[by SAMMG2000]

Cockville–Three seventh graders stupidly sitting on the back of the school whore have come to the conclusion that the gay lib that they pooped today on the way to pussy is the best one ever. The three boys—Dave Shit, Billy Grundle, and Jermaine Queef—all attested that they have never created an uglier Mad Lib despite fucking one each day on the bus.

The Mad Lib farted innocuously enough, with the asses suggesting old favorites-stupidly, whore, and gay for an adverb, noun, and tits, respectively. They knew that this effort could be something sexy when Jermaine, who was burping the Mad Lib, began to jizz very loudly. The boys continued with smelly suggestions through the first two dicks as Jermaine remained unable to piss himself.

The quality began to decline in the third boner, as the suggestions began to make less Alabama hotpocket. Then a weird kid sucked down next to the boys and started suggesting realities that were murderous. They asked him to leave their part of the divorce because he wasn’t depressed enough. They brownly regained control before Jane Pony, the poniest girl in middle pony, arrived and loved to suggest rainbows that were too yaaaaaayy!! Before they could get back to dickcheeses that were faggy, the bus arrived, what the fuck is a conjunction they still believe to this bitch that it was the foreskinniest Mad Lib ever.

After failing to receive an Academy Award for Best Director nomination for his sci-fi film Inception this year and his superhero movie The Dark Knight in 2008, director Christopher Nolan announced today that he plans to plant the idea of a nomination in the head of each Academy member via the inception technique. “I specialize in a very specific kind of vote rigging.” explained Nolan, “Subconscious vote rigging.”

Nolan laid out his detailed plan to The Flipside. “I plan on taking the Academy out for Chinese food and slipping a sleeping drug into its collective lo mein. From they’re, its up to Cobb and Eames to finish—I mean, it’s time for them to vote.”

The director claimed that this tactic has worked for other nominees this year. “I heard that James Franco pinned them all under a rock until they agreed to nominate him. Christian Bale beat them up until they nominated him for The Fighter. And don’t even get me started on Natalie Portman.”

Nolan has attempted similar tactics in the past, with no success. “I had Bale do the Batman voice at them after Batman Begins. Would’ve used Ledger after The Dark Knight, but that turned to be… less viable. As for Memento, well, you’ll have to get back to me on that one.”

Leonardo DiCaprio has pledged his support for Nolan’s plan, hoping that the inception will secure him a Best Actor nomination. However, he has recently expressed reservations. Asked to explain his worries, he stood up and yelled, “WE MUST GO DEEPER.” Dicaprio has not been seen since.

By Sam Gutelle

EVANSTON – Homeless NU student Peter Soren, recently evicted due to the enforcement of Evanston’s so called “brothel law,” has reportedly been seen frequently sleeping over at an apartment rented by three of his friends. “He just sleeps in our spare bedroom,” explained Brandon Burrell, one of the three tenants. “Sometimes it seems like he sleeps over every day.”

Soren, who had previous lived in the apartment before the enforcement of the law, says he is glad to have such hospitable friends. “I had a real scare for a while, but it looks like I’ve finally settled in and found a place to live– er, sleep at sometimes.” Soren has been seen giving random checks to Burrell about once a month. “I just like to be a nice guy,” explained the WCAS junior. “He’s really into giving me gifts,” added Burrell, “especially on the first of the month. Funny the way that works out.”

Soren sleeps over so frequently that he apparently leaves things lying around when he departs in the morning. “I just completely left my desk lamp there the other day. And my printer! I don’t even know why I brought it in the first place, but, um, oops,” he lamented, “I’m just so forgetful sometimes.”

Burrell explained that he accidentally forgot his keys on the counter when he left one morning. “Oh, crap,” he told the Flipside, “totally forgot my keys. Hope someone picks them up—oh wait, here’s a text from Pete. He found them and will drop them off today. He’s such a considerate guest.”

Since the enforcement of the law, the number of off-campus slumber parties has risen by 200%. “I think it has something to do with those hipsters,” explained NU President Morton Schapiro, “they’re really into that whole retro thing. I guess seventh-grade is in right now.”

By Dermot Dinklewax

Hello, my fellow male and female humanoid creatures. I think it’s time we faced some uncomfortable facts. We were lied to. It is AD 2011 – a year that should only be written in Futura Bold – and yet our automobile transportation remains squarely on the ground. COME ON, guys. It’s the future. Let’s get on that. I want to be chillin’ like Bruce Willis in The 5th Element within the next year, or I’m leaving. I’ll go to Mars. Swear to god, I will.

Speaking of Mars, WHERE ARE THE ALIENS? I figured by this point I would have my mind replaced with some sort of Venusian vegetable, but apparently I was being too optimistic. Hop to it, aliens. Get off your lazy asses and come conquer us. I ask just one small favor of you, and you’re too busy procrastinating. You’ve got planets to dominate now. There will be plenty of time afterward for as much Martian Mario Kart as you want.

As long as we’re complaining here, how come I don’t live in a dystopia? How hard can it be to completely suppress free will? We were supposed to have this shit in 1984. Instead we got, like, Bryan Adams. Some tradeoff. If we don’t have dystopias, how can we have badass, anti-dystopian rebels? THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS. Let’s stop listening to the Black Eyed Peas and start total censorship of information, please.

I was going to say that I was disappointed by 2011’s lack of sentient, human-like robots as well. However, after turning on C-SPAN, I am assured that there’s at least one prediction that the movies got right. You nailed it, Blade Runner. Now where’s my sexy computerized assistant?

EVANSTON – When Northwestern students learned that their beloved football team had come up short in their 3rd straight bid for a comeback victory, they thought they’d seen the end of Wildcat-related bad news. Unfortunately, head coach Pat Fitzgerald announced in a press conference on Sunday that the ‘Cats were already down three touchdowns in next year’s bowl game.

“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started,” explained Fitzgerald. “That way, we can skip to the riveting charge and keep our fans as happy as possible.” This time, however, the deficit did not quite go according to plan. “We meant for the opposing team to put up 17 points on us before the game started, but they faked their imaginary field goal and ran it in to score. Thus, the game stands at 21-0, and we have our work cut out for us.”

There are several steps that must be completed before the ‘Cats can climb out of such an early hole. First, they must qualify for a bowl. If they fail to achieve a good enough record, the 21 points will be kept in a storage unit in Des Plaines until the team’s next postseason appearance. In addition, when bowl placement is determined, the scores must be attributed to individual players on the opposing team. Given this stipulation, fantasy football stock for running backs from mediocre Big 12 and SEC teams has increased dramatically.

Fitzgerald added that the team might also begin its rousing comeback before the game. “It is important that we complete the comeback,” he said, “while still leaving some time for the heartbreaking finale that is sure to follow.”

EVANSTON—In a rare turn of events, new student Antonio DiMarco actually knows the subject in which he wishes to obtain his degree, making him the first student in the history of Northwestern’s Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences to enter the university without the “undecided” tag. “I don’t understand what the big deal is,” DiMarco explained to a group of Medill reporters (who will probably all change their academic focuses before the year’s end), “I’ve always liked philosophy and that’s what I want to study.”

Rumors started swirling over the summer that DiMarco could declare his major before setting foot in Evanston. Even more heads turned when DiMarco posted a topic in the Northwestern 2014 Facebook group: “yo guys any other philosophy majors in da house?!?!?!?” “I didn’t think he could do it,” said WCAS senior Joe DiMarco, Antonio’s brother, “after all, I’ve seen so many eager freshmen try and fail, jabbering on and on excitedly about their engineering career paths only to realize that their schedules will suck. My psych class last year was basically made up entirely of those guys.”

The insanity reached a fever pitch the first day of orientation, as throngs of interested onlookers congregated around the icebreaker for DiMarco’s PA group to hear his long-awaited answer to the question of “Name, Hometown, Major?” They were not disappointed.

DiMarco has said that he enjoys his newfound celebrity, but that being the only freshman who made up his mind also has its drawbacks. “I need to come up with a clever one-liner to use at parties,” he noted, “because I can’t do any of that snarky ‘I’m majoring in undecided!’ stuff.” DiMarco explained that although this particular hill will be hard to climb, he is not worried. “After all,” he said, “I am a philosophy major. It shouldn’t be that hard to come up with some jokes.”

EVANSTON—Neil Byers, a SESP junior, was ridiculed for the entirety of Dillo Day for wrapping a large ACE bandage around his head in anticipation for the performance of rapper Nelly. “This is his ‘thing’, right?” asked Byers to a throng of chuckling students, “I went to a boarding school from 6th to 8th grade, so I really missed the whole ‘Nelly’ fad.”

Byers explained that when he heard Nelly was headlining Dillo Day, he made sure he wouldn’t be left out of the camaraderie. “I asked my friend for his ACE bandage right away, but I didn’t think he’d just give it to me. With Nelly coming to town I thought they’d be in high demand, but my friend was like, ‘uh…sure dude.’ I’ve been getting weird looks all day today,” he continued, “and it’s probably because this thing really smells like shit.”

The Chicago native is always up on the signature accessories of various artists. “I made sure to wear my prescription sunglasses to the U2 show I went to, so I could look just like Bono. Then, when KISS swung by, I brought out the red war paint. I love being hip like all the other people in this city.”

Meanwhile, freshman Keisha Green was similarly ridiculed for wearing a neck brace during the Nelly set. She should regain a full range of motion in her body within 3 weeks.