EVANSTON – Many students were shocked to hear last week that Professor J. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class would not be offered next year, but the campus was in an even greater uproar after hearing that the administration had canceled sex itself for the 2011-12 academic year.

“At this point,” President Morton Schapiro explained in a press release, “we need to rethink how sex fits into the lives of our undergraduates. We’ve received complaints that sex exists at Northwestern for pure ‘shock value,’ and we want to be sure of its practical applications before we reopen it to the student body.”

Student response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly negative. “I can’t believe they cancelled sex,” lamented WCAS freshman Alyssa Sheldon. “Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.” Many students agreed with Sheldon’s frustrations, and watching unsatisfied undergrads erase sex from their day planners has become common around campus. “I understand some sex may have been a little uncalled for,” continued Sheldon, “but this seems like a really drastic decision.”

Sales of sex toys to NU students have risen dramatically. “Those young whippersnappers cleaned me out,” said Gene Piselli, the owner of “Gene’s Fucksaws and Sundries,” a sex shop in Wrigleyville. “Even if the university bans sex, it won’t stop genitalia from existing.”

In response to Northwestern’s new policy, several sex-addicted students have decided to transfer to BYU, citing the school’s “more open attitude with regards to human sexuality” as a top selling point.

The university has reported its next target will be defecation, which it says “promotes a culture of crude, scatological, and generally immature behavior not representative of the Northwestern brand.”

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – Insurgents everywhere were shocked to hear of the death of hardworking everyman Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the line of duty on Sunday just one week before his retirement. His peers remember him as a blue-collar, tough fundamentalist who shouldn’t have insisted on performing one last jihad before hanging up his sandals for the final time.

“Everyone at the compound loved him,” lamented Ayman al-Zawahiri, who served for many years as bin Laden’s partner, “Every morning he brought two dozen falafel to the office. It always brightened everyone’s day. We’re sad to see him pass on so close to his retirement.”

Al-Zawahiri tried to prevent bin Laden from his regular reconnaissance, but the wanted criminal insisted. “Come on, he told me,” the militant explained, “’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’ I wish I had known, so I could have stopped him.” An American sniper first aimed at al-Zawahiri, but bin Laden pushed him out of the way and took the bullet. “It was a brave act,” said the new Al-Qaeda leader, “and just goes to show how gosh-darn selfless Osama was.”

The card that all of bin Laden’s fellow terrorists signed for his retirement party had to be quickly edited; it currently hangs in the Al-Qaeda break room as a makeshift vigil, on which coworkers have placed items symbolic of their relationships with the radical insurgent, including food wrappers, packs of smokes, and at least one Furby. “He always had a weakness for Furbies,” explained a teary eyed al-Zawahiri, “he used to…used to…oh I can’t take it anymore.”

Al-Zawahiri, 59, just ordered the last piece for his life-size model railroad. It is expected to arrive in two weeks. “Every morning I wait excitedly for the mailman to come. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my life’s work will be complete very soon.”

TRIPOLI – Rebels fighting against the oppressive regime of Muammar Gaddafi in Libya rejoiced in the streets after learning that Barack Obama had signed executive order “Hydro Cannon,” allowing the brave insurgency to arm itself with the latest line of NERF Super Soaker water guns.

“At last,” the unnamed rebel leader told The Flipside, “This is a gift from Allah. Not only can we have our revenge against the tyrannic rule; my son Khaled can now have the best backyard barbecue birthday party ever.” The leader could not answer any more questions, as he had to go plan Operation Goody Bag.

Tripoli resident Hassan Ahmed shared a similar viewpoint. “We will make Gaddafi tremble as his army slips and slides. It will rain blood…and also jets of water from NERF’s new Thunderstorm line, now with easy loading action!”

Some rebels are not pleased with the US government’s actions. “So this is how they try to placate us,” argued Abbas Mohammed of Misrata. “If the US really cared about the Libyan people, we would be receiving the NERF Tornado Strike with rotating barrel for ultimate wetness.” But the outdated nature of the Thunderstorm line wasn’t Mohammed’s only problem. “How does Obama expect us to have the self-control necessary to turn this magic water fountain on our enemies?” To wit, he gestured around him, where many insurgents had already begun shooting jets of water into their own parched mouths.

Despite the drawbacks, this action has reportedly shaken Gaddafi. A source close to the Libyan leader reported that he had been seen crying in his room, screaming the words “I wanted a Super Soaker, too! Wahh!”

Some Bitch Talking in Library

Eco-Conscious NU to Discontinue Lighting Sheridan Road

EVANSTON – Contrary to popular belief, it was leaked yesterday that a local businessman, not famous hip-hop performer B.o.B, will perform at Dillo Day. “I was really excited about B.o.B,” said Comm sophomore Dani Ward, “but I guess Bob is good too. I hear he makes an awesome hot dog on the grill.”

An article in several outlets claimed that the popular rapper had posted a tour date on his website that coincided with Dillo Day, but the reporters had actually looked under the wrong tab; Dillo Day 2011 was listed under “Places I don’t fuck with,” not “Tour.” “Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know. I thought I’d put a note on my website so that my fans know that won’t be seeing me messin’ around at Dillo.”

Bob is well known for his high-energy live show, which includes fascinating anecdotes about Jeff from work and his spot-on Charlie Sheen impersonation. It is believed that the timeliness of this impersonation is what made Bob such an expensive act to bring. “People who can do a funny Charlie Sheen voice at dinner parties are in high demand,” explained one Mayfest rep, “so we figured we’d lock up Bob before Sheen does anything else crazy.”

The Flipside was able to get an exclusive interview with the elusive Bob. When questioned about his upcoming Dillo Day performance, Bob responded, “Uh…what?”

[by SAMMG2000]

Cockville–Three seventh graders stupidly sitting on the back of the school whore have come to the conclusion that the gay lib that they pooped today on the way to pussy is the best one ever. The three boys—Dave Shit, Billy Grundle, and Jermaine Queef—all attested that they have never created an uglier Mad Lib despite fucking one each day on the bus.

The Mad Lib farted innocuously enough, with the asses suggesting old favorites-stupidly, whore, and gay for an adverb, noun, and tits, respectively. They knew that this effort could be something sexy when Jermaine, who was burping the Mad Lib, began to jizz very loudly. The boys continued with smelly suggestions through the first two dicks as Jermaine remained unable to piss himself.

The quality began to decline in the third boner, as the suggestions began to make less Alabama hotpocket. Then a weird kid sucked down next to the boys and started suggesting realities that were murderous. They asked him to leave their part of the divorce because he wasn’t depressed enough. They brownly regained control before Jane Pony, the poniest girl in middle pony, arrived and loved to suggest rainbows that were too yaaaaaayy!! Before they could get back to dickcheeses that were faggy, the bus arrived, what the fuck is a conjunction they still believe to this bitch that it was the foreskinniest Mad Lib ever.

After failing to receive an Academy Award for Best Director nomination for his sci-fi film Inception this year and his superhero movie The Dark Knight in 2008, director Christopher Nolan announced today that he plans to plant the idea of a nomination in the head of each Academy member via the inception technique. “I specialize in a very specific kind of vote rigging.” explained Nolan, “Subconscious vote rigging.”

Nolan laid out his detailed plan to The Flipside. “I plan on taking the Academy out for Chinese food and slipping a sleeping drug into its collective lo mein. From they’re, its up to Cobb and Eames to finish—I mean, it’s time for them to vote.”

The director claimed that this tactic has worked for other nominees this year. “I heard that James Franco pinned them all under a rock until they agreed to nominate him. Christian Bale beat them up until they nominated him for The Fighter. And don’t even get me started on Natalie Portman.”

Nolan has attempted similar tactics in the past, with no success. “I had Bale do the Batman voice at them after Batman Begins. Would’ve used Ledger after The Dark Knight, but that turned to be… less viable. As for Memento, well, you’ll have to get back to me on that one.”

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged his support for Nolan’s plan, hoping that the inception will secure him a Best Actor nomination. However, he has recently expressed reservations. Asked to explain his worries, he stood up and yelled, “WE MUST GO DEEPER.” Dicaprio has not been seen since.

By Sam Gutelle

EVANSTON – Homeless NU student Peter Soren, recently evicted due to the enforcement of Evanston’s so called “brothel law,” has reportedly been seen frequently sleeping over at an apartment rented by three of his friends. “He just sleeps in our spare bedroom,” explained Brandon Burrell, one of the three tenants. “Sometimes it seems like he sleeps over every day.”

Soren, who had previous lived in the apartment before the enforcement of the law, says he is glad to have such hospitable friends. “I had a real scare for a while, but it looks like I’ve finally settled in and found a place to live– er, sleep at sometimes.” Soren has been seen giving random checks to Burrell about once a month. “I just like to be a nice guy,” explained the WCAS junior. “He’s really into giving me gifts,” added Burrell, “especially on the first of the month. Funny the way that works out.”

Soren sleeps over so frequently that he apparently leaves things lying around when he departs in the morning. “I just completely left my desk lamp there the other day. And my printer! I don’t even know why I brought it in the first place, but, um, oops,” he lamented, “I’m just so forgetful sometimes.”

Burrell explained that he accidentally forgot his keys on the counter when he left one morning. “Oh, crap,” he told the Flipside, “totally forgot my keys. Hope someone picks them up—oh wait, here’s a text from Pete. He found them and will drop them off today. He’s such a considerate guest.”

Since the enforcement of the law, the number of off-campus slumber parties has risen by 200%. “I think it has something to do with those hipsters,” explained NU President Morton Schapiro, “they’re really into that whole retro thing. I guess seventh-grade is in right now.”

By Dermot Dinklewax

Hello, my fellow male and female humanoid creatures. I think it’s time we faced some uncomfortable facts. We were lied to. It is AD 2011 – a year that should only be written in Futura Bold – and yet our automobile transportation remains squarely on the ground. COME ON, guys. It’s the future. Let’s get on that. I want to be chillin’ like Bruce Willis in The 5th Element within the next year, or I’m leaving. I’ll go to Mars. Swear to god, I will.

Speaking of Mars, WHERE ARE THE ALIENS? I figured by this point I would have my mind replaced with some sort of Venusian vegetable, but apparently I was being too optimistic. Hop to it, aliens. Get off your lazy asses and come conquer us. I ask just one small favor of you, and you’re too busy procrastinating. You’ve got planets to dominate now. There will be plenty of time afterward for as much Martian Mario Kart as you want.

As long as we’re complaining here, how come I don’t live in a dystopia? How hard can it be to completely suppress free will? We were supposed to have this shit in 1984. Instead we got, like, Bryan Adams. Some tradeoff. If we don’t have dystopias, how can we have badass, anti-dystopian rebels? THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS. Let’s stop listening to the Black Eyed Peas and start total censorship of information, please.

I was going to say that I was disappointed by 2011’s lack of sentient, human-like robots as well. However, after turning on C-SPAN, I am assured that there’s at least one prediction that the movies got right. You nailed it, Blade Runner. Now where’s my sexy computerized assistant?