisis, the disembodied emergency notification voice was reportedly indulging with the infamously cheerful voice of the Northwestern’s Health Service’s automated answering service. In addition to the Chicago campus shooter, several cases of rampant mononucleosis and pregnancy were also reported. The two debauched voices recruited a venerable dream team (including the voices of Morgan Freeman, Don LaFontaine, and James Earl Jones) to search for threats to campus safety. All allegations have since been refuted as mere drug-induced hallucinations.

NU Emergency Notifications probably owes its life to the final emergency message it sent to the Northwestern community before its collapse in a disreputable Chicago neighborhood: “Awwwmaan. Fuckkkk.  I thhnjima paaassss ouu–”

Though Emergency Notifications survived, the Northwestern community won’t be hearing from it for a long while… the voice accidentally butt-dialed its mother during the bender and is now grounded indefinitely.

EVANSTON – As freshman Jared Blumenthal prepared to go to sleep last Thursday night, he did not think he would be setting history. However, as he turned off his desk lamp, he quipped, “I love lamp,” a quote from the Will Ferrell comedy Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. At the moment the words left his mouth, streamers rained down from the ceiling. Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” began to play as Bob Barker entered the small dorm room to make a big announcement: Blumenthal had just made the millionth out-of-context Anchorman reference.

“The shock still hasn’t worn off,” explained the startled freshman, “I knew I was making an incredibly obvious and ill-fitting reference, but I didn’t realize it was such a significant obvious and ill-fitting reference.”

The university plans to commemorate the occasion by screening Anchorman at Tech Auditorium this Saturday, allowing the three NU students who haven’t it to leave their rocks and join in on the out-of-context quotation bonanza. Blumenthal is expected to give a keynote address before the film. “It’s an honor to be such an important part of Anchorman-quoting history,” he said, “this is a proud day for douchebags everywhere.”

In other news, junior Keith Remsen quoted a line from the cult film Eraserhead for the third time ever. There was no notable celebration, but his two friends were seen chuckling contently to themselves for getting the reference.

Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations
By Professor John McSnoot

Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought.

There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning. They just beat around the bush and never get to the point and just repeat the same thing over and over and use way too many long, winding run-on sentences that could have easily been separated into several smaller sentences for increased clarity.

Other students do include examples, but they try to force a fit to include a direct quote. It reminds me of the politician Richard Nixon, who once famously stated, “I am not a crook!” Don’t do this in your paper, because it isn’t correct. (And you also shouldn’t use contractions.)

In conclusion, as I stated in my intro, throughout history, people have ended essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers.  They also use their conclusion to restate their introduction instead of finishing with a separate thought.

Most young writers end their essays too abruptly.

TAMPA – Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release.

One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside the parking garage behind Northwestern’s Tampa hotel. A second accidentally traveled to Australia, taking the bowl’s name a little too literally. A third ruptured a disk during practice the day before the game. “We have a sticky running back situation,” said Fitzgerald, “one back is out back, another back is out in the Outback, and a third back threw out his back the day before the Outback.”

Fitzgerald explained that although going to Tampa for nothing was hard on his team, there is still hope. “We went out to the Outback and back, but don’t count us out. We’ll be back.” He then dismissed the reporters to attend the postseason barbecue by saying, “As for questions, when you’re out, there’s baby back out back. Don’t hold back, pig out!”

Northwestern hopes that if they cannot return to the Outback Bowl, that they will at least make the Insight bowl in Phoenix. “The Insight is in sight,” said Fitzgerald, “but only if we incite sightings of great play.”